To ask for grey rock replies

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Have a person in my life who I think is a controlling, interfering, manipulative person who loves emotional blackmail etc, possible narcissist. Going no contact is not an option, so trying to go low contact and not let them bother me and I'm composing a list of replies for dealing with them by text and in person. So far I have:

I/we can't really commit to [Christmas, Easter, birthday etc] yet, it's quite far off

Have plans that day, will have to find another day that's suits us both.

That doesn't work for me.

That’s not convient

Sorry Im afraid I'm really busy then

That won't work right now.

I can't free up the time that week.

Sorry, just so busy right now with (housework, some DIY, work, the kids etc)

That’s not how we do things

Well see

I'll have to think about that

Thanks for thinking of us but... or
That doesn't work for us but thanks for thinking of us'

Thanks for the input but...

I appreciate your input but...

I'll keep that in mind

I understand how that makes you feel

I'm sorry that you don't like the decision we/ I have made

Not sure if these will all work or will just antagonise the person. Any other good ones? Thanks

"I've got a lot of crap to get done, and I'm not looking for company. Have a nice day"

Repeat as needes

I have a someone in my life who does this,OP.

There are reasons for it and I understand those but his ability to recognise and respond to boundaries is quite poor.

I also say, "that isn't going to work for me" and "I can't I'm busy" but I also find that he also asks, "why" and "what are you doing?"

So I just reply,

"I've given you my answer. I'm not discussing it anymore."

Or

"This isn't a conversation. I've given you my answer."

Or

"I am not going to respond to any more messages about this"

And then I don't respond again.

So an example might be:

"Hi. What are you doing at the weekend? I'd like to see you"
"Hi. Oh that would be nice but I'm going away this weekend."
"Oh where are you going? Who are you going with?"
"I'm going to Stratford."
"Oh. I'd like to go to Stratford. Who are you going with?"
"Would you? I'm going on my own/with some friends"
"But I'd like to go. Can I come with you?"
"No. I need the time to myself/I haven't seen my friends in ages and you don't know them"
"But I'd like to see you and I haven't been to Stratford before. Which friends?"
"I've given you my answer. I'm not discussing it further"
"But I'd really like to go. Why don't you want me to go with you. Which friends are you going with?"
"I've given you my answer. I'm not discussing it further."
"Ok. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pester you. But I've never been to Stratford. I'd really like to go and I don't understand why you don't want to go with me. Which friends are you going with?"
"I've given you my answer. I'm not going to respond to anymore messages about this."
"ok"

The messages will continue but, as I've already said I won't respond again, I don't.

Oh, you know. This and that.

These are great thanks

ItRubsTheLotionOnItsSkin wish I could tell them to f**k off but that would cause too many problems for me/ family drama

NoSquirrels the main problem is in person because I am a very socially anxious person/ coward at confronting people or being direct (which the person knows and uses to their advantage) so need to practice alot of replies for different situations and hope I'm brave enough to just use and repeat.

AttilaTheMeerkat no contact isn't an option because its my Mil and husband is still in the fog I think. Sil and bil are her flying monkeys, so when it's in person with lots of them its more difficult because there is the risk of getting ganged up on

Thanks I'll use those, what do you say if they ask where are you going out to and try to ask to join. Do you ignore, divert the conversation, tell them where you are going and say that it's not convenient they join, lie about where you are going so they can't just turn up or something else

"Another time perhaps, I'll let you know."

If they ask "Doing what?" Say "Oh so many things, I won't bore you with the details"

Always useful - "I'll get back to you if we can make it".

And one I've never used, but my brother has : "I would if I wanted to!" said with a huge smile Apparently people only 'heard' the tone , rather than the actual words.

My DM...mines me for info. Any scrap will do.
So now when she starts diggi g a out, I respond,
"We're all grand."
Covers everything
Happy. Healthy and wealthy.
Got so somwhere to go?
Invite only.
Booked months in advance.

No is an excellent word. Much under used and under valued imo. It’s been a revelation for me.

Never apologise. Always give just the short end of the answer- the bit before you go into an explanation.

'Another time perhaps, I'll let you know."

If they ask "Doing what?" Say "Oh so many things, I won't bore you with the details"

Always useful - "I'll get back to you if we can make it".

And one I've never used, but my brother has : "I would if I wanted to!" said with a huge smile grin Apparently people only 'heard' the tone , rather than the actual words.'

All really excellent 😁 be as dull as possible and give as little detail as possible, and yes, be prepared to change the conversation to really vague stuff like the weather at any point

Part of the problem that you have is your DH, SIL/BIL (and of course MIL) see you as the issue, not her wanting to join in your Family life.

You need your DH onside and if he isn't, tell him he's seeing her alone.

"No"
"That's interesting"
"I'll bear that in mind"
"Oh well"
"That's too bad"
"Have a good 2019"

You’re using sorry and ‘I’m afraid” a lot, see if you can get rid of those. I like I recognise that you feel that way, instead of I’m sorry you feel that way.

Love "so many things, I won't bore you with the details".

I usually say "work stuff", or "the usual".

You need to be much more vague and much less apologetic.

I'm not sure, I don't know, I haven't decided.

What about you?

Anyway, must dash, running late for the kids.

Tell you next time. Well you know how it is etc.

Meaningless waffle with no content.

And divert and distract with:
How's the weather with you? How's your neighbour? Is the postman still unreliable? Etc. Loads of opportunities for them to talk about themselves.

All these distraction/avoidance techniques don't work on people who are genuinely manipulative/controlling/instrusive. They will just continue to ask.

You have to say directly that you are not going to answer them anymore and then ignore.

Any, "oh you know, just busy" responses will just elicit a "doing what?" response.

You need to shut it down.

For starters, cross off 'I appreciate your input'. You don't!

Never, ever JADE. Don't go into detail about why you're saying 'no' or give them any leverage whatsoever. They will argue til the cows come come, and enjoy it to boot.

My personal favourite grey-rock response: 'I'm sure you see it that way'.

Susan Forward is a master at helping people apply 'grey rock' responses which she calls non-defensive communication. (Toxic Parents and Toxic In-Laws are the two books in which she details case studies of people she's helped to apply this method. They are compelling reading!). There are also various books out there on non-defensive communication and it might be worth reading them as this isn't an easy skill to develop. It's a valuable tool to have at your disposal in the workplace, too. Practice until it becomes second nature, and get into the habit of ensuring there's a time-delay before you respond to texts.

Good luck, OP. I know the frustration you are currently feeling!