To think you can get a man to pursue you?

[Plankty2]

Following on from another thread, do you really think it’s possible to get the man of your desires to pursue you and if so , how?!

SHould he not want to see me loads though!!! We are in our thirties. I don’t see why he would not be chomping at the bit to be with me and develop our relationship .

Men are quite perverse. Unfortunately, the old ‘treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen’ has some truth in it. Men only generally chased me when I was already fed up with them and looking for a way to dump them 🙄

You need your own life too, your own friends and routines and hobbies. He doesn't have to put any time into prioritising seeing you, you're always available whenever he fancies seeing you. Don't play games and say no for the sake of it, but actually build up more of your own life. It is massively beneficial to your health.

This. No one wants to be the sole focus of someone's life, and I can't imagine finding someone who had literally no interests in life other than me remotely attractive. What did you do before you met this man? What happened to those friends and ways of enjoying yourself? What do you talk to him about if you don't do anything other than see him?

SHould he not want to see me loads though!!! We are in our thirties. I don’t see why he would not be chomping at the bit to be with me and develop our relationship

OP, you seem as though you want everyone to chorus 'He's wrong, you're right!' but honestly, there's no template that you consult to see that a heterosexual thirtysomething couple must see one another for 52 hours a week spread over a minimum of four days if they live within eight kilometres of one another.

He doesn't sound as if he's desperately in love with you. Are you desperately in love with him? What would the relationship ideally look like in six months or a year, from your point of view?

You said it yourself, he wants a relationship that fits his schedule, and is inflexible.

So yes, you could test it either by not fitting his schedule, or clearly expressing your need to take the relationship up a level or see each other more spontaneously. Is he willing to give it a try? My bet is that he would find it less bother to find another girlfriend, sorry. But, give him a chance, and if he is a planner, give him time to think about what you want. He sounds ok.

You really need to read The Rules. This man would have been weeded out by you by now and you would not spend your time waiting around and mooning over him instead of going out and having a life of your own.

Who cares why he does not spend more time with you. The fact is you will always be the one doing the running and fitting into the cracks of his time. Why accept crumbs from the table? He is training you to accept that his time and hobbies are more important than spending time with you. If you put up with this now, don't expect it to improve.

I dumped such a boyfriend and never regretted it when the penny dropped that I was not his priority. I was sad at the time but got over it quickly and moved on. Time waster.

After I dumped Mr hobbyman, he did try to come back into my life but I had moved on by then, thank god.

You need to watch Matthew Hussey aka GetTheGuy on YouTube.

We are in our thirties.

Jesus wept
Run for the hills you are wasting your time...

It sounds like you are someone he hangs out with when he isn't doing anything else/having some alone time - not someone he looks forward to seeing and positively plans time with. Whereas he is fairly central to your life. That's an imbalance, and that's never good.

Unfortunately, there's only one direction of travel that you have any influence over, and that's away from him. And you should only do that when you're quite sure that it's not a 'tactic' to try and draw him closer - because even if it does, it will only be for as long as it takes for him to think he's placated you, and then it will be back to status quo, which is hurtful for you. Doesn't sound like he meets your emotional needs tbh, no matter how interesting etc he is

Don't be available next time he suggests meeting up. Stop stroking his ego and stop being so available. It sounds as if he is marking time with you whilst waiting to meet The One. Sorry.

To answer , In a years time I would hope we will be spending every weekend together and seeing eachother two nights a week with a view to moving in together. I didn’t stay over last night as he was tired but I will see him tomorrow. I’ve promised to go to his parents house tomorrow night but again, I will be collected and dropped home ata a time that he says. I don’t want to let him down but feeling angry . I ain’t feeling much love this morning 😥

The Spell Caster

taps nose

OP, I think you know in your heart and soul that this relationship isn't as serious on his side as you want it to be, and that you should stop investing so much in it.

If you don't want to end it, I agree with other posters that you should work on your own social life as a priority, and develop a whole lot of new interests that bring you into contact with your passions and potential new friends, and not be so available to your boyfriend -- this will both be really good for you as a human being and will, in making you less abjectly available to him, either move the relationship in the direction you want or bring it to a close when you are no longer prepared to fit in seamlessly into his 'free periods'.

If you're angry, why not pull out of going to his parents' house and do something more exciting yourself?

Thanks @parthenope. I want to pull out but I feel that’s rude . They are lovely people and have been very kind to me . I will cancel the next date and see what happens . I used to love to run so I may start that again. I also need extra money for holidays so I might do overtime too.

To answer , In a years time I would hope we will be spending every weekend together and seeing eachother two nights a week with a view to moving in together.

You are in your 30s. You are wasting your time with this man. Maybe it will happen, maybe not. In the meantime, you should not put all your eggs in this basket and instead develop other relationships.

Yes but why would you want to? Youd essentially be manipulating someone into feeling for you. And at what point are you going to stop doing that... never? Because what if they dont actually like you any more once you stop behaving in the unnatural way you've chosen to get them to persue you?

I've had that point in relationships where its falling apart but I know if I did/said x y and z I could make him want to stay... and in the past I've done it.... but now I'm older I see what an absolute fools errand it is. Because as soon as you stop second guessing him and preempting his every move, and just express your natural reactions, the whole thing will start to unravel again... it's so tiring.... yes it can be done but why waste your life and time tricking someone into loving you?
Let him leave and find someone who actually wants to be with YOU!

I'm sure they are nice, OP, it's just that tagging along to his parents' house on a weekend night just reinforces the idea that you're some kind of background decoration who fits into her boyfriend's rigidly organised schedule which centres around entirely different things which are in no way to do with you.

I think going back to running is a great idea -- it will give you energy and focus, and has always been for me a great way of dealing with an excess of feelings, whether that's anger or happiness or anxiety. But do something that puts you in the way of potential friendships, too? Is there a running group locally, or a Parkrun?

You're worth more than being a barely-noticed presence in the background of someone's life, you know, but you have to start treating yourself as if you're important, too, you know.