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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Long lost parent won't reply

43 replies

FluffieBabies · 13/02/2019 12:05

I paid an agency to trace my long lost father who I haven't seen for 45 years. They traced him and I sent an email message, but to my great disappointment he didn't even reply. Has anyone else traced and contacted their long lost parent only to find they weren't interested?

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 13/02/2019 12:06

Sadly this does happen sometimes, for many reasons

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 13/02/2019 12:08

Email is not entirely reliable, there is always the risk of something going straight to junk folder or the recipient assuming it is spam an deleting the message without opening it.

If you have a postal address then perhaps send a letter?

Good luck Flowers

punishmepunisher · 13/02/2019 12:11

How long ago did you send it? Some people check their email very infrequently

AintNobodyHereButUsReindeer · 13/02/2019 12:13

To be fair, if I got an email from a "long lost family member" I'd probably think it was along the same lines as the whole Nigerian prince thing and delete it.

Although saying that I suppose it would depend on the amount of detail that was in the email, like mentioning other names, like mothers name etc.

user1474542454 · 13/02/2019 12:16

Hi OP. Like the other posters said are you sure it has been received? Is there any other methods you could contact them by? Social media, address, not sure if you were able to obtain a phone number? I wouldn't be too disheartened until you are sure they received it. How long ago did you email them? Perhaps they received it and are still in shock and unsure what to reply with. Good luck x

Arpafeelie · 13/02/2019 12:16

Try again, but write next time. The email might have gone into his spam folder.

PantTwizzler · 13/02/2019 12:17

OP: Yes.

PurpleDaisies · 13/02/2019 12:18

It depends on why he is “long lost”. Unfortunately some people just aren’t interested which is why they became estranged in the first place.

JenniferJareau · 13/02/2019 12:20

I'd write a letter. Email can be marked as spam before the recipient even sees it.

FluffieBabies · 13/02/2019 12:23

He's in the USA, I'm in the UK. He never paid child support so maybe he was worried about that, but he need not have now. Maybe his current partner didn't know about me. It would have been nice just to have one message from him. I have half siblings I don't know about too.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 13/02/2019 12:24

The fact he didn’t pay child support makes me think he wasn’t really bothered then, and that might not have changed. How did you come to lose touch?

FluffieBabies · 13/02/2019 12:26

Thank you, yes him not seeing the email had crossed my mind. He has a business on facebook, and I have a phone number but I don't want to ring if he doesn't want to speak to me. I think now I will either send a chat message or send a letter.

OP posts:
IWouldLikeToKnow · 13/02/2019 12:26

I know my mam has an email address, but I'm 99% certain she never/rarely checks it. It's could be just that.

FluffieBabies · 13/02/2019 12:29

My dad was in the US army and stationed in Germany. Then when we were due to move to UK he just never showed up. My mother didn't chase him for child support as she didn't know his address. He showed up a year or so later at my mothers parents to find out if a divorce had gone through I was told many decades later.

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 13/02/2019 12:35

Perhaps he doesnt acknowledge you.
Were your parents married?
Did you DM perhaps - not accusing - have an affair - or he believes she did and these is a question over your parentage?
Was he married to someone else?
If he has his own business, does he think you are looking for an inheritance after all these years?

You need to find out why he became 'estranged'.

FluffieBabies · 13/02/2019 12:39

Yes my parents were married, I don't think there was any affair stuff or questions about parentage. He is retired and just has a little side business which looks like doesn't really do much trade any more as he is 77 now.

OP posts:
Lightofday · 13/02/2019 12:43

If u know his name then could u find him or even just your half siblings on social media? He might not want to know...but I'm sure they would.

FluffieBabies · 13/02/2019 12:44

So either I'll send a chat message on his facebook business page (which he hasn't posted on for a year) or send a letter, but do I do it signed for or not.. If they ask for a signature he might refuse the letter. So maybe I should send it tracked but not signed-for..

OP posts:
PeterPiperPickedWrong · 13/02/2019 12:44

FIL has older children. DH tracked his half sibling down -with FIL permission, he asked first as he didn’t want to upset anyone- After finding one half sibling DH met up with them and FIL said he didn’t want anything to do with them as it’s all in the past and didn’t want it all stirring up!
To be fair he has been a shit father to DH but I just don’t understand it. His own flesh and blood, who he and DHs mum tried to get custody of when they were younger. He has grandkids and now great grand kids he has no interest in seeing. His loss.
Sorry op, some people just aren’t good parents. Flowers

Fink · 13/02/2019 12:45

I haven't gone through this personally but I've known someone who has, and was well counselled beforehand about contacting the parent found and what to expect. It doesn't sound like the company you used did any proper preparation with you.

It is quite common for the parent not to want any involvement, particularly if they were already aware of your existence and chose not to be in contact before (there are other circumstances, such as when the father is unaware that there ever was a child, or the other parent has removed the child and disappeared and the remaining parent is unable to find them). You really should have been prepared before sending the email, did you receive any advice at all?

I would advise you not to phone as it forces an immediate response. If you are worried that the email hasn't got through, send a letter. And make sure you get proper support. For example, it is relatively normal to receive a reply several months later, don't expect an immediate reply; if he does want any contact, it may take him a long time to process the information and decide what to say.

Before you write, research carefully what you are going to say. Do you want medical information from him to help with potential genetic conditions? Are you able to reassure him that the past is over and you won't be asking questions about why he abandoned you, or do you actually want to talk about these things? Are you looking for closure, for an ongoing relationship of some kind, for information ...? Be clear in your own mind about what it is you want to achieve by making contact.

FluffieBabies · 13/02/2019 12:45

Yes I would be interested in finding my at least 2 older half siblings but only have possibilities of names, I have looked but no luck. The tracing agency couldn't help there either.

OP posts:
WH1SPERS · 13/02/2019 12:49

Yes I’ve had this. I traced my mother and she didn’t want anything to do with me. It was hard.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 13/02/2019 12:51

I think I'd send a message via Facebook and then be prepared not to hear anything more. He could have seen you when he turned up at your GP's house, he could have made contact arrangements and never did.
As harsh as it sounds, he abandoned you once, so don't expect too much of him now.
Is your mother still alive?

babysharkah · 13/02/2019 12:53

I think you have to be prepared that they don't want contact. I'm adopted, if my birth mother contacted me I would not respond for a myriad of reasons.

BarbarianMum · 13/02/2019 12:56

Not me but my dad's first son (born to a girlfriend) got in touch with him some years ago and he didnt want to know - he wasnt prepared to take responsibility 60 years ago and he hasnt changed. I felt sorry for the guy but the truth is that my father is a weak, self-serving man who's brought himself to grief time and time again and our family is deeply disfunctional as a result. Best thing my dad ever did for him to was to walk away before he was born.

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