In not wanting to sell flowers?

[pinkgloves]

Nc'ed for this as it's obviously very outing. I'm a long standing Mumsnetter though. (Although if MN check I look fairly new as I had to get a new account due to getting locked out of the other one in the data breach issue .)

My child is in the local preschool and tomorrow we're doing a valentine's flower sale. We buy lots of flowers wholesale and then bunch them and sell them locally in the cafe and at the local shop. The proceeds go to the preschool.

I've done it for the last three years (even though dc wasn't even at the school one of these years) and am doing it again this year. I help to trim, bunch and price the flowers the night before.

Every year I'm asked to sell them the day of and every year I make up an excuse for why I can't.

I'm dyscalculic. I can't even add 7 to 4 without using my fingers. I have a complete mental block when it comes to even the most simple maths.

So for the first time this year I've told them this. Most of them have been very sympathetic but a couple of them have said I'm being ridiculous.

I've explained that I suffer HUGE social anxiety around buying and selling, even going on a bus (years ago) or to a shop. Restaurants and tipping before tip calculators were awful. Obviously I've forced myself to do these things because, well it's life.

One of them has said I just use a calculator and they don't see the problem. A: I'll feel like a fucking idiot using a calculator for a simple sum, I don't want the whole community to know, I know I shouldn't but I feel ashamed.

B: Using a calculator is still hard for me. If there are a few people waiting I'll get very flustered and upset.

The other one has said I need to 'suck it up and just do it. When will I even learn maths if I don't try?' I HAVE bloody tried. I do every day and have for 40 years! I've had many people (some of whom were specialists) try to 'teach' me or help me find different ways of thinking about it.

She also laughed and said 'that's ridiculous, it's a bit of a weird get out'.

Dh is going to sell in my place and so as a couple we're actually helping more than anyone else bar the organiser so it's not like we aren't pulling our weight.

Am I being unreasonable in not selling?

Am I being unreasonable in feeling upset by their reactions? I know they'll tell other people and I feel really embarrassed now (even though I know I shouldn't.)

I feel like I've always tried to hide it and now I've finally been honest to some people it's being ridiculed.

The trouble is, we're all such a small (and nosy) community that if you don't help you need a good excuse. Everyone knows if you're in the area or not

I find 'I don't want to' works particularly well. Or, 'I felt mildly apologetic about not doing it this year, but the unpleasant attitude to X to my discalculia (sp?) has made me completey unrepentant. Have fun!'

@BalloonDinosaur (and similarly I really struggle with knowing left and right, which can also be incredibly embarrassing as a 34yo)

Me too! Is that related? I actually failed my first driving test because I went the wrong way three times! I have to drive on a ferry regularly and drive them nuts going the wrong way, it's become a bit of a local joke.

I HAVE THIS!!!! I had no idea there was an actual proper name for it!!

Ever since primary school I've had to do mental arithmetics by counting on my fingers! I can't do simple sums in my head as the numbers all jumble up.

I have difficulty reading number sequences and I HATE having to work out how much change someone needs when I do the raffle at fat club haha

I would be very hurt by their attitudes, you have a recognised learning disability and if they don't like it they can kindly fuck off! Don't stress about it, you've made alternative arrangements by getting DH to help out anyway

I'm sorry they're being unkind about it. It sounds like you're helping loads already!

The only thing I can think of if you do want to do it that could help is what a friend of mine (also with discalculia) used to do for cake sales — she'd have a card with common combinations on it (so 1 small cake = 50p, 2 small cakes = £1, 1 small cake and 1 traybake = 90p). Obviously only works if you have a limited amount of prices, but it meant she could just look up combinations, rather than having to do any maths on the spot.

They are being mean and judgemental!

I'm always asked to write notes, flip charts and pub quiz answers, people think I will be good at it because I am relatively intelligent and have a large vocabulary. But I have dyslexia and terrible anxiety about my appalling spelling, I was always berated at school and writing in public puts me into a panic!

You gave them a very reasonable explanation, that they are not actually entitled to, if they don't accept it then it is their problem.

One of them has said I just use a calculator and they don't see the problem

The other one has said I need to 'suck it up and just do it. When will I even learn maths if I don't try

Here you go OP, print this off and give it to the people who were so rude.

www.dyslexia.uk.net/specific-learning-difficulties/dyscalculia/

That attitude is prevalent among ignorant people. Something's no effort for them, so they wrongly assume other people who really can not do it only need to try harder.

Not knowing left and right is related. Its all part of the dyslexia family.

People find it odd. But I try to hide it - i can get left and right into short term memory so i re-learn it for five minutes every time I know I am going to need it. then its gone again.

DH confuses me when giving me directions because he attempts to guess which one I'm going to think is left and so he'll say turn right when he really wants me to go left. I'll hear his instruction and think hard to work out which is right, then turn right and he promptly tells me that I've got it wrong and need to U-turn!!

