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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I should have been allowed some time away?

42 replies

shehasnotime · 14/02/2019 16:58

I lost three grandparents as a child and my gran died when I was 13 so it was quite abig loss. Anyway, I was back in school the next day, the funeral fell during a holiday so life continued as normal.

Then when I was 15 my mum died. Again, I was sent straight back into school the following day and quite a few teachers didn't even realise what had happened. One day off for the funeral.

AIBU to retrospectively feel quite pissed off? I feel as if my grief for my mum in particular went all wrong somehow.

OP posts:

Notthisyear · 14/02/2019 17:52

I had counselling over 20 years after the bereavement that I needed the counselling for, iyswim. Another child who was assumed to be doing fine, and left to it! Counselling was amazing actually.

onalongsabbatical · 14/02/2019 17:52

OP, I don't know if you're a reader, but if you are I suggest you read this. It's about how the loss of a mother in childhood has long term effects. It's extremely good. www.amazon.co.uk/Motherless-Daughters-Legacy-Loss-Anniversary-ebook/dp/B06XCHTK17/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&keywords=hope+edelman&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1550166618&sr=1-1

swampytiggaa · 14/02/2019 17:53

My dad died in 1978 when I was 8. I was on pack holiday with the brownies at the time - he was dead and buried by the time I came home on the Saturday. I went to school on the Monday.

Original poster

shehasnotime · 14/02/2019 17:55

That's awful swampy

OP posts:

CripsSandwiches · 14/02/2019 18:00

I do think in the past people felt the best attitude was to pretend bad things didn't happen under the assumption that if you acted OK and went about as normal you would be OK. One of my parents died when I was in my twenties and I had at least a week off. At 15 it would have been even more difficult. Not surprised you suffered.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 14/02/2019 18:00

I lost my mum young... went into work the next day as only allowed three days compassionate leave and wanted one to go arrange the funeral and one for the funeral. As it happened my GP signed me off work two days later for a fortnight as I had a little spotting (pregnant) and had already had one miscarriage.

When my grandmother died I just had the afternoon off school and when my Grandad died I didn’t even go to the funeral as I was working,
compassionate leave didn’t go as far as grandparents and no leave allowed during April because of working in financial services.

It all seemed pretty normal to me to be honest but I’ve known parents ring in to the school I work in saying their child needs a week off because they’ve had their dog put down - which we can’t authorise!

I think OP should have had more time when she lost her Mum but I also think that sometimes we need to toughen up when a more distant or elderly relative dies.

formerbabe · 14/02/2019 18:01

This is why I hate it when people say things like 'children are tougher than you think' or 'children are remarkably resilient'. It's nonsense.

SloeBerri · 14/02/2019 18:05

I went to a faith school and my brother was in hospital, I didn’t realise how serious it was as I didn’t go to visit. I’d stayed with a friend whilst my parents went.

One day at the end of the day the class said a prayer for my brother who had died. I sat there then walked out in a daze and stood alone in the playground a while until my dad collected me and told me properly.

I struggled to process it. I can’t imagine how hard it would be for a parent.

Nowadays at least we’d talk to a child and check

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/02/2019 18:07

I'm sorry, @shehasnotime.

My mum and dad died when I was 11. I left school at 4pm to identify them, and was back there at 8:30 the next morning. Nobody ever suggested any time off. It is a weird thing - perhaps there is supposed to be comfort in routine.

Hippywannabe · 14/02/2019 18:15

I had a neighbour, William when I was 9. One morning as we walked alone to school (early 1970s) he told me his Mum had died that morning. (She was 42 and his Dad was 70ish). We were in the same class. I remember him telling the teacher and her not knowing.
Looking back now, I cannot think of anything more horrific for him to have gone to bed in the evening and wake up to his Mum having died suddenly in the night at home and then to have been sent to school. At the time, I think I just accepted it as a fact but compared to what would be put in place now, it is unbelievable.
He grew up to have lots of issues and get into trouble but I remember back then as a teen feeling like people expected him to get into trouble because his Mum had died young, almost as if he was written off.

Orchiddingme · 14/02/2019 18:17

I cannot imagine how anyone could disagree with your title. Hugs to you, and little you.

MamaLovesMango · 14/02/2019 18:18

There really isn’t quite anything like losing your mother. There really isn’t and what you said about your life vanishing before your eyes really resonates with me because that’s exactly how it feels, for me at least. Struggling with how everything was one way just a few hours ago and now it isn’t, is just catastrophic.

And I wasn’t even a child! I was 25. I took a weeks compassionate leave but realised very quickly when I got back I wasn’t anywhere near ready to carry on. The doctor signed me off and I can’t remember how long I had off in the end. I was also pregnant with a recent miscarriage behind me, like a PP. Work we’re awful about it and I ended up resigning not much longer after. There had to be a certain amount of stiff upper lip just to get through the arrangements and all the official stuff and once all that had been done, it was like it was expected that you should just carry on like nothings happened. I never grieved properly as a result and it did cause me so many problems, especially when I went on to have my children. I had therapy several years later and it made all the difference. It’s never too late to take unresolved issues.

Everybody grieves differently it’s true and grief is a fluid being that never goes away but changes over time. You have to learn to live with it and without the person you’re grieving for. For that, most people need time and space that society won’t afford unfortunately. In my experience nothing good ever came from a cavellier approach to grief.

HollowTalk · 14/02/2019 18:52

There was an 8 year old boy in my daughter's class, 20 years ago, whose mother died in the night. He came into school because there was swimming and he'd been looking forward to it. His poor mum had been ill all of his life and I think the sadness that morning was just too much for him. I know his friends were a great comfort to him.

HollowTalk · 14/02/2019 18:55

There are such sad stories on here.

cptartapp · 14/02/2019 19:29

My DM (DC grandma) was killed in a car accident aged 69 the day before DS1 returned into year 9 and DS2 started year 7. Although devastated they both wanted to go straight back, although I let the school know who were great. I only had one week off work when my DF died aged 54. I was a nurse caring for terminally ill patients, it was far too soon in hindsight.

formerbabe · 14/02/2019 19:33

With all due respect, there's a massive difference between losing a grandparent and losing a parent for a child.

Di11y · 14/02/2019 20:25

my mum died when I was 13. my dad took me out of school to visit her in the hospital and I took a week off school between the death and the funeral. the day after was a Friday so assume I took that too and went back on the Monday.

my dbro was about to sit GCSEs so didn't miss any school and it's probably a coincidence but he's really struggled to get over her death.

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