To worry I’m becoming an abusive wife?

[prettyhibiscusflowers]

This makes my dh sound awful but he is a good, kind man who provides well for us. He’s supported me through mental health problems and he has been there for me when I need him.

We have a dd who is 9 months and I returned to work part time when she was 3 months old.
He’s a great dad and does help out around the house, usually has to be asked.

However, I feel like I’m constantly nagging but how do I get things done if I don’t repeatedly mention it?

For example, he got up with dd last night as per our arrangement across the week with who’s working/day off etc. I got up at 6am (he had gone to the gym) to see to dd and I noticed he’d left her wet nappy laying open on her bedroom floor.
Yes, not the end of the world but this is just one of many things.

I feel like I’m always moaning about something.

Other examples include bringing smelly old lunch boxes in to the house with old food in (that have been forgotten about) and leaving them ‘to soak’ for ages. I end up washing them.

Leaving clothes on the bathroom floor and sodding off to work. I pick them up because they are in the way.

Breakfast bowl and mug beside the sofa.

Crumbs/ coffee granules/ other mess on kitchen work top.

Gym clothes dumped where he empties his bag. I could go on and on.

He will end up clearing up but this can be days later if I don’t do it.
Do I just tidy up and keep my mouth shut and forever put up with this or say something and feel like my nagging is becoming too much? Abusive?

I resent that he just rolls out of bed showers and goes to work, meanwhile I’m juggling getting myself and dd ready, dropped off to childcare and myself to work.
Then come the evening i feed dd he baths her. I then cook and spend the evening tidying up, washing etc and rarely to get to sit down much before 9 whilst he’s usually asleep on the sofa. I know he’s tired but so am I. The only break I get is to go to work. This week has been particularly tough with a teething dd and I feel drained.

We’ve had a big argument tonight and I fear my nagging is driving him away.

Hi OP

It's not abusive to ask your husband not to leave wet nappies on the floor. It is disrespectful to chuck something on the floor knowing your skivvy has to pick it up.

When you've not been arguing sit down together and agree on some rules. You'll have to give a little on some things, tell him you're prepared to do this and mean it for example you want dishes washed straight away and he wants to wait til tomorrow, agree same day. It's not fair you are doing all the housework in the evening while he watches TV so you need to also agree to do the same amount on days where you've both worked (eg I'll tidy the kids toys while you load the dishwasher). Ask him what he thinks is acceptable in terms of standards of cleanliness and what he's prepared to do. Write it down. Then you're not nagging you're just reminding him of the agreement. If he doesn't stick to it and leaves stuff lying around agree you won't tidy it but you can move it. My husband is fairly good but dies have a habit of getting the kids in their bath and leaving their clothes on the bathroom floor. I used to move them but now I just say oh you left the clothes on the floor and don't mention it again. He will soon change if all his stuff is piled up including dirty nappies

It sounds very familiar. He isn’t tidy minded like you, it takes considerable effort for him to do it poor lamb. Usually I just do the extra bits unless I really feel irritated in which case I leave it. I have no doubt that dh’s own house would be messy if he had one. The other way is for there to be natural consequences to what he’s dumping. So his dirty clothes get muddled with clean because you were just putting them back in his drawer, his gym things stay dirty because he forgot to wash them, he has to tidy the house after putting baby to bed because you’ve gone out etc.

Agree with dividing jobs. So I’ll say do you want to do x or y and I’ll do the other? It’s hard to say neither in the face of such obvious equality.

Sounds like a v normal marriage OP.
It sounds very familiar. He isn’t tidy minded like you, it takes considerable effort for him to do it poor lamb

Really?!? Leaving a wet nappy in the floor is normal?
And just not been that tidy himself??

I’m nit a tidy person and wouod happily leave my stuff in the floor in a pile.
I’ve never left dirty nappies in the floor (let’s move on a few more months and have a crawling baby who can get to the dirty nappy in the floor. Isnthat still ok or is in disgusting/unhygienic?)
I’ve never left moulding lunch boxes to ‘soak’ either. If my experience is anything to come by, that is just a message saying ‘I’m not touching that disgusting thing so I left it to you to handle’

Some people have VERY VERY low standard and expectations.

You are obviously not compatible in this respect and he probably finds your reminders and complaints as irritating as you find his sloppiness over being tidy, etc. I second the idea of getting a cleaner if you can afford it, so that you aren't doing it all.

I would suggest that you concentrate on his good points - does he do some chores that you hate (e.g. my DH always does the bins). Constant criticism is wearing.

Stop picking up after him, he has no incentive to put a nappy in the bin if it gets picked up by you. Simply tell him “that nappy you left in the middle of the nursery needs putting in the bin” if he leaves a sock on the floor, tell him the laundry fairy stopped visiting you when you moved out of your parents home.

You don’t need to nag, just leave him to face the consequences of his own actions. If he leaves a lunch box to soak, then you are equally entitled to ignore it until he has no more boxes for his own lunch.

I do understand exactly how you feel though

People “nag” because they’re ignored. If this shit happened at work, I’m sure the offending person - the one who doesn’t do their share and ignores repeated requests - would be sacked.
Figure out a fair distribution of tasks, write it down and discuss it. Don’t “ask”. Take the position that if he has a rational reason why you should do much more than him, you’ll listen, but otherwise the current situation is not working for you, and it’s making you unhappy.

