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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated by people who cant do jobs on their own?

35 replies

Folf · 14/02/2019 10:50

And by that i mean, the other adults in your life. You know the kind. You're sat minding your own business, relaxing, whatever.. and they decide they're going to go do a 'job' that needs doing, and you can guarantee that at some point you will be asked to stop what you are doing to go help them.

Fuck off, seriously. You decided to go do it, get on with it and leave me alone!!!

OP posts:
Skittlesandbeer · 14/02/2019 11:17

Mmmm, I often get told I’m controlling or grumpy or a fun sponge by family, because I shut down suggestions they make that I 100% know will require my full involvement (and I’m otherwise engaged or finally relaxing).

‘Let’s make slime!’ (that I have to find/buy ingredients for, and clean up)
‘Why don’t we get all the neighbour kids around for a swim!’ (so I have to supervise carefully, mediate all the game disputes and find 13 ice creams?)
‘Let’s sort out all our winter clothes!’ (So they can ask me 900 times if something fits them or where does it belong)

No Thankyou. I’ve been known to take my iPad out to my car, so I don’t get drawn into these bright ideas.

macblank · 14/02/2019 11:22

@folf
Is that the same job, you been complaining about not getting done? lol

ShartGoblin · 14/02/2019 11:30

My DP: I'll cook, you wash up
Me: OK
My DP: So if you just want to chop some veg
Me:....No
My DP: You're so unreasonable
I proceed to wash up and dry

My DP: I'll wash up, you cook
Me: OK
I proceed to cook
My DP: Can you come and dry the washing up while I wash?
Me: ....No
My DP: You're so unreasonable

thecatsthecats · 14/02/2019 11:35

Ok, I do this.

But on the other hand, I do all the DIY for our house. All of it. I don't mind, because I'm very into it, and I get to make all the decisions. I have a lot of fun, husband gets a nicely looked after house.

But if a job's a two hander, damn right he can get off the sofa for five minutes to help out.

michaelbaubles · 14/02/2019 11:39

My exH was like this. By the time we split I realised that he could never make anything in the kitchen without calling me in to check or help with something - this is an intelligent man with a difficult job. It was "is this enough butter on this sandwich for you?" or "is this done enough?" or "can you plate everything up and make the gravy" (bearing in mind when I made dinner all he had to do was sit at the table and wait for it). If I objected it would be "well, I don't know how you like it" - after nearly 20 years together.

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 14/02/2019 11:41

I always get DH to come help with jobs, not because he's lazy but because I know full well that if I don't start it and demand he comes help then it'll never get done or I'll have to do it all myself when he was supposed to do it in the first place.

We both tend to call the other when we're changing the beds. It takes a lot less than half the time and effort as a pair working together than doing it yourself.

michaelbaubles · 14/02/2019 11:41

Thecats - yes, people should help each other out BUT what's to say that the person "doing" automatically gets a claim on the time of the person "relaxing"? Maybe the relaxer has already done their own share of the jobs efficiently on their own and just wants a sit down, not for that to mean that they're automatically now up for grabs to help out with the other half of jobs. And that's being very very optimistic that there is indeed a 50/50 split.

ShartGoblin · 14/02/2019 11:43

Cats, I'd say that's fair enough with notice. I don't mind helping out with jobs that need my help but if my DP decides randomly he wants to do something and interrupts what I'm doing to summon me to help then he's only getting a 2 word answer. If he says in the week "On Saturday I fancy doing this and might need your help" that's totally fine.

It's interrupting what I want to to do something that we don't want/need that I object to. Fortunately he has learnt by now and says "When you get a minute can you help me with..." and I do usually find a minute very quickly because it makes me feel like he values my time so I should be kind in return.

He used to have form for expecting everyone to jump when told though but it was no match for my stubborness! Over time we just learnt that I need to be more patient and he needs to be more considerate, I think we have both grown as people.

Original poster
Folf · 14/02/2019 12:07

@macblank Nope, its not.

OP posts:
Oblomov19 · 14/02/2019 12:17

I hate this. Ds's mainly. Wrapping presents etc.