If you were my friend then I'd go out of my way to help you take part in a way that made you comfortable with it, cos it'd mean (a) I get to spend time with you and (b) doing a good thing. Double win.

That other woman was a grade A bitch. Fuck her.

I honestly don't see what other people's problem is. You prepare the flowers BUT they want you to sell them too?! That doesn't seem very fair. I think you did great, being honest with them and bringing your lovely husband in to help sell. Ignore the prissy bunch. You do what's best for you.

This sounds exploitative and a bit fucking creepy, to be honest. Have you checked out this stuff about having to do pointless fundraising shit or the school gets closed down? I mean, with the education department of the local authority? Because that's the sort of bullshit that might well suggest that whoever runs this school has actually got a set of sticky fingers in the till and is relying on a cult following to keep the cash rolling in...

I didn’t know dyscalcia could be so severe as not being able to add 7 + 4. Well done for telling people that you have a disability. I’m sorry they have been such arses.

If you bunched the flowers up, that’s your task done as far as I’m concerned. Unless everyone does this and sells as well, it really should be on to others. However you have the perfect legitimate reason not to sell.

How cruel.

whistl
My friend has difficulty with left and right. She remembers left because the corresponding left hand creates an L if you span out your thumb and index finger. Not so with the right hand.

TBH I don't know why you even had to give an excuse beyond "No, doesn't suit".

Not unreasonable to not help sell.

Honestly at this point, I just hand over a chunk of cash. It makes no sense to spend hours and hours working on a fundraiser when I can earn more money in one hour at my paid job. I make a generous donation and don’t feel bad about not hauling boxes or selling trinkets or whatever ridiculous way to raise money has been cooked up.

DH confuses me when giving me directions because he attempts to guess which one I'm going to think is left and so he'll say turn right when he really wants me to go left. I'll hear his instruction and think hard to work out which is right, then turn right and he promptly tells me that I've got it wrong and need to U-turn!!

My lovely DH and I have worked out that while I can generally tell left from right, in any sort of hurry or when I am driving in a country where they drive on the other side of the road, I can't. So when I am driving and he is giving directions he always says "your side of the car" and "my side of the car" or "your side" and "my side". My ex just used to get cross with me for being stupid.

Ouch OP sounds like where we lived in the US. I ended up not sending mine to preschool rather than be part of the local (30 minutes drive away) co-op preschool.
I really hope your Dh confronts the rude people tomorrow. The one having her child assessed needs pulling up on this. She needs to know that this attitude is one her child could come up against as an adult, how does that make her feel?
My US friend has Dyslexia to me it seemed pretty obvious even though she is intelligent and is really good at coping and working around things, she wasn't diagnosed till University. Her middle son was finally diagnosed in Community college. He has Discalclia. DIgnosing seems way late from what I have experienced, apparently it costs the school money to have it done thats what I was told and so they teach them to cope.

Friend had the no idea of left and right, her driving instructor used turn to the knife hand way and turn to the fork hand way.

I was assessed as dyslexic as a dc, I also have almost no mental arithmetic and struggle with my left and right. I couldn't and wouldn't volunteer for till based job. I also wouldn't give very detailed explanations about it.
This is their problem not yours.
I have had to explain to dc's teachers that I cannot do a lot of their number and spelling stuff and why.

Left and right we used to use a hanky when we were kids (friends had terrible left right problems) As a child the girls always had a hanky tucked in a sock (weird school rules thing), the right one. So others would tell friend, to go right by saying hanky sock, or hanky side.

@ReanimatedSGB I'm in the states so rules and teaching authorities are pretty different here.

Even though this is a state licensed school it's kind of independent. The town fund it through their good grace.

There's a board of directors who are mostly parents of kids in the school or local high standing community members so I don't think there would be sticky fingers.

@Mummyoflittledragon I didn’t know dyscalcia could be so severe as not being able to add 7 + 4

I can do it not on my hands if I do it in my head and visualise little dots and count them all. But I'm very aware that I'm closing my eyes, screwing my face up and counting out loud which is, quite frankly, utterly humiliating!!

So you are doing voluntary work and they're complaining that you should do more?!?! What a cheaky fuckers.

I would just say calmly that you have contributed to the fundraising event and for the reasons stated won't be helping with sales too. You could go on to say you're hurt by some of the comments and that if they want to make money they're better off without you for the reasons you've given.

I'd like to add to that that the reason why you don't want to do it shouldn't matter. You are already doing voluntary work. They should bloody be thankful for that, not pushing you in a position where you need to defend yourself.

If its something you'd like to do to help, but feel anxious and that you wouldn't be able to, wouldn't nt it be possible to "buddy up" with one of the sympathetic people?
You could carry them and keep them looking tiptop, wrap them etc, and they do the money side of things? And if its a sale you feel comfortable with, you could give the nod and take the lead? - Could potentially help with the social anxiety issue a little?

If it's just something you'd sooner not do then just say "I'm happy to help doing this, this, this and that, but sorry I can't help with this and this." - You've still done far more than many for the school.