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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should have been allowed some time away?

42 replies

shehasnotime · 14/02/2019 16:58

I lost three grandparents as a child and my gran died when I was 13 so it was quite abig loss. Anyway, I was back in school the next day, the funeral fell during a holiday so life continued as normal.

Then when I was 15 my mum died. Again, I was sent straight back into school the following day and quite a few teachers didn't even realise what had happened. One day off for the funeral.

AIBU to retrospectively feel quite pissed off? I feel as if my grief for my mum in particular went all wrong somehow.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 14/02/2019 17:03

How old are you now? Just wondering what sort of era this was? I lost my mother too as a child and remember having one day off school then being expected to go back and treated like nothing had happened. It's terrible looking back really. Flowers for you.

FridayFreja · 14/02/2019 17:07

I think every child is different.

Some benefit from keeping that daily routine given that they’ve suffered such a drastic, irreversible change already.

Others need to spend time with their remaining family and grieve in private.

There’s no one right answer that suits every child - I’m sorry if you weren’t allowed to grieve in the way that was best for you.

Original poster
shehasnotime · 14/02/2019 17:08

She died in 1998. I'm over it, in a way. The issue is that I didn't grieve at the time, and it all went a bit strange.

I really should be over it, I know!

OP posts:
LittleCandle · 14/02/2019 17:10

I had a week off when DGM died in the early 80s. The school were informed, but apparently none of my teachers were, because I got a lot of hassle for not handing in homework that week. But you were expected to keep a stiff upper lip and just get right back into harness. DF died during a school holiday 9 years ago and I was back at work the following week and only took the day of his funeral off. Times change. Perhaps we are too indulgent in requiring weeks and weeks off after a bereavement.

formerbabe · 14/02/2019 17:11

Perhaps we are too indulgent in requiring weeks and weeks off after a bereavement

Yes, heaven forbid we over indulge bereaved children Hmm

Original poster
shehasnotime · 14/02/2019 17:12

I think most adults would take some time off work after a close bereavement. In any case, I'm not saying weeks and weeks, but it felt a though nothing had happened and it really impacted on me.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 14/02/2019 17:13

Yeah of course you should have had some time, especially for your mother :(

formerbabe · 14/02/2019 17:15

shehasnotime

I totally understand. My dm died in the 1990s too...there was no counselling. As an adult looking back, it horrifies me.

Lovestonap · 14/02/2019 17:18

I went into counselling young people as when I was a distressed teenager in the 90s there was none for me.
I think you should have had some more time, however perhaps it was a case of your adults saying 'we' ll see how she goes' and you were amazingly resilient.
I'm sorry you had such a sad loss at such a young age.

codenameduchess · 14/02/2019 17:19

Way back in the 70s my mums dad died, she was 11ish and no one even told her until after the funeral because kids 'didn't need to know'... that to me seems utterly ridiculous.

It's a bit odd to be annoyed now, what result are you going for by getting upset now? Do you think counselling would help with unresolved grief?

Teateaandmoretea · 14/02/2019 17:23

Why should you be over losing your mum at 15? I don't really understand 'time to grieve' tbh, as if it fits neatly into the time you have off. It's just bloody tough and my experience is that you just muddle along and get through each day somehow but perhaps that's just me. I was a lot older than you though when I lost my mum, I can't even imagine what it would have been like at 15.

I'm just so sorry Flowers

formerbabe · 14/02/2019 17:23

It's a bit odd to be annoyed now, what result are you going for by getting upset now?

Don't overdo the empathy there. People's pasts affect them.

Original poster
shehasnotime · 14/02/2019 17:24

Code, it's a fair question and I'll try to answer it.

My life vanished right before my eyes. That sounds waaaay more dramatic than I mean it to, but all the carefree fun teen years and in your twenties that you are meant to have didn't happen. I was suddenly completely on my own, ended up homeless, all sorts of really, really bad shit happened but mostly I was just alone.

I started adult life the wrong way and it's stayed with me to this day.

And I think maybe if I'd been given some time to adapt, not to just plough on and put up with it, things might have been better. Not great, but better.

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 14/02/2019 17:24

Many people actually find routine is important, especially for dc. I remember watching my aunt die when I was 19 and supporting her 7yo son. It was hideous. The next day df made it clear we would be going to work. At the time I felt he was harsh but with hindsight it was good. We made time to mourn, we did, but work was important and someone dying doesn't mean the world stops. I took time for the funerals (there were 2). I'm not sure I produced my best work if I'm honest but no one commented. We've also had family members at deaths door for months. Realistically I couldn't take all that time off and what would have been the benefit?

