To worry I’m becoming an abusive wife?

[prettyhibiscusflowers]

This makes my dh sound awful but he is a good, kind man who provides well for us. He’s supported me through mental health problems and he has been there for me when I need him.

We have a dd who is 9 months and I returned to work part time when she was 3 months old.
He’s a great dad and does help out around the house, usually has to be asked.

However, I feel like I’m constantly nagging but how do I get things done if I don’t repeatedly mention it?

For example, he got up with dd last night as per our arrangement across the week with who’s working/day off etc. I got up at 6am (he had gone to the gym) to see to dd and I noticed he’d left her wet nappy laying open on her bedroom floor.
Yes, not the end of the world but this is just one of many things.

I feel like I’m always moaning about something.

Other examples include bringing smelly old lunch boxes in to the house with old food in (that have been forgotten about) and leaving them ‘to soak’ for ages. I end up washing them.

Leaving clothes on the bathroom floor and sodding off to work. I pick them up because they are in the way.

Breakfast bowl and mug beside the sofa.

Crumbs/ coffee granules/ other mess on kitchen work top.

Gym clothes dumped where he empties his bag. I could go on and on.

He will end up clearing up but this can be days later if I don’t do it.
Do I just tidy up and keep my mouth shut and forever put up with this or say something and feel like my nagging is becoming too much? Abusive?

I resent that he just rolls out of bed showers and goes to work, meanwhile I’m juggling getting myself and dd ready, dropped off to childcare and myself to work.
Then come the evening i feed dd he baths her. I then cook and spend the evening tidying up, washing etc and rarely to get to sit down much before 9 whilst he’s usually asleep on the sofa. I know he’s tired but so am I. The only break I get is to go to work. This week has been particularly tough with a teething dd and I feel drained.

We’ve had a big argument tonight and I fear my nagging is driving him away.

He is lazy and assumes you’ll do it eventually.

Actually Chances I do question if I’m being abusive. Dear parents and dear sisters are always saying how badly I get on to him and to leave him alone that I wonder if I’ve actually lost sight of how to treat another human being with respect. Sometimes he looks like a broken man. I didn’t mean any offence to anybody that has or is going through abuse but I read so many threads on here when somebody posts and everyone says it’s abusive behaviour and to ltb and some of those things mentioned are how I feel I behave towards dh.

Justagirl I am 100% not perfect in all of this and I have my faults but it’s the constant picking up behind him. I could leave it where it is but if we have visitors I like the house to look a bit tidy.

NutElla I do have a a huge guilt complex. I wanted to work part time to be with dd and dh was fine with that and part of that arrangement was he’d pay all the bills which he does. I struggle to be comfortable with no longer contributing financially ( He and I know I’m contributing in another way) and therefore in some ways I am a martyr and pick up more than I need to.

We have talked about this and he says he’s more than willing to help and I should ask which I try to do regarding the bigger jobs- hoovering, hanging the washing out etc it’s the constant leaving crap lying around that never seems to be resolved. I think I will be trying the box idea.

Fuming that he wants to „help“! It’s his bloody house too and it’s his responsibility to do his share. You’re not abusive, he’s a lazy arse. That’s disrespectful to you. Ignore the chorus of parents and sisters. They’re not picking up after him, are they?

And why do you have to ask? He’s got eyes.

he says he’s more than willing to help and I should ask

So he thinks this is your responsibility and he's willing to do you a favour by helping you out if you delegate some of your work to him

He treats you as a skivvy and hates it when you push back for the simple reason that he thinks his time his more valuable than yours and you should be his little servant without question.

Hope you get it sorted OP, I lived with a guy like this and could binbagging his mess all together (clothes, dirty dishes etc) and dumping it on the doorstep stopped my need to "nag" quite effectively.

...oh maybe he can arrange his mum comes over a couple of times per day to clean up after him...or he moves back there if he's not ready for an equitable domestic set up yet.

Time for this classic I think.

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

Just wanted to say I'm in the same situation OP except with a 15 month old rather than a 9 month old 🤦🏻‍♀️

Where is his respect for you and the house though - a nappy on the floor, gym clothes everywhere. He has no respect for you so you have lost it for him

The way you are communicating is awful for both of you but you can’t change it only he can

It isn't abusive to expect an adult to tidy up after themselves.

