To ask for grey rock replies

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Have a person in my life who I think is a controlling, interfering, manipulative person who loves emotional blackmail etc, possible narcissist. Going no contact is not an option, so trying to go low contact and not let them bother me and I'm composing a list of replies for dealing with them by text and in person. So far I have:

I/we can't really commit to [Christmas, Easter, birthday etc] yet, it's quite far off

Have plans that day, will have to find another day that's suits us both.

That doesn't work for me.

That’s not convient

Sorry Im afraid I'm really busy then

That won't work right now.

I can't free up the time that week.

Sorry, just so busy right now with (housework, some DIY, work, the kids etc)

That’s not how we do things

Well see

I'll have to think about that

Thanks for thinking of us but... or
That doesn't work for us but thanks for thinking of us'

Thanks for the input but...

I appreciate your input but...

I'll keep that in mind

I understand how that makes you feel

I'm sorry that you don't like the decision we/ I have made

Not sure if these will all work or will just antagonise the person. Any other good ones? Thanks

That's your choice.

I'm sorry you feel like that.

I ended up going low contact and grey rock on a relative, and their behaviour did improve and become tolerable when they didn't get the attention they craved.

We'll be out all day.

I only respond to actual questions so anything else won’t get a reply at all
( that’s what I do I mean rather than I reply with that)

"Have a person in my life who I think is a controlling, interfering, manipulative person who loves emotional blackmail etc, possible narcissist"

Fuck off?

I would be as predictable as possible.

So I think you have too much variety going on!

Start every text or email with something like "Thanks for your message." Then add a limited platter of platitudes depending on the occasion:

Invite/summons: "We're pretty busy at the moment, I'm afraid." (no further info required)

Opinion offered: "Interesting to hear your thoughts on it." (no "buts", no further info offered for them to come back with a reply.)

Obviously that's a suggestion for you to say to Horrible Person, not aimed at you OP!

Lots of banalities about the weather as a filler. It works in response to any question about how you are or what you are up to.

Wondering if the weather will improve, enjoying the weather, looking forward to better weather, hoping it will warm up, dry up, cool down. Looking forward to spring, summer. Missing summer. You get the general idea.

Thanks I'll use those, what do you say if they ask where are you going out to and try to ask to join. Do you ignore, divert the conversation, tell them where you are going and say that it's not convenient they join, lie about where you are going so they can't just turn up or something else.

If you say "I'm busy" and they ask "doing what" what is the best way to respond to that. Thanks

No, thanks.

Ah, didn't spot you were still seeing them in person.

Over text/email you can just ignore.

Them: "Do you want to meet up on Sat Xth."
You: "We're pretty busy at the moment."
Them: "Where are you going?/What are you doing?"
You: "Still planning - so busy!"

It would work in person too. You just have to train yourself not to give justifications, reasons or excuses.

And once you have delivered the "so busy" line for the second time, you then deflect with a question to them or a filler about the weather.

"I'm busy"
"Doing what?"
"Errands" or "Stuff"

As for if they ask to join "That doesn't work for me this time."

And as others said, keep it simple and don't be tempted to add unnecessary detail, apology or justification!

DEF don't tell her where you're going, she may turn up anyway.

Avoid detail.
Feel free not to answer them.
Be vague.
Be boring. Veerrrrrry boooorrring.
Less is very definitely more.
You might have to be rude (by your standards).

DO not JADE such a person. JADE is an acronym for justify, argue, defend or explain.

Would also suggest you shore up your own boundaries a lot more and further lower all levels of contact.

Why isn't no contact an option in your case here (I ask only as people often write that because they are mired in their own FOG; fear, obligation and guilt).

If you say "I'm busy" and they ask "doing what" what is the best way to respond to that. Thanks

Depending how bad it is, I probably wouldn't reply, if texting.

If it's in person and you need a quick out, you could say you'll have to check your diary and get back to them, and then don't get back to them.

It’s difficult OP, I know, as the person I’ve done this with will literally go anywhere and do anything as long as they’re with us and bringing us all down. So if I say “it’s a kids thing” they’ll say, “oh cool I’ll come then”. If I say its something I’m doing myself or even with my husband, the response is the same. What I have learned is that they don’t like randoms. So I’ll say, “I can’t this weekend as we’re going to ___ with DC1’s friends and their parents”. That isn’t enticing to them at all as they don’t like sharing us. I’ve gone NC with people who are outwardly toxic, close family members even. This person just seems to have not done anything bad enough and is too old and set in their ways to change, I believe. So we go low contact and arms length and it’s working out really well at the moment. We can’t help being ‘busy’ all the time, so it’s just accepted for now.

Another one I've used is to say no specifically and then talk about needing some 'me time' at the moment. This would work with some people but it didn't work in this case - narc just manipulated her way in using someone else to gain access to me. It really depends what you're dealing with.

Just have to agree with attila and you’re spot on about JADE and the FOG. Me and my only non-toxic sibling tease each other if we cave into our toxic family members’ demands - “you’ve got lost in the fucking FOG again” 😫

I wouldn't include the word sorry anywhere.

For 'I'm busy' then 'with what'

Maybe try:

'its private/personal'

I use ‘sorry can’t make that’
If asked why I either say ‘it’s complicated’ or ‘i’ll explain another time’

There's an interesting book by George Simon. He talks about being direct with the person and calling them on their behaviour using phrases like, "As you know..."

Eg. As you know, your tantrumming last time upset everyone and I've had enough of it, so, no, I won't be coming Friday.

With ones I know, calling them out on their behaviour would just fuel the drama. I agree that above would work with some people but not all. Bit like JADE..