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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can get a man to pursue you?

67 replies

Plankty2 · 14/02/2019 13:13

Following on from another thread, do you really think it’s possible to get the man of your desires to pursue you and if so , how?!

OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 14/02/2019 16:55

If a man fancies you and you are both single, he will usually pursue you of his own accord.

If he doesn't, he won't.

It's as simple as that.

NicoAndTheNiners · 14/02/2019 17:00

Well it sounds like he does like you then if he does spend what free time he has with you.

But it also sounds like he prioritises his hobbies over you.

And if he's like that now he isn't going to change. Most men will at least reel you in before going back to footie/cycling/whatever. Would you be happy in a relationship like that? One where he doesn't put you first and you have to make all the compromises. I'd want to be in a relationship where at least at the start the bloke thought so much of me that he wanted to drop other stuff to spend time with me.

He doesn't sound a catch.

LuckyAmy1986 · 14/02/2019 17:04

I don’t know about a fool or a walkover but in my opinion it should just be easy, if it’s meant to be. There shouldn’t be this huge imbalance you are describing of how much or often you want to see each other or how fast or slow you want to take it.

Original poster
Plankty2 · 14/02/2019 17:04

He doesn’t spend the majority of his free time with me . His family and friends come first but a lot of his friends and brothers are all getting engaged and married now so he has some extra time. I think he fits me into his carefully structured ‘ window’ of free time that specific day . If an option came up for him to go party or pub or game or gig, he’d be gone like the wind .

OP posts:
LuckyAmy1986 · 14/02/2019 17:06

That doesn’t sound good!! When DH and I first stated dating we were with each other every possible opportunity we could and that would have come first. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?

LuckyAmy1986 · 14/02/2019 17:07

How long have you been together?

Original poster
Plankty2 · 14/02/2019 17:07

But is it not crazy after nearly six months of living In The same city we only see eachother midweek for an evening overnight and another overnight at the weekend with perhaps a brunch or coffee thrown in??? Does he need to up his game. All my friends are being wined and dined and treated and spend the majority of their spare time with their so’s , yet my guy is so bloody anal, everything is organised to within a hairs breath ...

OP posts:
LuckyAmy1986 · 14/02/2019 17:10

I personally wouldn’t put up with it. However you can’t force him to up his game. He either wants to or he doesn’t! Do you always stay in or do you go out and about?

UtterlyDesperate · 14/02/2019 17:11

Beer placed strategically and a well oiled man-trap have always worked for me, OP...

Original poster
Plankty2 · 14/02/2019 17:12

Both! Coffee/ brunch/ walk but in the evenings midweek we always sit in and watch a film with his buddies . At weekends , he will stay at mine and we eat and watch tv

OP posts:
SlipperyLizard · 14/02/2019 17:13

Sorry but, to coin an old phrase, he’s just not that into you.

Nothing you can do will change that (I know by experience!). Move on and find someone who really wants to be with you.

outpinked · 14/02/2019 17:14

I know this may be a harsh truth but from your description, you sound fairly desperate. People don’t tend to like desperation in a perspective partner.

I do agree with a PP that you shouldn’t have to play games. If it’s supposed to happen then it will, you shouldn’t have to force it.

Original poster
Plankty2 · 14/02/2019 17:15

I thought that if I detached a bit , and was not so available, he might make more of an effort and appreciate me a bit more as it’s always me doing the ego stroking !!! Although he is very complimentary and enjoys my company , I think

OP posts:
hazandduck · 14/02/2019 17:16

If these little ways already bug you I would personally move on, it is only going to get worse!

I understand the ‘playing it cool’ thing at first and yes it does work, because we generally always want someone to like us, and if we feel like they aren’t impressed/keen you want to change that! I find it with friends, or acquaintances, if one is being a bit too needy they really irritate me but the more I withdraw the more they persist...

But after 6 months of dating the flirty games should really have stopped! Every relationship is different, but to me that is a long time. DH and I by then were in each other’s pockets and totally besotted. You should be in the honeymoon phase, and I think you deserve to be with someone who will give you that. Your current partner sounds a bit passionless.

Yadayadaya · 14/02/2019 17:26

Op, so are you saying, he’s with his family and friends tonight and not even taking you out for dinner? If this is the case, I would be livid. I know not everyone is bothered about Valentines, but he should still make the effort anyway - just in case. And why not? I hope he got you some flowers or a gift?

Original poster
Plankty2 · 14/02/2019 17:32

No ! He is bringing me for dinner and I will stay at his but he will be gone at 6 30 tomorrow and then he says he wants to be on his own tomorrow and all day Saturday and so will call me to arrange meeting up on Saturday evening or Sunday , to spend a few hours with his folk. All this time, I am home alone painting my nails... eight kilometres away!

OP posts:
Yadayadaya · 14/02/2019 17:37

Hmm - When he says his “folk”, is that his family? It does sound a bit rigid tbh.

Only you know how this feels and clearly your gut is telling you something is iffy or you wouldn’t be posting.

So yes, I would be a lot more unavailable, going forwards. What if you were to tell him, you were going away with friends this weekend? Tbh though, it shouldn’t be this much hard work.

TheCreativeLife · 14/02/2019 17:38

Sounds like all he wants is a shag. I'd run a mile OP

DustyMaiden · 14/02/2019 17:38

I asked my mate to tell the boy I liked that if he asked me out I would say yes. We have been together 41 years, so that backfired.

Original poster
Plankty2 · 14/02/2019 17:42

Folk are his family . If i told him I was going away, he’d be happy for me. It bothers him that I don’t have much of a social life outside of him .i think he really likes me but only on his terms so what I mean by that is , he enjoys our time but it must be when he decides he is free and what we are doing . He definitely says all the right things but the harsh reality is that he doesn’t want to see me as much as I want to see him, yet, sadly

OP posts:
Original poster
Plankty2 · 14/02/2019 17:43

No it’s definitely not for sex

OP posts:
TheCreativeLife · 14/02/2019 17:47

Oh. So what do you get out of this then, OP?

Original poster
Plankty2 · 14/02/2019 17:49

He is very funny and Intelligent and generous and kind. He is interested in me and I find him interesting

OP posts:
LuggsaysNotaWomen · 14/02/2019 17:53

You’re a hobby girlfriend.

Nice enough to fill in his spare time but not enough to make any sacrifice for. Ditch him, you can do better and he’s just not that into you.

Somebody will be though, but you won’t meet him whilst you’re hanging about for Captain Busy, Busy to find a spare couple of minutes for you.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/02/2019 17:54

All this time, I am home alone painting my nails... eight kilometres away!

That's your first problem. You need your own life too, your own friends and routines and hobbies. He doesn't have to put any time into prioritising seeing you, you're always available whenever he fancies seeing you. Don't play games and say no for the sake of it, but actually build up more of your own life. It is massively beneficial to your health.

Then work our whether he is taking things slow, as he said he wanted to, and seeing you around his existing plans - not a bad thing - or if you're back up entertainment when he's bored, which is a bad thing. It can't be both.

It sounds like he enjoys time by himself too, and you're just at home chomping on the bit for him to get in touch... change the latter, because the former may never change, and if that's a massive issue, he isn't the guy for you.

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