We were all taught in my family by both parents to tidy up after ourselves as children simply because if you are in a household with more than 2 children who range in age from young adults to a toddler then the house would be a complete mess and chaos if you didn't. I also learnt to put my belongings away because they would go missing if someone else tidied up after me, so the box is actually nicer than having things filed in the bin or some random cupboard.

Your husband is properly a slob in the office, gym and other people's homes as well. I know my male friend who doesn't attempt to tidy up is messy everywhere and I have only had him as a house guest for overnight, there as others can and have stayed as long as they need.

My ex was like that - just left stuff at his arse and refused to respect me enough to put things away - clothes on the floor when theres a laundry basket, wet towels just left wherever, dirty plates left all over the house, etc. After 25 years of it he had to go (there were other issues - ie, he cheated!). I didnt realise until he left just what a fucking mess he made (I was so used to dealing with it I guess). House is now clean and tidy and I wish I had done it sooner!

If he did what is reasonable and considerate within a sensible timeframe you wouldn’t need to keep asking him repeatedly to deal with it.

However, you need to reconsider your tactics given you are still having to ask and ask and point out what a considerate person would do. Have a look at the teen pages here, lots of good tough love advice there - eg chuck stuff left on the floor in the bin not the washing machine.

Does it matter if he leaves clothes on the floor, the cereal bowl isn't immediately whisked off to kitchen the manky lunch boxes are left soaking? Genuine question as that is describing me to a tee

Send him the famous "my wife divorced me because I left a mug by the sink" which is about the drip drip drip effect.

And yes @Aridane it matters if it matters to your partner.

Have you ever sat down when you were not annoyed and had a rational conversation about what your expectations are? I would say to my dh, before you leave the house every day I need this particular thing done so it’s easier for me in the evening. Make a list of jobs and divy them out. As for the washing- don’t do it, put it in the wash basket and leave it, his problem.

He is taking you for granted and has no respect for the woyou are doing.
The fact he has to be asked for anything to be done says it all. He is taking no responsibility at all about the running if the house and is still acting as a child, doing as little as possible (see the nappy for example).

You are not nagging. You are trying to make take his responsibilities.

Yu have a choice to make. Either just accept you will be his skivvy for ever and stop ‘nagging’ or demand he is taking his responsibilities.
If you do the latter, you need very clear discussion about who is doing what (like you did for who is getting up in the night) and then you need to STOP doing anything that is his responsibility.
Yes he will take days for him to do it. And yes it will annoy you. But at some point, he should start doing it. If he doesn’t, then you have your answer and you will have to decide if you can live with someone who thinks his wife is there to clean up after him.

I have been there btw and I am refusing to ever clean after anyone anymore. And I am refusing to be treated as the skivvy in the house. This is not acceptable. And as it turns out, when those men don’t have ny other choice, they CAN do all those things wo being asked.

These pandering mothers who do all the housework, thus producing sons who do feck all, do any of them ever have daughters?

Aridane yes it does when it means that someone else is cleaning up behind you.
It does when you know that your partner has an issue with it (eg because it’s all in the way - clothes. It’s unhygenic - lunch box etc...)

I probably tidy up more than my husband, although he is tidy and does clean up but I am fussier about stuff not cluttering surfaces. However, he does most of the diy stuff. He takes care of the car, anything that breaks etc around the house. He does things like change all the electrical sockets to include ones with usb connections. When we moved into the house, he rewired and re- plumbed. I totally believe in equal responsibility for jobs but have noticed some women automatically exclude painting and decorating, diy, gardening and even managing finances and rarely take responsibility for these jobs.

Yes when you leave a wet nappy and go to work. It shows a complete lack of respect for your partner and daughter and are basically saying I am too good and busy to pick it up but I am sure someone else will
Here it’s not even about household tasks. The OP can’t start them until she picks up after him, personal tasks I expect my children to complete after themselves
Then in the evening he sleeps while she runs about and does everything and she worries she is abusivr

Sounds like a v normal marriage OP. Can you book a holiday perhaps....something nice to look forward to?

I second gathering up all of the things he leaves laying around into a black bin liner and leaving it for him to sort out at his leisure. It means you won't need to talk to him about it at all, gets it out of your way, hopefully reduces your frustration a little and he may actually learn to grow up and pick up after himself if he doesn't want his belongings in a bag with a dirty bowl, wet nappy etc.

It doesn't sound like a normal marriage at all. What low expectations you must have.