I've had this out with DH for 20 years now - he leaves clothes/tools/stuff all over the place and I'm constantly picking up after him - I've got upset and said he doesn't respect me etc etc, but I honestly don't think he realises when he's doing it because he doesn't do it to upset me, he just does what he does and doesn't see it. It's a difficult one to rectify, so good luck

I have the same problem with my dh, op. I blame his mum for babying him. Bless her, she's no longer with us. But I do find myself cursing at her for instilling such bad habits. Before I get flamed, im not blaming his mum entirely. But I will for sure teach my children to tidy up for themselves. In your situation, talk to him when your calm. You will sound reasonable and hopefully he will be more mindful xx

Leaving a nappy on the floor is rank.

If the OH leaves clothes/pots on the floor though-what do they think will happen to them?

How long would they leave them or are they always picked up for them?

I don't know... I get where some posters are coming from with the "disrespect" idea, but I think that requires a level of thought or malice which I am guessing is not actually there - quite the opposite: he genuinely doesn't think about the nappy again once it's left his hand. He doesn't see it when he walks past it.

My husband is/was the same, and I made a decision. I decided not to let it all bother me. I bought a small wash basket for the bathroom so at least his clothes go in there instead of on the floor. He cooks and while he is cooking, I empty the dishwasher, collect the dirty mugs from by the sofa and put them and his lunch boxes in there. He is doing my share of the cooking and I am doing his share of the tidying.

Basically, I decided that his good qualities far outweigh these minor annoyances. Yes, I could put all my effort into forcing him to tidy up after himself, but then we would both be stressed and he might still never get it - it might break us in the end and I'm not prepared to let a dirty mug ruin a loving marriage. He has made compromises/sacrifices for the family as well - for example he took a job he didn't really want because the pay and career prospects were better for us and that adds to his stress.

I love him more than I hate his dirty mug. The most important thing for me is that our children grow up in a loving, supportive, secure environment with parents who love and support each other. We are happy. You need to decide for yourself if this is a fight you want to commit to - if it's important to you then crack on; if not, that doesn't make you weak.

My 22yr old is like this, can you just dump (apart from crumbs) everything he leaves at his side of the bed or put in a container beside the bed - and a container in the kitchen for all his dirty dishes. He may get the idea if you do this calmly but matter of factly, so clearly leaving it for him.

Clothes on the floor ? Fold 'em and put back in drawers or hang up back in wardrobe.
Then when he complains he has no clean clothes:
"Oh ? I assumed it was clean - If it's not in the wash bin it must be clean therefore I put it away". And repeat, repeat, repeat.
Quickest way I know of changing attitudes; it worked a treat with the men in my family.

Doesn't work for tools though...

Unfortunately no a synonym for disrespectful is inconsiderate which is basically failing to consider what happens once the stuff has left his hand. Presumably because he never has to think about the consequences of it because it always get dealt with

I never understand why somehow we allow adults not to have to think about things we expect 3/4 year old children to do which is tidy up after themselves

"Clothes on the floor ? Fold 'em and put back in drawers or hang up back in wardrobe."

It's still involving effort from you though.

I don't go out to work so do most of the housework.

I don't think it's asking much for clothes to be in the wash basket/pots in the kitchen ready to be washed.

Just seen that you do not work. Go back to work full time, get a cleaner and everyone tidies up before the cleaner comes. Your problems will disappear I promise.
It is not an equal relationship if you are dependent on your husband to be the only breadwinner. If you go back to work, you will be treated equally by everyone at work and you will feel a sense of self worth.
So many women who complain about their husbands treating them as if they lived in the 1950s, choose to live in exactly the same way as their grandmothers.

BeanTownNancy I agree with what you say - you have encapsulated my view entirely.

Your situation has been highlighted by the arrival of kids. This is often the case.
A cleaner will only solve some of the problem. There's still the management of the home (and the cleaner). Cleaning a house is a small part of the bigger picture.

YANBU. Unfortunately, there are a lot of women in this same situation. Knackered all the time. For me, it has to be equitable. As much as possible. I still fell I do more of the mental load, but I have to some degree sorted some of the rest. It took work and sometimes I felt it wasn't worth it but I persisted because I'm not his mother or his housekeeper and I would start to resent him - never a good thing. It slips from time to time, and I have to remind him.

And no, it's not right that I need to 'train' him but I do, sigh, and otherwise we have a fairly decent marriage. At least he no longer says 'what do you want me to do'. Oh my. The most fiercely annoying question.

BeanTown I think you are right, he doesn’t do it to be horrible. He just simply doesn’t think.
It’s like he doesn’t notice his surroundings. I put some new curtains in dds room, he went in there to put something away and I said did you notice anything different. He said no and went back in. I had to tell him I’d finally made the time to put her curtains up.

I think probably part of the problem is because his mother done everything for him so he never had to think and I’ve carried it on although not to the extremes his mum did. It’s just always ‘I’ll do it later’ and later never comes.

I have made him out too sound awful, he really isn’t. I run a small (very small since dd) business and he always sits and helps me with getting my accounts straight, he’s hands on with diy, he will run to the supermarket when I’m out of something and I can’t be bothered. So it’s not that he’s bone idle.

Looking after dd is a far bigger task than work was so I should also probably lose some of the guilt that I work part time now. And just ask him to do xyz without feeling bad.

It’s probably different rules for the OP though. It will be ok for her to do the things she says her husband does because when she does it she will think she has good reason.

Often when you have young kids you are pulled in many directions and moving that plate or picking up those trousers are low priority compared to the other challenges of getting through the week.

If both parents are good parents and partners they need to give each other the benefit of the doubt and not judge each other. I doubt the OP would like to be judged and criticised constantly by her husband for things which are no doubt invisible to her.

It’s not abuse to temibd someone to be an adult.