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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not allow my DH to take our baby to his mums?

42 replies

0MrsP · 14/02/2019 16:33

I don't know if I'll be blasted for this but if so I'll take it!
My 3month old baby has never met his nana, my MIL. DH doesn't have a good relationship with her we've been together 7 years and I've probably seen her 5 times in all that time. He doesn't go see her except the odd time when she asks to borrow money or when he takes my step kids to see her, maybe at Christmas but not always.
I've told DH that I don't want our son to go to her flat, her and her lodger are heavy smokers and both chain smoke inside the tiny flat, he initially agreed. I've invited her to our home, I said we'd pick her up, bring her here and make her dinner and meet her grandson. She cancelled the first 2 planned visits and then the third time we cancelled because our car broke down and was in the garage.
I now have his sisters giving me a hard time saying I'm being cruel, they take their kids there and it's never harmed them, but they also smoke around their kids. They are saying that MIL won't come here because I make her feel uncomfortable when shes here because I make her remove her shoes. She's been to my house once, and yes I asked her to remove her shoes before going in the lounge because we've had all new carpets and the drives a mess because we were in the process of paving it, most people automatically remove their shoes, I don't see the harm in asking that.
So we're at the point where she refuses to come here and I refuse to allow my son to go there.. DH doesn't want the hassle from his sisters, even though he never sees them, I haven't even met one of them in all these years.

So do I stick to my guns and not allow my baby to go to her house because of all the smoke or am I over reacting? I'm still happy for her to come meet him, well pick her up and take her home again, is that enough to say we've tried and it's down to her?

OP posts:
Sunnyjac · 14/02/2019 16:37

Stick to your guns

OneBiscuitAtATime · 14/02/2019 16:38

You are not in anyway over reacting. It’s a big SIDS risk to have a baby in that environment. Even if she comes to your she shouldn’t wear the same too that she smokes in when holding the baby.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/02/2019 16:39

So do I stick to my guns and not allow my baby to go to her house because of all the smoke or am I over reacting?

You're not even slightly over-reacting!!! Filling your baby's lungs with smoke is nothing compared to her feeling 'awkward' about having to take her shoes off.

She's been told she's welcome at your place so stuff her if she can't be arsed. It's probably because she won't be able to smoke that she does't want to come.

Ignore your SILs too. They sound vile. And if you've never even met them; it's hardly a loss if you fall out.

Stick to your guns big time!!!

Birdie6 · 14/02/2019 16:39

Couldn't he arrange to meet his mother in a local park ? That way she could meet the baby but not suffocate him.

Purplepricklesalloverhisback · 14/02/2019 16:40

My 2 year old is not allowed to FIL house as he smokes inside. He is welcome to come here or I would meet him somewhere but I will not allow DS in his house, it stinks.

MrsSmythFarquarson · 14/02/2019 16:40

Meet her out....lunch?

RiverTam · 14/02/2019 16:41

you stick to your guns, absolutely.

HedgePlastic · 14/02/2019 16:42

I think YABU

blackcat86 · 14/02/2019 16:43

If she really wanted to meet her grandson she would take the opportunity she has been given to visit him where he is most comfortable and to consider the feelings of the child's mother given that he is such a young baby. Not only has she declined you've been given unwarranted backlash from SILs. Fuck em. I wouldn't have my baby in a smokey flat and I wouldn't trust her to respect my boundaries. You've given her a perfectly good option so reiterate your offer but it has to be take it or leave it.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 14/02/2019 16:43

She isn't the sort of dgm your dc needs if she is happy to poison her dgc.

Purpleartichoke · 14/02/2019 16:44

No responsible parent would let their child into the home of a chain smoker. Meet her in public if she doesn’t want to come to your home.

CaseofEllen · 14/02/2019 16:51

YANBU stick to your guns

thefirst48 · 14/02/2019 16:57

Definitely stick to your guns. Could your partner take your son to meet your MIL somewhere public or meet for food one weekend?

