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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by this?

34 replies

cabbage78 · 13/02/2019 12:11

I have posted on here about my marriage before. Iam in an abusive relationship. My DH is a malignant narcissist. Life is very difficult. I will leave one day but can't yet. I have been with him since a teenager. And he wouldn't let me work. He has the career and money. I have only ever been a housewife. My two children 18 and 24 can't stand to be around him but we all tolerate as much as we can till I can leave.
I have started in the last couple of yrs to claw back a life for me and my kids where we can do things without him around. Every event .. Christmas.. bdays..is normally ruined by him so we started to do stuff without him and it keeps me sane.
This obviously involves lies to him..I have gotten good at it and I don't feel bad about it all..we can finally enjoy some little holidays etc.
Recently we went to center parcs for the weekend. He thought I was on a girls weekend for my mum's 70th. This is true about my mum Being there but also there were my extended family.. sister..brother and their families and my children and their partners..it was wonderful. I have been so down and depressed recently and this lifted me and to spend time with the kids not walking on eggshells is priceless
However.. my sister who is fully aware of the situation iam in suddenly announced she was putting pictures of mum's bday on FB. Even though everyone knew not to do this as my DH doesn't know we are all there.
I told her could she just put pics of the girls up including mum..but not the men..as DH thinks it is a girls trip. She then humiliated me in front of everyone saying it's ridiculous and she likes to put all celebration on FB. My mum isn't even on FB! In the end she didn't.but I cried that night about it..lift is difficult enough without feeling like my own sister cares more about FB. I know it's probably because ism so depressed anyway that i just can't shake off the hurt.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/02/2019 12:17

Bloody hell at your sister Sad
Can you get into your husbands FB and block your sister? Obviously that doesn’t iron out all your other problems. You have to leave him OP. Your life is precious and you don’t deserve to feel like this. Is there anywhere you could go? Mums?

Have you talked to Women’s Aid? I’m positive just by doing so will give you some clarity and conviction to leave him.

LilaJude · 13/02/2019 12:18

OP, what is stopping you from leaving?

Your children are adults, and they don’t like their father. You haven’t worked but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t find work now - even if it was something totally unskilled while you get on your feet.

You have a (mostly) supportive family who know what your DH is like and have assisted you in avoiding him.

What is stopping you? What is actually in the way of you walking out right now and setting up on your own?

Your sister is a red herring. You can be annoyed at her if you like but the real issue here is your abusive husband. And that’s a problem you have the power to solve.

Confusedbeetle · 13/02/2019 12:18

FB should be banned. Just come off it

Original poster
cabbage78 · 13/02/2019 12:23

Iam planning to leave in a few years when did has finished uni. He won't pay towards it if I leave . I have tolerated him this long I can hang on in for a bit longer..as long as I have these little times without him.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 13/02/2019 12:25

Surely your sister could just block your husband?

If your children are adults I really think you should leave.

ATBhinchers · 13/02/2019 12:25

Wtf just leave. Keep hanging on until the next thing has finished. It'll be uni the something else will follow. Just leave. seriously. Student loans are there for a reason plus they are both old enough to work as well. You can get a job, there's benefits. Also you're married so you will be entitled to money. Life is so much more than This!! What will it take for you to see that.

ATBhinchers · 13/02/2019 12:26

*DONT keep hanging on

userschmoozer · 13/02/2019 12:27

The person you need to distance yourself from is your sister, she's playing a dangerous game with your safety Flowers

TheNavigator · 13/02/2019 12:29

In fairness to your sister, I expect she was just wanting to demonstrate how ridiculous and unsustainable the situation is - you are forcing your family to collude in your lies - including your own children - and that is a shit situation to put them in. Your children are adults, so it will be starting to sound like an excuse. Really, the photo issue should be a catalyst - rather than blaming someone else, as usual, start taking control of your own life.

ATBhinchers · 13/02/2019 12:29

What would he do if he found out OP?

Redcrayonisthebest · 13/02/2019 12:34

Your sister was unkind yes, but perhaps with good reason. You've drawn your entire family ,including your children, into tiptoeing around and keeping secrets. If your only reason is so that he will pay for your University course then that's not really enough. It sounds like your dsis at least has had enough of creeping around. Ask them for help, make plans and leave. Life's too short!!

ApolloandDaphne · 13/02/2019 12:39

I am guessing your DS and possibly the rest of your family are tired of the web of deceit around you and your circumstances. Possibly fed up you haven't taken any action to move on? You really need to take the bull by the horns and get out so you can lead a wonderful life every single day.

