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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH needs to take control of the relationship with DSS. (Title edited by MNHQ)

26 replies

notsurewherefromhere · 14/02/2019 20:02

DH and DSS currently have a very strained relationship. Used to have eow access, this tapered off after he refused to come on holiday with us and after that stopping wanting to visit.
DSS has never known his parents together, struggles with the fact that he doesn't have a 'normal family' He blames me for this, in his eyes if I hadn't come along mum and dad would be together. So I have stepped back while he adjusts. We are currently going through the process to gain formal legal access but it's slow. Currently DSS will happily let DH take him out one on one, movies, milkshakes, footie, buy him stuff. But he refused to come to us for a 'normal weekend' as he struggles when all attention isn't on him, or if he gets told what to do bed time, chores etc. AIBU to think DH should put his foot down a bit and try to enforce a bit of usual weekend access not just Disney parenting? Or I am just a wicked SM and he should just do what he wants? I feel like DH is being used as an atm and taxi service, whilst getting northing in return. DSS 12, DH and I married 5, together 10.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsurewherefromhere · 14/02/2019 20:05

Ignore the title, was going to post about DSS friends visiting while we try to engage DSS but changed my mind...... have contacted HQ

OP posts:
wonderingsoul · 14/02/2019 20:07

What's the relationship like with the ex.

Seeing as hes known no difference I'm going to say he shouldn't be having a problem like this..

Am I right in thinking that his mum hasn't been as helpful and possibly slagging of his dad or you or both.

hidinginthenightgarden · 14/02/2019 20:08

What is a normal weekend? Sitting around the house?
I guess at that age he probably wants to either be with mates or "doing" something.
If he can't do that at your house he isn't going to be interested. In your DH's shoes I would do the same as him. He is wanting to keep whatever contact he can.

Alsohuman · 14/02/2019 20:11

If contact is so nebulous, surely it's best to do whatever dss wants? I don't understand why it's Disney parenting but f it's what the child is happy with.

Original poster
notsurewherefromhere · 14/02/2019 20:15

Relationship with ex is terrible. Normal weekend is Friday - swim in the pool, dinner out or take away, movie or footie with dad. Saturday is parkrun/gym (optional), football (DSS) swimming, off to a movie, bowling arcades, or over to friends for a BBQ evening dinner, Sunday drive out somewhere or just chill around the house, kick about in the park. He doesn't see friends out of school. He has his own den, so can play Xbox etc when he wants.

OP posts:
Namechangedforthis79 · 14/02/2019 20:21

He's not getting nothing in return though. He's spending time with his child. It might not be what he wants but this is the best he's going to get for now.

BackInTime · 14/02/2019 20:26

How does your DH feel?

Original poster
notsurewherefromhere · 14/02/2019 20:33

DH is frustrated. He gets little interaction from him when they are together. When they try to talk he won't engage. DH wants to spend more time with him not an hour here and there. He is acting up in school and struggles with any type of being told what to do. The think he knows best. He doesn't think an hour here and there is parenting. But at the minute that's all he's getting. Also he upset the relationship with me and DSS seems to have vanished overnight. We want to plan for a holiday again, but dSS won't even stay over night how could we manage a long weekend or 7 nights.

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 14/02/2019 20:36

It’s a bad age to be trying to force him into family time that he doesn’t want. Realistically he will get a say in what contact he wants if you go through court. As it stands he is seeing his dad, one on one and if asked by a court officer he will say that’s what he wants. in all likelihood a judge will deem that in the child’s best interests as he is getting contact with his parent and he is happy with it. If you force him to come and spend weekends at your house you’re only feeding him a whole load of ammo for his resentment of you. My advice would be let him and his dad carry on seeing each other as it suits them and maybe he’ll feel different about spending time with you once he’s gotten through the “I hate everyone and everything” teenage years.

Original poster
notsurewherefromhere · 14/02/2019 20:38

So I'm just to forget my 10 year relationship with DSS and DH has to accept he can only see his child on the child's terms ? I am understanding that right?

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 14/02/2019 20:42

That’s quite a busy weekend btw. Is that every time he comes? Does he swim Friday and Saturday? Its possible he doesn’t want to be doing all the activities and would rather chill out than swim/football/park run/bowling/movies/arcades/BBQs.

Perhaps suggest he comes just for a few hours on Saturday instead of the whole weekend. He might find that a bit easier.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 14/02/2019 20:43

If the child doesn’t want to see you, what benefit is there to either of you in forcing him? How will that help your relationship?