SpanielEars070 · 14/02/2019 16:59

Then they meet out. If she wanted to meet your DS that badly, she'd have made the effort long before now. Shame on her. I was there when my grandson was born and 1st visitor when his sisters came along. I have charged through a brick wall to get to them and my DD. She sounds very cold to be honest.

cooldarkroom · 14/02/2019 17:02

She's not comfortable coming to yours, & you're not comfortable going to hers. You win ! you are a mother with small baby who should not be in a smoke filled environment.
They can all take a hike? if she cared she would come to yours.
(nothing nicer than walking on lovely clean new carpet )

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 14/02/2019 17:08

YANBU re the smoking
She sounds like a very difficult person.

But the shoes off thing is a red herring. She just doesn't feel welcome, Perhaps, if you and DP want your child to have a relationship with her, you need to consider that. In the meantime meet her out somewhere.

Original poster
0MrsP · 14/02/2019 17:09

Never really thought to meet in public, baby brain 😂
I'll suggest it but I can't see it happening. Personally think she just likes the drama because as most of you say, if she wanted to meet him she would of taken one of the many opportunities we've offered.
Out of all of my husbands family only one of his sisters have met him, most haven't even asked which I just find so odd as I come from a very close knit family.

OP posts:
SummerInSun · 14/02/2019 17:15

Another voice for absolutely do not take your baby into a smokey environment. The fact that other smokers don't agree is irrelevant, they are entirely put of step with all the research on this.

Agree re offering a meet out, eg out for lunch / coffee / taking baby for a walk in the park.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/02/2019 17:29

Your sister in laws would rather submit their children to smoke than give them a healthy life. Unfortunately their choice to damage their children’s lungs. Your mils choice not to visit. I’d meet her in the park as already suggested.

FiveRedBricks · 14/02/2019 17:32

Stick to your guns entirely.

Drivenmad80 · 14/02/2019 17:35

YANBU at all. My mum is a heavy smoker. My 2 kids are 8 & 5 and they've never been to her house. When they were babies a midwife told me that heavy smokers needs to change clothes and wash hands before they even hold a small baby. As the smoke on fabrics is not good either. Stick to your guns 💪

Poloshot · 14/02/2019 17:36

Stick to your guns. Sounds like a wrongun

ethelfleda · 14/02/2019 17:40

YADNBU!

CantStopMeNow · 14/02/2019 17:41

DH doesn't want the hassle from his sisters, even though he never sees them, I haven't even met one of them in all these years..........Out of all of my husbands family only one of his sisters have met him, most haven't even asked which I just find so odd as I come from a very close knit family

Stick to your guns - your husband seems to be mired in F.O.G (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)
Ignore the sisters.

Or tell them to stay out of your personal business.
They have no right to get involved.

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 14/02/2019 17:47

DISCLAIMER SENSITIVE BABY LOSS discussed-

Hell would freeze over before my tiny baby would be allowed in the environment of a chain smoker! My Mums friend had a New Years party where a newborn baby was brought over- in their pram. A large amount of party goers were smoking inside- whilst baby slept in her pram. At the end of the evening, the new Mother went to check on her baby and found her poor baby dead- a post-mortem blaming the excessive smoking in which the baby had been left to suffocate in.

After that awful nighy, my Mums friend banned smoking in her home and around her babies and grandchildren.

I refused to TTC with my dh until he had quit smoking for six months- even before that I refused to have dh smoke in our house. Despite this I developed adult onset asthma due to my dh breathing his toxic cigarette fumes into the air where we slept. My gp actually told my dh that he was responsible for my developing asthma. My dh was furious especially as he was always respectful and never smoked in front of me- where as my DF (Dad) smoked around me growing up- not caring if my eyes watered, or I choked on the smoke! But my gp explained that as we were sleeping next to each other for long periods of time every night, the toxic fumes he was breathing out from his lungs were being breathed in by me. Which is how I developed asthma. I now have the oxygen levels of a smoker- despite never smoking myself and dh giving up smoking seven years ago!

If just being in the same room as a smoker who was respectful and only smoked outside can damage an adults lungs. You are absolutely 100% right to protect your baby from the possible dangers/ damage.

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