To think that you can love two men..

totallydevoted22 · 2019-02-13T12:20:36+00:00

Is this really possible...That you can love two men in two entirely different ways because each man fulfils needs in you that one man cant? Is there always a fallout? These needs do not relate to physical relations, more emotional needs?

PurpleDaisies · 13/02/2019 12:23

Only in romance novels.

GerryblewuptheER · 13/02/2019 12:23

I think it's possible.

But then I've never believed in happy endings like fairy tales. More there always being a price. Choosing what you can't live without and what you can.

PBo83 · 13/02/2019 12:29

Absolutely. Most people have more than one love during their lifetime so it's perfectly possible that it happens concurrently. I guess the reason it doesn't happen more is because we're very quick to try and squash potential feelings if we're already in a happy, loving relationship.

IWouldLikeToKnow · 13/02/2019 12:30

I would say you can, but I would also say there's always a fallout

Sparklesocks · 13/02/2019 12:34

I think it is possible to find different needs are met by different people but juggling multiple partners at the same time is rarely possible. Some people are into polygamy and it works for them but a lot of the time jealousy, balancing your time and managing it all is just too much.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 13/02/2019 12:38

Yes.

LilaJude · 13/02/2019 12:40

I think it’s possible, or there would be no polygamous relationships. But I think it’s probably much more common for there to be a fallout - it’s hard to ensure everyone’s needs are met. It wouldn’t be for me, but it obviously works for others.

DeathBySnuSnu · 13/02/2019 12:40

Oh totally! But I genuinely believe that monogamy was invented by the (ahem) slightly less attractive as a way of passing off emotional blackmail as "true love".

MattBerrysHair · 13/02/2019 12:42

Yes, but unless they are both on board then it's best to make a choice and no longer indulge any feelings about the rejected one. Our culture isn't set up to allow this.

Milliepede · 13/02/2019 12:45

I currently do.

MaryShelley1818 · 13/02/2019 12:57

Yes, it’s definitely possible

crumbnugget · 13/02/2019 12:57

What would the reaction be if a man said he could love 2 women at the same time? I think most of you can imagine the responses, and lots on here would be outraged. No I am not a man, just a woman that finds it hard to get my head around double standards in general. I know men do this, and have affairs, but those affairs get slammed on mumsnet, and I am sure a mans explanation that these two women fulfil different needs would be total accepted by most mumsnet posters obviously

Klopptimist · 13/02/2019 13:02

Yes crumb, if a man loves two women at the same time, he is having an emotional affair. When a woman loves two men at the same time it is limerance.

GerryblewuptheER · 13/02/2019 13:02

No ones talking about acting on anything though. Just asking if something is possible.

People who cheat dont always love or even like hell they might not even know the person they cheat with. It's not necessarily related to having feeling for more than one person

GerryblewuptheER · 13/02/2019 13:03

And the MN definition of emotional affair pretty much has everyone who so much as talks to the cashier in Tesco as guilty

crumbnugget · 13/02/2019 13:10

Klopptimist I am not sure whether you are agreeing with me or making an acceptable difference. I do apologise for not understanding what you meant fully. I have read so many posts on here at even the sniff of a man having the slightest interaction with a woman is pounced on, I'm not talking physical , just friendships being questioned as being not on.

Parthenope · 13/02/2019 13:11

Of course. The concept of 'The One' is nonsense. I've been happily married for aeons, but have met two or three people with whom I've felt I could have been equally happy, were we both free -- I can imagine that if I'd met one of them at the same time as I was starting to know my husband, I could have felt entirely torn.

But then I've never felt that monogamy should involve having all your needs met by your spouse -- i think that's far too much pressure for any relationship. I have a couple of close friends, male and female, who give me things I don't get from my husband, fabulous though he is, and he has similar with his friends. It works well for us, and I think it's far saner than shrieking about Emotional Affairs if a male and female friend pair ever venture to talk about anything more than the weather.

crumbnugget · 13/02/2019 13:11

GerryblewuptheER your comment did make me laugh, exactly!

Klopptimist · 13/02/2019 13:13

I'm agreeing with you crumb, there's definitely a double standard.

GerryblewuptheER · 13/02/2019 13:17

But then I've never felt that monogamy should involve having all your needs met by your spouse -- i think that's far too much pressure for any relationship. I have a couple of close friends, male and female, who give me things I don't get from my husband, fabulous though he is, and he has similar with his friends. It works well for us, and I think it's far saner than shrieking about Emotional Affairs if a male and female friend pair ever venture to talk about anything more than the weather

I completely agree.

Why do we need friends if one person gives us everything?

How do we grow as people if we have no external sources of mental stimulation.

Where does that leave a person when death or divorce strikes?

I can't be doing with this notion of men and women not being friends or talking to each other without it being more. God I better quit work then cos its 98 percent Male customers.

People should stay because they wanna stay. Not because they have had their interactions with other policed and removed.

Original poster

totallydevoted22 · 13/02/2019 13:21

I suppose this is the problem...One man is my husband, the other is my friend.There are no sexual relations with my friend yet I have a much stronger emotional bond with friend and we click much more in terms of humour/interests/hobbies/work etc.However, my husband is the kindest, quietest man you could imagine.He is not really interested in small talk, nor does he engage, but if there are issues or problems or sickness, you could depend on him with your life.He is exceptionally quiet and socially awkward but dependable and lovely and I wouldnt trade him for the world .I feel that I get many needs met from my friend aswell as my husband. I dont fancy my friend, nor would I want any sexual intimacy with him but I value the connection and friendship that we have to the point that i would consider him to be one of the few significant relationships in my life.Does this sound disrespectful?

OP posts:

crumbnugget · 13/02/2019 13:21

Klopptimist sorry for needing to check, I didn't want to be any crossed wires. I am glad I am not alone in my bafflement of MN sometimes. I feel that maybe I don't belong here when I read some posts Ive been a long time lurker, was worried to add my views incase I get accused of being someones ex called Barry or something!

GerryblewuptheER · 13/02/2019 13:26

totally

Honestly you sound bored. Think that's the problem more than anything.

Cuddlysnowleopard · 13/02/2019 13:27

I wouldn't overthink it.

I have friends (male and female) that I think of as my favourite people, who I really click with for different reasons.

I would say that I'm probably currently in love with three men, one being my husband, one a man from many years ago who I deliberately cut contact with, and another who is a close friend.

My husband is also currently in love with me, and also currently besotted with a friend of mine.

Thing is, we're open about it, know where our lines our, and a careful not to hurt each other.

If your DH is okay with your friendship, then what's the problem?

MothershipG · 13/02/2019 13:28

The problem is not with loving 2 people the problem lies in what they feel about it.

It's not fair to deceive anyone so you would have to be completely honest with all parties involved so they could make an informed choice about whether it was something they were comfortable with.