In not wanting to sell flowers?

[pinkgloves]

Nc'ed for this as it's obviously very outing. I'm a long standing Mumsnetter though. (Although if MN check I look fairly new as I had to get a new account due to getting locked out of the other one in the data breach issue .)

My child is in the local preschool and tomorrow we're doing a valentine's flower sale. We buy lots of flowers wholesale and then bunch them and sell them locally in the cafe and at the local shop. The proceeds go to the preschool.

I've done it for the last three years (even though dc wasn't even at the school one of these years) and am doing it again this year. I help to trim, bunch and price the flowers the night before.

Every year I'm asked to sell them the day of and every year I make up an excuse for why I can't.

I'm dyscalculic. I can't even add 7 to 4 without using my fingers. I have a complete mental block when it comes to even the most simple maths.

So for the first time this year I've told them this. Most of them have been very sympathetic but a couple of them have said I'm being ridiculous.

I've explained that I suffer HUGE social anxiety around buying and selling, even going on a bus (years ago) or to a shop. Restaurants and tipping before tip calculators were awful. Obviously I've forced myself to do these things because, well it's life.

One of them has said I just use a calculator and they don't see the problem. A: I'll feel like a fucking idiot using a calculator for a simple sum, I don't want the whole community to know, I know I shouldn't but I feel ashamed.

B: Using a calculator is still hard for me. If there are a few people waiting I'll get very flustered and upset.

The other one has said I need to 'suck it up and just do it. When will I even learn maths if I don't try?' I HAVE bloody tried. I do every day and have for 40 years! I've had many people (some of whom were specialists) try to 'teach' me or help me find different ways of thinking about it.

She also laughed and said 'that's ridiculous, it's a bit of a weird get out'.

Dh is going to sell in my place and so as a couple we're actually helping more than anyone else bar the organiser so it's not like we aren't pulling our weight.

Am I being unreasonable in not selling?

Am I being unreasonable in feeling upset by their reactions? I know they'll tell other people and I feel really embarrassed now (even though I know I shouldn't.)

I feel like I've always tried to hide it and now I've finally been honest to some people it's being ridiculed.

I've just been reading more on it as I've not really read anything for years and am shocked to see that judging speed, following directions and getting lost can all be part of it!

I've always been the joke of my friends and family for my totally inability to find my way unless the directions are written out in list form with actual arrows and landmarks. I lived in London and would get so stressed about getting anywhere, I'd have to plan the route the day before and go over it so many times just to understand it written down when under pressure driving!

And I've always terrified people the way I've stepped out in front of cars I shouldn't have or waiting when it was miles away.

DH said he's going to talk to them tomorrow. The one that was quite unkind he said he's going to say she's actually made me feel bad. She's meant to be a good friend of mine which is why it's probably upset me so much.

Could you (or your DH) draw some kind of chart or grid with the prices already written down and added up?
Then you could just read off the price.

I also have dyscalculia and totally understand. I can't copy down numbers right either. I can use a calculater if I'm on my own and think carefully about what I'm doing and would then get someone else to check it. In that situation I wouldn't be able to do it. I think a lot of people have never heard of it whereas dyslexia is much more well known and understood.

Could you (or your DH) draw some kind of chart or grid with the prices already written down and added up?
Then you could just read off the price.

Why do people do this? The OP has said she doesnt want to do it and why. She has said that she gets flustered and anxious so why not just accept it and help her find a way to tell the bitches to get fucked instead of finding her a way to do the thing she doesnt want to do?

Its ok to say "No I dont want to" without having someone trying to push you into it via convoluted "solutions".

Not having a go at you personally Baroness but it is something I have found happens a fair bit on MN .

Hear, hear Pyongyang.

You do your bit. Someone else can do the fronting and the rest can piss off with their comments.
LD are NOTHING to be ashamed of. They should go and educate themselves the bunch of ignorant mares.

@BaronessBomburst **

Could you (or your DH) draw some kind of chart or grid with the prices already written down and added up? Then you could just read off the price.

Giving people their change would be my main issue. Not to mention I still haven't got the hang of American change. Quarters, nickles etc!

When people in shops do the 'you give me a nickel and I'll give you ten dollars back' and stand there looking blankly at them. First of all, what the hell are you talking about and secondly, which one is a nickel and how much is it bloody worth!

At least Uk money is 20p piece is 20. 50p piece is 50p. They haven't given separate names to each sodding coin. And then not written the amount on the bloody coin!

You have nothing to be ashamed of. However you are not comfortable doing this so this should just be accepted and they should stop asking.
You've already volunteered your time to sort the bunches out so they can find someone else to do the selling.
If they continue to pressure you then I'd be telling them where to stuff their fund raiser next year.

I've just discovered at the age of 43 that I'm dyspraxic. I had a detailed psychometric test for work. She came in with the results and asked if I'd ever had brain damage! She said she'd never seen someone score so highly in some areas (e.g. top .5% for verbal) and sooooooooooooo low in other areas (spatial).

It has explained EVERYTHING to me.

I have no sense of direction, bang into things all the time, struggle with things that are really basic. I've also been made fun of and people think because I can be so smart at some things I'm just not trying. It was a relief to get a diagnosis.

