Nine month old won't sleep, considering co sleeping

[Bergermurd]

Posting here for traffic, please help? My daughter is nine months and has always been a bad sleeper. I am up and down with her all night. She will sleep for ages in my arms but hates going in the cot. She keeps wanting to breastfeed all through the night. HV's advice is to try to settle her in the cot but she works herself up so much that I can't keep going with it and end up picking her up. I feel so sleep-deprived and am thinking of starting co sleeping just so that we can all try to get some rest. Please can you advise me? Should I start co sleeping at nine months if we've got this far without it? Would co sleeping actually be a solution? I just don't know what else to do.

Treble9, how many of those 3 were breast fed infants and what were their ages? What other risk factors were at play and what were the sleeping arrangements?

Treble9 that must have been dreadful, I'm so sorry. But my daughter is a healthy breastfed 9 month old so is this a different kind of situation?

Co sleeping is the norm in Pakistan, India, most African countries, and Japan. And those are just the places I know of for sure. Really we in UK/ US are the weirdos with our cots. It is important to read up on how to do it safely - consider a firm mattress etc. Consider who else is in the bed etc.
Treble19 - how many of those involved alcohol/ sleeping on a sofa (massive no-no)/ smoking ?

We co-slept until ds was nearly a year. I put him back in a cot and he created merry hell!
Then I had a brainwave and put him in a normal bed (with a rail). He was happy as Larry - turns out it was the bars of the cot he didn't like!

I would put mine down in the cot but if she woke up would put her in bed with me and husband would go to the spare bed. This carried on for a few months. Some nights better than others.

At about 13 months after being at nursery she started to learn to self settle so would only wake up a few times and would go back to sleep with a bit of shushing or me holding her hand through the cot bars.

She is now 18 months and in the cot bed (trying to climb out of cot) a few bad nights of getting out constantly she might wake up once but goes back to sleep. And only gets out of bed once after initial put down.

So the hv saying you are making a rod for your own back.... well I pulled that rod out of mine!

I would stick to a routine and settle in their room and put them down in their own bed to begin with and try to preserver for the first couple of hours (even if you have to sit there reading a book)

Remember they do eventually learn to sleep in their beds and this is only for a short time.

Echoing others, I think she should do what you need to do. Sleep deprivation is awful. I have to say co-sleeping hasn’t worked for us, but that is not to say that it won’t for you. I imagine you have tried the following, but in case you haven’t, these things have helped with my seven month old (fingers’ crossed):

• we’ve started (admittedly only in the last 2 weeks) putting him down for 3 naps a day (in his cot, with the blinds shut).
• we’ve increased his solids so he is fuller.
• we’ve put him in his own room (probably took a few weeks to adjust).

You have probably tried all of this and I have full sympathy. People at work keep asking me if I am enjoying my maternity leave, but it is virtually over and I have felt like a zombiw until a few weeks ago. Good luck & I hope something clicks soon.

oops meant “you should do what you need to do”...

Do it! I hope you're all in bed and fat asleep 💤 x

I co-slept with both of mine, 2nd more than first.

They'd sleep in cots for first few hours, then once awake, in bed with us and I breastfed whilst asleep.

I honestly think I'd have gone mental otherwise. By 2, they were in their own beds. I liked the closeness too and missed it when it was over.

Im really surprised at the amount of mums who cosleep. I dont know anyone who does. Personally i wouldnt start doing it now. I was too paranoid to put any of mine in with me. As soon as they were born i always put them straight down after a feed. Ds 10months never falls asleep on me now only laid down. Yes we have bad nights but i think the risk is too great. I understand people do what they have to do and its a personal choice but i wouldnt rush into doing this.

As pp said, do whatever feels right for you and your baby. I didn't co sleep, I settled them in their own cot no matter how many times it took, mind you I was lucky that my DC were all good sleepers. There is another thread on here asking what people would do differently if their grown up DC were small again, I would say always go with your gut. If co sleeping feels right at this point, do it. If settling them in their cot works for you, do that. I don't think there is a 'right' way to raise children, only a right way for your family.

@Mumshappy I could have written your post a couple of years ago. DS1 would never sleep on me, only in his own cot.

Then DS2 came along, and cosleeping/cuddling is literally the only way he will sleep.
Do what you need to do to get some sleep!

Nah to that, our DS was out of the room at 6 months and a day and sleep trained (boy that sucked) within 2 weeks.

