To not allow my DH to take our baby to his mums?

[0MrsP]

I don't know if I'll be blasted for this but if so I'll take it!
My 3month old baby has never met his nana, my MIL. DH doesn't have a good relationship with her we've been together 7 years and I've probably seen her 5 times in all that time. He doesn't go see her except the odd time when she asks to borrow money or when he takes my step kids to see her, maybe at Christmas but not always.
I've told DH that I don't want our son to go to her flat, her and her lodger are heavy smokers and both chain smoke inside the tiny flat, he initially agreed. I've invited her to our home, I said we'd pick her up, bring her here and make her dinner and meet her grandson. She cancelled the first 2 planned visits and then the third time we cancelled because our car broke down and was in the garage.
I now have his sisters giving me a hard time saying I'm being cruel, they take their kids there and it's never harmed them, but they also smoke around their kids. They are saying that MIL won't come here because I make her feel uncomfortable when shes here because I make her remove her shoes. She's been to my house once, and yes I asked her to remove her shoes before going in the lounge because we've had all new carpets and the drives a mess because we were in the process of paving it, most people automatically remove their shoes, I don't see the harm in asking that.
So we're at the point where she refuses to come here and I refuse to allow my son to go there.. DH doesn't want the hassle from his sisters, even though he never sees them, I haven't even met one of them in all these years.

So do I stick to my guns and not allow my baby to go to her house because of all the smoke or am I over reacting? I'm still happy for her to come meet him, well pick her up and take her home again, is that enough to say we've tried and it's down to her?

Echo PP - meet somewhere neutral and somewhere that she can't smoke! Maybe invite them out for lunch? Doesn't have to be anything fancy.

As baby gets older then you can meet somewhere like soft play?

I think you have to facilitate some visits but it doesn't have to be on anyone's territory. that might make it easier on both sides.

My DH's stepmum is a heavy smoker - so I am dreading this scenario for us if this pg sticks, they only live in the next village so we will have to see them but their house stinks.

Trouble is she obviously knows it is you stopping DGS going to her smokey home as your DH is happy to take his other kids round there. She can’t be that fussed about meeting him or she wouldn’t worry about having to take her shoes off in your home. I wouldn’t concern yourself with his sisters, you’ve never even met them so their opinions really don’t count for anything.

They are saying that MIL won't come here because I make her feel uncomfortable when shes here because I make her r" emove her shoes

FGS. We live in a "no shoes" house and haven't even had new carpets down or anything.
How precious can someone get, feeling "uncomfortable" in a no-shoes environment??
Your house, your rules.
If someone's too precious to go inside because they want so badly to keep their shoes on, let them stay outside.

Not over reacting! Maybe arrange locally for a coffee - but she sounds a pain in the arse and maybe NC is how you might choose to proceed. We are NC with my husbands mum. She visited once when DD was 3months she was a pain and rude and that was the final straw for us. Our loves are happier without her in them

Just arrange to meet in a coffee shop. That way visit can't be too long for Dh either which will probably suit better if he doesn't really get on with her. As for his sisters - words fuck off spring to mind. Why does he even listen to them?

Allow? Why do you get to allow or not allow?

She just can't be arsed can she? Unfortunately I'm a smoker ( not in the house, not that it makes much difference) and I'm also a grandmother. I would be desperate to see my grandchild and I would go to your house ( as it's smoke free) and wouldn't smoke beforehand and change my clothes. Why should your mil and sil inflict their shitty life choices on a vulnerable baby?

You are definitely NBU.

I can't get past you telling her to take her shoes off. Very rude and unwelcoming. No wonder she won't visit. Try being kind.

@hazell42
I feel I have the right to make decisions in the best interest of my son. It's not a case of am I allowing him to see his grandma, no I don't have the right to make that call. But I absolutely do have the right to decide that my child isn't going to sit in a smoked filled room for an hour.

Don't be daft. She might not like removing her shoes, or think it odd, but enough reason not to visit a DGC???

YANBU. I told DP that I would not allow DD to go to his parents house until she turned one as FIL smokes in the house and even after that if someone starts smoking we leave. I won't have my daughter sitting a room where someone is smoking. Luckily DP completely agreed with me. MIL kicked up a fuss about this just once (telling DP he could not keep all smoke away from her so it was stupid) and DP went mad at her. He told her he quit smoking when I got pregnant (which he did) and he would not have done that to then let someone else smoke around his daughter.

We didn't go there until DD was 13 months old and have only been 3/4 times in the last 5 months. But each time MIL makes FIL smoke outside.

It's just not worth taking the risk.

Oh and of course a child's mother gets to allow or not allow this. Any parent gets to say they won't allow their child taken to a harmful environment!

You have a right to not let your son see his grandmother. But you surely dont have the right to decide what his other parent can do, which was the title of your aibu. Doesn't his father have his best interests at heart too?
Wouldn't it be better to.discuss and come to something you can both live with rather than lay down the law

YANBU. Suggest to meet somewhere public.

Of course, you have the right to overrule the other parents decision if that decision can actually harm the baby! The father must not have the baby’s best interest at heart if he chooses to take this 3 month old infant into a heavily smoke filled home of 2 chain-smokers just to not have the hassle of hearing his sisters’ (whom he doesn’t even see) opinions. He should tell them to F O about this and care more about your feelings in this matter! Your supposed to care that this woman feels so uncomfortable being asked to remove her shoes due to new flooring that she won’t visit there, but none of them care that you feel uncomfortable having your baby in that smoky environment due to the actual health ramifications!? Totally ridiculous! You are NOT overreacting at all! If she really wants to see this baby then she would do whatever it takes to make that happen.

I understand your point @hazell42 however, it's something I feel very strongly about and unfortunately I wouldn't be prepared to settle for any decision other than what I'm happy with and that's not have our son in a smokey flat for any length of time.. I wouldn't ever usually overrule his views.. and mostly we would discuss and agree and find a happy compromise but I've done all the compromising I can on this so I'm left with over ruling.
I will meet in a public place, I will pick her up and bring her to our home. They are my compromises.. so if they aren't good enough then it's tough really.

In context, my husband had always agreed with my view.. he said our son won't go there. However his sisters are using the fact his mum has been seriously ill to guilt him into it. He already has his own demons from his childhood and his relationship with his mum. Whatever went on, which he's never spoke about, haunts him, and times he's tried to build that bridge, particularly when she was ill but he just can't move on from whatever happened.
So I think that emotional blackmail is eating him and he feels it may be best to just give in.. he's battling this in his own mind, how he'd feel if she dies and he never took him. I'm trying to be understanding of that point, because to me it's black and white, but to him it's not quite that simple. I just need to convince him that we have done our best and he's no need to feel that guilt.. which was the point of this post.. strangers who have no bias saying it how it is.