Original poster
cabbage78 · 13/02/2019 13:29

My family never have to lie to DH ..they don't see him. The only thing I ask is not to post a couple of things on social media a couple of times a yr. They are not tired of it because they never really think about it.
My son hadn't spoken or seen his dad for 6 months so he isn't lying to him either..and my DD barely sees him.

OP posts:
ATBhinchers · 13/02/2019 13:46

Excuses excuses....

TheNavigator · 13/02/2019 13:47

Nonetheless, surely you can see what a deeply unhealthy dynamic this is and why your sister may be reluctant to collude in it? In a way, she is being asked to help you stay in a terrible situation for longer rather than being able share some happy snaps with her family and friends.

BanginChoons · 13/02/2019 13:54

OP does your dd receive a student loan? This is means tested based on the household income of the parent they live with when at home. She should get a higher amount if she lived with you and your income is low.

You could even think about leaving, and moving to the town where your daughter is a student.
Please seek help and support with this, from Women's Aid or similar. And do not tell him you are leaving, just make your arrangements and go.

Valdy · 13/02/2019 22:35

I don't mean to be cruel. I know it's easier said than done, but why can't you just up and leave? It really sounds like it's just excuse after excuse not to leave. Find work, move out, get help via women's aid, move in with family, etc. There are so many resources now for people in abusive relationships.

I can also understand your sisters frustration, I think it's very black and white to look at it in the way she was just angry at the fact she couldn't put a post on Facebook. I would think she's more annoyed that your family are having to continue this lie with you and I'm guessing it isn't the first time there've been limitations to what family can do and say because of this relationship.

Chloemol · 13/02/2019 22:40

I really don’t see why your son being at uni is a reason for not leaving. If necessary he can get loans to get him through. I th8nk you are just making excuses not to leave, harshas that may sound. If your kids don’t like him and are aware of the issues I am sure they would help and support you leaving now

Dontaskmeihaventaclue · 13/02/2019 23:08

Your ds could just hide her post from him. It's easy to do, she can block him from seeing just one or all of her future posts. That way she can put what she wants on Facebook and you don't have to worry about him seeing it if she sets him to acquaintance he wont see anything she posts, but he won't be blocked or deleted.

I doubt he'd even notice if he didn't see anything. Facebook seems to show very randomly these days, I quite often spit a friend d post on my wall a few days after they've made it. I probably miss a lot of other posts.

GreenTulips · 13/02/2019 23:18

Your DD will get funding if you are a single parent
Life’s too short your lucky your kids still want to be around you - you choose him

Start planning and get out be happy

Stargazer888 · 13/02/2019 23:33

I know I'll probably come across as harsh but given your kids can't stand him and he is abusive, that's a lot of pressure to put on your kids to say you are staying with him to pay for their education. There are other options, I can't help but think you are using this as an excuse.

TheOxymoron · 14/02/2019 09:34

Sorry OP but you won’t leave. You have adapted your life around this situation rather than confront it.
There is nothing stopping you from leaving. If you wait for a “perfect” opportunity it will never come.
People find ways if they are that determined.

There is an old saying “Put up or shut up”. It may sound harsh but it’s true. You are asking your family and friends to do or not do things to accommodate your toxic relationship. It is not fair or right.

Think carefully OP but I do wish you luck.

Parthenope · 14/02/2019 10:30

I agree with several previous posters that it's highly unlikely that your sister cares more about FB than she does about you, but that she was using the moment especially if it was in front of your family to stage a kind of intervention on how untenable the situation is, and to try to force you to confront the fact that you seem to be making excuses not to leave. Presumably they've been aware of what's been going on for years, and seen you continually push back the date of your departure.

Only a fool would think it was easy to leave a longterm abusive relationship that you've been in since you were a teenager, obviously, but your family presumably think that using the children as an excuse is ridiculous now that the kids are 18 and 24, and think you should start making plans to free yourself.

You're mis-directing your anger, but I think you know this.

Nothinglefttochoose · 14/02/2019 10:33

You could leave now, but you don’t want to. Your children are adults and have nothing todo with it.

user122397743 · 14/02/2019 16:44

I've got a friend like this. First she couldn't leave as the DC were still at school...then 6th form...then uni....
Screamingly clear it was actually her that couldn't bear to give up the lifestyle despite being married to a cheating arsehole.

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