BEST decision we ever made

I don't know whether the three I went to were breast fed. I was too busy trying to resuscitate them to ask. Alcohol was a factor in one case I believe. One case there were no obvious risk factors present as far as I'm aware.

I appreciate that some of you may have done it with no adverse effects, but it only takes one time for it to go horribly wrong and the consequences are catastrophic.

I co slept with each of my 4 kids. And I can’t remember being up at night with the youngest 2 at all, and only a handful of times with the older ones when they were sick.

I have always had enough rest and my kids have been relaxed and sleepy all night. No crying. Immediate comfort when needed. And lots of sleep. My friends who sleep trained their babies seemed to experience more stress related to sleep and bedtime. Though I am sure there are stressful experiences on both sides. But co-sleeping has been a life saver for our family.

You do have to ensure very safe co sleeping. And get used to a different way of sleeping. But it’s better than total deprivation!
I use futon mattresses on the floor. Pillow tucked under sheet so no loose pillows near baby and I always used a single duvet no higher than my waist in bed and fixed duvet in place so it couldn’t rise up the bed. I would always lie in a C shape and never turn away from baby or have anyone else lying near baby.
Durham university sleep lab have a link with expert advice on co-sleeping - think website is called ISIS or something similar!

Dd1 wouldn't sleep when with us but I co slept with dd2. Just dd2 and I for the first 8 months then dh came back to our bed.

Dd2 always started the night in her bed/cot but would come in around 2 am. It meant one wake up (to get her before she could walk) instead of multiple times.

She's 3 now and sleeps in her own bed.

There is no rod. Just rested family members!

Just wanted to say please don’t think sleep training = leaving to cry. There are many different methods that don’t involve you leaving them at all.
I was advised to use CIO by an HV with my first. I managed a day. It felt wrong and was the most awful thing I ever did. Plus my DD was very clingy afterwards. I then discovered the Baby Whisperer and within 3 days of trying her method, she could get herself to sleep no problem at all without the 30-45mins of rocking that had become an exhausting habit. I have honestly never felt more amazing than I did the first time she put herself to sleep. Saved my sanity.

I would add: please don't think sleep training is guaranteed to work. People who have sleep trained their children may have had children who were actually possible to sleep train. Don't blame yourself if it doesn't work!

I personally found baby whisperer an absolute fick of shit.

Crock of shit, even!

Both of mine (now 20 and 16) co-slept with me and both times it was the best thing for us. After waking up in an absolute panic with newborn baby half way down the bed under the duvet after falling asleep breastfeeding, I did what kenandbarbie did and made a safe little nest for her, so that she could come into my bed when she woke for her nighttime feed, with her cot by my side for when she needed her own space, and to go down in at bedtime and sometimes after last feed of the night. No crying in the night, no stumbling around in a stupor, no regrets whatsoever. We all slept soundly and loved the quiet bonding night-time experience it created.

When both babies were about 14 months and old enough to understand, we showed them their new rooms before moving them in gradually, and they both seemed genuinely excited to go into their own bedrooms. By this age they were confident and trusted that if they woke in the night we'd be there for them (monitor on to hear any calls)

I can reassure you that as an intuitive parent, nothing you do to keep your tiny baby happy will be making a rod for your own back (except perhaps giving it vodka or fixing an Ipad to the end of the cot). The number of times people said that to me with regards to picking up baby the minute they cry, co-sleeping, demand feeding... endless outdated crap or raised eyebrows from my own mother, the health visitor, a great aunt, even my older sister. In your instance, the health visitor should keep her silly opinion to herself, and stick to the usual statement, which is that they don't advise it. But go for it, you won't look back x

And you might like to read this excellent book Three in a Bed: The Benefits of Sleeping with Your Baby by Deborah Jackson. It was the game changer for me.

@Treble9 would you mind elaborating under what capacity you attended three infant deaths, and the mitigating reasons for these tragic events? It would be interesting to know if other factors (such as drugs/alcohol - both to be avoided when co-sleeping) were involved. Thank you

Hiya, lots of good advice here but just wanted to say hang in there! I found my son slept his worst around 9 months. It then slowly improved until he finally slept through at 1.

We used to put him to bed in his room every night, and resettle him in there if it was before 1am. After 1am we would bring him in with us for the rest of the night. Really helped with our sleep as he was waking ever 3 hours at that time.

sorry @treble9, I see you've already responded x