Quartz2208 · 14/02/2019 20:47

what exactly happened with the holiday - you have explained where you are at the moment but there has to be something that caused this

Original poster
notsurewherefromhere · 14/02/2019 20:48

I'm not saying we do all of that, just examples of what type of things we do. There is plenty of down time. Xbox, movies, reading, games. I'm not saying I think I should force a relationship just interesting that it's ok to push DH and myself out to what suits him effectively

OP posts:
Jackshouse · 14/02/2019 20:51

DH needs to read the book how to talk so teenagers listen and how to listen so teenagers talk. Has be asked his son how he would like to spend his time?

It’s all well and good going down the legal route but you cat force a teenager to want to spend time with someone.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 14/02/2019 20:52

It’s entirely possible he has withdrawn from his mum in the same way. Yes he lives with her but he could be doing the same with her. Lots of teenagers have zero interest in talking to, looking at, chatting with, acknowledging the existence of their parents. Plenty come straight home from school and go straight to their rooms to play on consoles or watch tv or do whatever it is they do on their phones only coming out to eat. It’s a phase.some go through.

Singlenotsingle · 14/02/2019 20:54

Yes you are understanding that right, OP. It's the child's right to see his parent, and if he doesn't want it, or only wants it on certain terms, so be it. Dc that age are quite difficult anyway, even living with both parents. They're finding their feet, placing more reliance on friends rather than family, and getting ready to spread their wings.

PurpleCrowbar · 14/02/2019 21:10

Ok, different in that you've been around for years, but you can't force your dh's ds to like you.

My teenage dc loathed their dad's gf for various reasons. They were forced to play happy families with her & hated it, but were polite when obliged to interact with her because they're polite kids.

She recently ditched xh, & he expected the dc to be upset too. They responded with 'yeah, actually dad, to be honest, we always thought she was horrible & we're glad she's gone'. Xh was furious with them, & they were equally angry with him for being so completely oblivious to their dislike of her. It's caused a rift.

I'm not suggesting you are horrible! But you aren't your dss's parent. He doesn't have to like you or want to hang out with you.

You can't force it, & it won't help if you try. Best thing you can do is let your dp & his ds negotiate their relationship on their terms. Dss might eventually decide you're ok after all, or he might prefer just to hang out with his dad.

It's highly unlikely that he can be forced to visit if he chooses not to; if you push it, he's only going to pull away even more.

RomanyQueen1 · 14/02/2019 21:13

I can't see the point in going through the courts if it's ot what the lad wants, he'll only refuse and then what will your dh do, drag him to yours.
There must be a reason he's like he is especially as he's never known any difference.
How old were his parents when they split, were you the ow?

AgentJohnson · 14/02/2019 21:15

A ‘normal’ weekend for you, means DSS has to spend time with you when that clearly is something he doesn’t want. You and DSS’s Dad aren’t a package deal, trying to force it, will only alienate him.

You H has a choice, force the situation and risk the very real possibility of losing contact all together or make the most of the contact he does have.

Don’t force your H to choose, that won’t end well.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 14/02/2019 21:19

I doubt a judge would make an order for a dc 12+. At 12 my ds went nc with his df.
Never heard from ex since. Ds gets the odd text /tenner in his account.
Imo your dh is never gonna change from being a Disney Father. Why would his ds want that to change?
Maturity on ds's part may change things. Your dh has allowed him to dictate the relationship - it is what it is now.

Starlight456 · 14/02/2019 21:25

If he has known no different I am assuming something has changed ? What is that ?

user1494670108 · 14/02/2019 22:19

All of your posts talk about you, your feelings and how you should react.
You are not seeing it from the POV of an entirely typical teen at all.
It's not all about you

llangennith · 14/02/2019 22:34

You can't make your DH's child like you or want to spend time with you. Don't waste your money on solicitors to 'gain legal access'. He's 15 and no court is going to force him to visit or interact.
Try to stay out of their relationship for a while and see if things improve between father and son. Your DH risks losing contact with his son completely if he whinges about not seeing him enough.

Chickychoccyegg · 14/02/2019 22:54

i can see where your coming from, you've known this kid since he was 2 years old, building a relationship with him for the last 10 years and now he doesnt want to see you, it must be hurtful, i dont have any advice really except its probably not going to be helpful going through courts , a court wont say dss needs to see you, kids this age can be a bit tricky in general, but hopefully it'll pass soon.