But also Dh when he bbq's. I still have to make the salad, do new potatoes, take the plates out, butter the bread/ cut the rolls, do the cutlery and then ketchup and sauces.

I do as much, to 'help' as I do when I do the main meal myself. how am I getting a break here? am I supposed be grateful that he is cooking the meat? Hmm

macblank · 14/02/2019 12:20

What my darling fiancée does is...

Df.. can you give me a hand later to hang the washing on the airer.
Me.. ok Hun

Later, while I'm watching TV.... FFS why didn't you come help me, my backs killing me now.

Me... Why didn't you tell you were doing it, and I would've come help. If you don't tell me you're doing it, how am I supposed to know.

This conversation can take place over several subjects.

Ducks for cover....
Is that a normal female thing?

Not ask for help, then complain you didn't get any help?

michaelbaubles · 14/02/2019 12:21

My current DP, when he's making me a meal, I don't have to lift a finger. If he (rarely) needs genuine help he'll ask nicely, if I'm not busy, would I mind lending a hand, and in fact I don't. It's amazing to get an actual break, as Oblomov says. The feeling of not being responsible for one thing in the day is amazing. (I'm a single parent and DP doesn't live with me/isn't the father of the DC so when he helps out it's a real boon).

Gotaprettypup · 14/02/2019 12:23

I thought DH was the only one to do this! So flamin irritating....he will go to do one thing, I'm doing another then I get the inevitable 'can you....' then I'm the arsey one when I say 'I'm doing this...'

floribunda18 · 14/02/2019 12:24

Yes, I get you, OP. Do it your fucking self, like I do all the time.

gamerchick · 14/02/2019 12:25

Ducks for cover....
Is that a normal female thing

No, that's a man needing his hand held. Why can't you remember the clothes need hanging and go start it rather than waiting to be told it's starting?

gamerchick · 14/02/2019 12:26

Or say 'why don't we do it now to get it out of th way'

michaelbaubles · 14/02/2019 12:29

Yes, gamerchick. So first she had to be the only one who knew the clothes needed hanging up (why is this?), then to tell her partner it needed doing, then to ask him later as well...actually what would have been great would be for him to see the machine was full of wet clothes and hang them himself. Like most women do all the time.

Iamboudicca · 14/02/2019 12:29

YANBU! definitely not. DH does this and it drives me mad. DD has now picked this habbit up from him too.

halfwitpicker · 14/02/2019 12:32

It's just easier for them if you do it. And they know this.

gamerchick · 14/02/2019 12:33

well...actually what would have been great would be for him to see the machine was full of wet clothes and hang them himself. Like most women do all the time

Yep! A good way to learn is to take over the laundry until it's a normal part of life I think.

NorthEndGal · 14/02/2019 12:33

Super glad I'm married to someone who says , "I'll sort the kitchen, you do the kids, meet you at the couch in 30, and I'll have a tea for you"
Also, very aware of how lucky I am

CalishataFolkart · 14/02/2019 12:34

macblank

Maybe your DF wanted you to clock how long was left to go on the washing cycle and come through at an appropriate time?

It does sound like she was being a bit of a martyr there, but you say this happens over several subjects? If you’re completely honest do you do your fair share without having to be asked?

Lindy2 · 14/02/2019 12:40

My DH always does this. It drives me crazy, especially as he then thinks he's been super helpful doing whatever the job was and seems to forget that I ended up doing half of it.
Usually now when he asks for help with something that is really just a one person job I tend to offer a job swap. ie "Yes sure I'll do that job. I can do it without help. You take over doing the job I was doing instead as you've stopped me from being able yo do it".
It's amazing how often he decides he can actually do it himself after all.

KaleidoscopeEyes · 14/02/2019 12:43

This drives me insane with anger!

'Am just going to do '
'Ugh, do you need me to help's
'Noooo, you put your feet up and read your book, I can manage, honestly'
'Sure?'
'Yep. You chill'

10 mins later...

Kaleidoscope!!!!! I need your help with this thing!

Angry
KaleidoscopeEyes · 14/02/2019 12:43

Sorry for typos. Where's preview post gone? Confused

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