Df has experienced a lot of tragedy and had learned that keeping some normality is good for mental health. Time to organise a funeral is important but when you're not doing that then what does time off achieve? You sit home crying?

Everyone is different though and most just do what they feel is right.

Teateaandmoretea · 14/02/2019 17:24

I suspect codename hasn't lost her mother prematurely. People who haven't really don't understand ime.

Original poster
shehasnotime · 14/02/2019 17:26

Yeah your aunt and mum aren't the same, tbh

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 14/02/2019 17:32

The exact same thing happened to my BiL and my DP when they lost parents as young children. It was never really spoken of again and it caused all sorts of problems in later life. I don't think people expected children to have feelings of grief then. It's shocking to us now.

OP I am so very sorry for your losses. I hope you are able to find some peace Thanks

m0therofdragons · 14/02/2019 17:34

@shehasnotime no but we were very close (I followed her career path and was more like her than my dm) and she was my 7yo cousin's dm and he went to school (wanted to). My other cousins lost their mum age 11 and 14 and they also went to school the day after she died. Again, their choice as they wanted to see their friends.

Apologies for not giving exact comparison. I haven't lost my dm but my id twin sister died when we were children, is that close enough? One minute happy and next minute she didn't wake up. At 14 I watched my closest cousin die, she was 16 and we thought healthy. What I'm saying is that I've lost a lot of very close relatives. Dh has only ever lost 2 grandparents. Everyone's experiences are different.

Original poster
shehasnotime · 14/02/2019 17:36

m0ther

It still isn't your mum. Hard to explain but losing your mum, your whole family falls apart.

I would expect someone to have time away after losing a sibling, tbh ... not sure about your aunt.

OP posts:
Callaird · 14/02/2019 17:43

My brother passed away when I was 15. My parents took me out of school for 2 weeks. 1983. It was September so school year had just started but it was GCE’s that year, I was also doing Maths at ‘O’ level in April. I never questioned.

I was going through the bereavement cards and letters recently and my form tutors and head of year sent letters, offering condolences and at the end said that they’d see me back at school when I’m ready.

NWQM · 14/02/2019 17:44

The sad thing is that you - and many other posters - didn't get the time or space you needed. Didn't feel supportive. I think the feeling of insecurity that that can create can stay with you. If you put off processing what happened - or if the time was not given you - then its no surprise that it is hitting people at a later date. Everyone is of course different but your posts sound as if someone else - because of your age - decided when the time was right & how things would be best for you. I'm not sure you can ever hope to 'get over it' and shouldn't worry too much that you aren't. It will also be the most incredible sad thing for you. It depends though how it's affecting you. I have lost my Mum but am much, much older. Still I worry how it's affecting me. My world has changed. Yours must have felt like it turned on it's head.

codenameduchess · 14/02/2019 17:44

@shehasnotime it sounds like counselling could be useful for you, losing a parent at any age is hard but so young kids need support and you were failed on that front. Have you ever looked into counselling or therapy to help you process?

I didn't mean to come across as harsh, you've had a real shit hand dealt to you but it sounds like you've had to be resilient. If you're in a place now to process all of that then it's definitely an option worth exploring.

Fwiw, I lost my dad in my early twenties and it was hard, I got almost no support and barely coped. I can't even imagine handling that as a teen.

Original poster
shehasnotime · 14/02/2019 17:48

I don't really want counselling, tbh, it seems a bit pointless now. And expensive!

OP posts:
Beansandcoffee · 14/02/2019 17:50

My mum died when I was 24. I had 2 days off work. That was what I was allowed. That was in 1990 and my mum was 48. Now my colleagues take 5 days compassionate and 2 weeks sick when their elderly parents die.
I didn’t grieve at the time as i was told to just get on with it. I understand completely where you are coming from OP. I’m arranging grief counselling for myself 30 years later as I don’t think I grieved at the time.

Crockof · 14/02/2019 17:51

I agree months aren't a good idea as routing and structure does help but a few weeks to get to grips with your world falling apart. I wasn't allowed to go to my dgf funeral as a child and that still irks, losing your mum is another level completely.