I know tell people if they make fun of my I'm dyspraxia and they never know what that means so go all quiet.

How long have you lived there? Are you happy there? I just couldn’t live somewhere like that. It’s giving me palpatations just thinking about it!

As for those women, they’re just nasty. I’m sorry they’re supposedly friends.

Of course YANBU. You’ve done your share already, even without DH going.

My Mum had a rubbish childhood. Her spelling is dreadful and despite trying, she just can’t improve. I think when you miss the basics as a child the ‘rules’ are just so hard to remember. Or maybe she has dyslexia? She panics with maths too. She’s in her ‘70’s now, in ‘her day’ it was never looked into. It stops her doing quite a lot as she’s really embarrassed about it.

I’m sorry that in this day & age you got this reaction, but it does sound like the place is 100 years behind the rest of the world.

Practise your ‘fuck you’ face x

I was trying to be helpful.
The OP said that the way the school system works she pretty much HAS to do something. At least that's the way I understood it. Hence looking for a workaround.
If you want to practice screaming "Fuck Off!" instead, I offer my services. Just don't throw things as my visual spatial is pretty crap and people will get hurt.

You could try basically laughing at them all and coming out with stuff like 'Well, in England we don't do this sort of wierd/rude/creepy shit. I can't wait to tell all my friends back home...'

"No" is a complete sentence.

You do not have to justify yourself. You have explained why you do not sell. It's hardly as if you do not contribute. Prepping the flowers is a big job.

But then this year I thought, I shouldn't be ashamed, I'm over 40 for fucks sake. This is me being over anxious about it and I should just tell people. Yeah. Great.

Oh yes. Been there, too, when I explained that I struggle to remember names, when I do remember them I struggle to attach them to the correct faces, and often struggle to recognise faces at all. One colleague walked out of the room muttering "...known me for long enough...how do you think that makes me feel?" Yeah, how do you think it makes me feel?!

To be fair, most of the Mums have been really lovely and a couple asked - is that why I've never done it before and that they feel bad that I felt I couldn't couldn't tell them.

One of them also has just said to me that she suffers from bad social anxiety and it's always been awful for her to do the selling bits of fundraisers. She doesn't sleep for nights beforehand. She said now she's going to speak up and say how anxious it makes her so I feel glad I've open up the communication lines a little!

Left and right . Hold your left thumb out and forefinger up. It makes an L for left. I have to do it when I'm having a driving lesson on the steering wheel. My instructor is great. For the indicators he says up or down.
As an aside, does anyone else have anxiety dreams about being stuck somewhere and not being able to dial a phone number? I do. Its awful.

They sound horrid. You’re doing a great job helping out the night before. Ignore it.

Im dyslexic and struggle terribly. Add in pressure and I crumble like feta.

Tell us more about this flower sale. It sounds like a really really good idea!

does anyone else have anxiety dreams about being stuck somewhere and not being able to dial a phone number?

Frequently. There is a fire or an accident or something and I need to dial 999 and either my phone wont work or I keep dialling the wrong numbers. Always gets me stressed. My other anxiety dream is that I look at the clock and it is 3pm and I have to go and pick the kids up, and then I look again and it is 7pm and I havent picked them up and I dont know where they are. Or I have and we are on a bus (I never get the bus!) and either I get off and leave one of them on or one gets off and I stay on and I end up miles away, hours later, unable to get back to them.

Doesnt take a genius to work out what my main worries are...... i think that they are fairly common anxiety dreams.

Doesn't everyone do the little dots thing on numbers? If not, how do you add up?

This really reminds me of a family member who likes to say in a really patronising voice, ‘well let’s sound it out, how do you think it’s spelt’ if ask how to spell something. I can’t fucking sound it out, I’m dyslexic and my brain doesn’t work like that.
Some people process information in different ways, I think it’s great that you’re talking about it tbh.

does anyone else have anxiety dreams about being stuck somewhere and not being able to dial a phone number?
All the time. Desperately needing to make a phone call but typing in the number wrong everytime. It’s usually a sign I’ve got too much on!

OP, I feel for you. I wish I was brave enough to say this to people but I suggest practicing “that was a hurtful and unkind thing to say”. Even if you can’t say this to their face yet, you can say it to yourself.

@pinkgloves As I understand it, yes, left and right confusion is related. Certainly with dyslexia.

I'm also useless with directions, my friends always laugh when I put sat nav on to drive around the city I've lived in for 20 years.

I know where I want to be, just can't picture in my head how to get there. And this is despite the fact I sit looking at a map of the whole area for 12 hours a day at work!

Language/spelling etc I have no issue with, I'm very articulate and it just makes sense automatically, I can see it in my head.

Maths? Forget it.

I have a friend who just doesn't get numbers in any way shape or form and always thought he was stupid because of it. This is a man with 3 degrees, 1 masters and countless diplomas in medicine.

I was really shocked that he felt this way. And he only realised he wasn't stupid in his 50s when I told him a stupid man wouldn't have all his qualifications. No one had ever pointed out the obvious to him before because he never felt he could admit it to them.

I'm really looking forward to asking him does he struggle with left and right and directions.