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Original poster

To put a card through FWB's door?

57 replies

Flairhead · 14/02/2019 21:02

So. I kinda have an FWB thing going on. It's very casual, it's just something that happens after a few drinks sometimes, we don't make actual plans for it.

I don't live too far away from him and I know he's round at a friend's just now. So I popped to the shop and bought a card. Nothing soppy, just a card saying "be -mine- naked. I wasn't going to sign it or even put his name on it, I thought him and his flatmate could just be left wondering who it was for. The flatmate is also out at the moment so I could easily put the card through the door and be away.

But now I'm not sure it's a good idea! I'm scared he'll work out it was me (they both know I live nearby, about 15 mins walk) and think I want more than I do. I'm not long divorced so not after a relationship, but to be honest I'd like the sex more often. His flatmate is a bit of a player so it's not completely unlikely that someone would send him one.

I've not done anything with the card yet and don't have too long because I don't know when they'll be home! I need MN wisdom!

OP posts:
Home77 · 14/02/2019 21:53

Friends with benefits

straightjeans · 15/02/2019 07:15

If you can't even post a funny card through the door, maybe you are considering this guy as more than fwb.

Original poster
Flairhead · 15/02/2019 08:28

I guess I wouldn't rule it out if he ever wanted to take things further to see how it went, but for now we're both happy with the way things are. It doesn't happen very often anyway, but I don't want to do anything that'll risk it not happening again.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 15/02/2019 08:29

I guess I wouldn't rule it out if he ever wanted to take things further

Ah, there we have the truth.

Roussette · 15/02/2019 08:35

You made the right decision particularly as you said this But now I'm not sure it's a good idea! I'm scared he'll work out it was me

If you're worried he'll work out it's you, what's the point?!

It does sound like you want more than he wants. Therein lies heartache

Original poster
Flairhead · 15/02/2019 10:19

I didn't want him to work out it was me in case he thought I was getting in too deep. I've told him I don't want any more than what we've been doing and he's said the same. I'm enjoying being single. I'd just like the sex to be a bit more often. Maybe that's something to have a chat about next time it happens.

OP posts:
TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 15/02/2019 10:24

I sense Feelings around the corner..

rattusrattus20 · 15/02/2019 10:37

fwb [imo a mostly terrible idea anyway, other than between real 'old stagers' who know their own minds inside out] is a very particular thing, valentines' cards aren't really consistent with it.

JacquesHammer · 15/02/2019 10:39

I guess I wouldn't rule it out if he ever wanted to take things further

That’s not FWB then.

Be careful you don’t get hurt.

Putitdownnow · 15/02/2019 10:41

Oh dear

KC225 · 15/02/2019 11:19

I think you straying into the 'feelings' rip tide and not admitting it. Flip the question, how would you feel if he had out a card thriugn your door and said he wants sex with you more often?

Belenus · 15/02/2019 11:50

I don't want to do anything that'll risk it not happening again.

Yep. Feelings are hoving into view, otherwise you wouldn't be that fussed if it didn't happen again. Instead, you're tiptoeing around trying to prove it doesn't really mean anything, honestly, in case feelings scare him off.

I got too involved with an FWB and maybe that's clouding my judgement. FWIW I enjoyed it and it was worth it. Yes, it hurt a bit. But it was fun and was worth it. Who knows, maybe in your case you'll both end up wanting a bit more Smile

Original poster
Flairhead · 15/02/2019 12:01

Fair point, if he'd done that I'd probably think he was developing feelings.

I'll maybe float the idea of doing it more often if/when it happens again, but I think he feels like if we start actually planning on when we'll do it, it'll be too much like an actual relationship kind of thing. He's already said he doesn't want the stress and drama of pre-arranging things, so reading between the lines I think that's what he meant.

OP posts:
Roussette · 15/02/2019 12:40

He's already said he doesn't want the stress and drama of pre-arranging things

He's got jam on it, hasn't he?!

And yes I've had a FWB thing before, it worked well because we did plan so I always knew where I stood

Parthenope · 15/02/2019 12:55

He's already said he doesn't want the stress and drama of pre-arranging things

I'm changing my mind about how healthy this situation is for you. Pre-arranging things is a matter of texting 'Want to come over X night around ten?' -- and in no way involves 'stress and drama'. What your not-so-nice-sounding FWB appears to prefer is the 'it doesn't count if I'm drunk' type of sex. Friends with benefits situations only work without hurt if you actually both behave like mutually-respectful friends, as well as people who are having sex.

Original poster
Flairhead · 15/02/2019 13:21

That's what I thought, that it's not stressful or dramatic if one or other of us were to invite the other over. Didn't want to press him too much on that, though I might do at some stage. I think he just feels it would be too much like an actual relationship if we started inviting each other over, but for some reason he's not saying that.

I know he's not coming across well here but he is otherwise a good friend and he's always been respectful to me about everything that's happened.

OP posts:
Timetravellingbunnies · 15/02/2019 13:42

So how do you both end up hooking up if you dont invite each other over?

AnyFucker · 15/02/2019 13:46

How does it work then ?

Semaphore ?

You sound like a mug, actually.

JacquesHammer · 15/02/2019 13:47

Hang on. By

He's already said he doesn't want the stress and drama of pre-arranging things

Does that mean he doesn’t want to arrange a night in advance? Or does he mean he expects you to hang around until he drops you a message?

Original poster
Flairhead · 15/02/2019 13:50

It's more like if we bump into each other on a night out, we'll go back to his after. Sorry, should've made that clear. I know I need to speak to him about it and get things properly sorted, it's just a case of finding the right time.

OP posts:
Belenus · 15/02/2019 13:52

And yes I've had a FWB thing before, it worked well because we did plan so I always knew where I stood

Likewise. It was a more long-distance thing anyway in my case so we had to be organised, and open about what we were up to. Just bear in mind OP that you can have an FWB and organise when and where to meet!

AnyFucker · 15/02/2019 13:53

So...if he doesn't cop off with someone else, you will do ?

Is there only one evening venue in your area ? Or do you trail around after him hoping he will fancy a shag ?

JacquesHammer · 15/02/2019 13:54

It's more like if we bump into each other on a night out, we'll go back to his after

This isn’t FWB, it sounds like he’s using you as a fallback for when he doesn’t have another option.

I have a FWB and we do plan. We’ll arrange to see each other etc.

Mookatron · 15/02/2019 13:55

What would happen if one night, say, you texted 'want to fuck?' or something. I'm interested.

LetBartletBeBartlet · 15/02/2019 13:57

He sounds like a player