Long lost parent won't reply

[FluffieBabies]

I paid an agency to trace my long lost father who I haven't seen for 45 years. They traced him and I sent an email message, but to my great disappointment he didn't even reply. Has anyone else traced and contacted their long lost parent only to find they weren't interested?

You say you have a phone number? Do you have someone you trust that could phone for you. If they speak with him he’ll give an answer one way or the other and then you will know.

At 77 I wonder if he just doesn't check his emails very often. My dps are late 60s and go months without looking at theirs. I would write a letter as a next step op. Phoning could be very upsetting for you if he doesn't want to speak to you.

Don't send a FB message. Too unreliable. My Mum has a FB account she hasn't looked at for a couple of years. People still post Happy Birthday messages on it, she is blissfully unaware.

Unfortunately it happens and its horrible. My dp hasn't seen his dad since his 1st birthday. Hos mum never had any financial support or anything from him. We decided to try and track him down after a medical scare (40+ yrs later) mainly because dp wanted to know who his father was and because the medical issue is known for being genetic and we wanted info from his side. After.months of searching and research we found him on fb but the account hadnt been used in years. We dug deeper and found a relative and contacted them along the lines of "we knew x a million yrs ago would be nice to get in touch could you please pass on our details" and left a contact number and email address. She kindly obliged and passed the info over. Months later we get an email from him saying dont bother his family again but he would give us info we needed. We emailed again with the general questions and thank yous etc. His response was pathetic. Along the lines of "its too.much to process he needs some time to deal with it, woe is me. I will answer the questions but not yet, the family dont know about you blah blah" that was 2 years ago. We never got the answers to the medical questions, which if we had have, it would have saved dp months of tests and waiting for results etc. Some men are simply just sperm donors. I wish there was some kind of law that could.make people stand up and take responsibility in situations like this.
It affects dp greatly that he never knew his father, and he has other half siblings he will never know. I do sometimes feel.tempted to "out" him to the rest of his family for having a "secret" child just to cause him some of the pain he has made his son suffer, but i won't because it won't achieve anything in the long run and will cause pain to other people who are not involved and dont deserve it.

So they were married, he was in the US army based in Germany but they were planning to move to the UK? Did he leave the army then ( or say he had) ? Not sure he could have been stationed over here at that time.

Might be irrelevant, just struck me as odd.

Doesn't this just show the longing for contact with a parent, even though that parent has proven themselves time and again to be a really bad parent? Your dad has behaved really terribly, OP. I wonder what it is you want with him now - could he ever make up for behaving the way he did? Would you ever believe him if he said he wanted a relationship now?

Sorry you are feeling upset, you must be feeling very emotional and have lots of questions having reached out and hit this first hurdle.

A close relative went through social services a couple of years back to trace his family (was adopted at birth in the 1940's). The social worker involved spent two sessions speaking through all the potential reactions, emotions, and how to handle contact so I know it's different for you as it's not adoption but I think the company who traced your father are not very responsible if they haven't covered all that.

I'm sorry you haven't had the reaction you were hoping for, we were told very few many people do have a happy reunion, especially the longer time has gone passed since initial separation.

The social worker said that many people have kept previous children secret from their future families so don't want to rock the boat, and sadly she stressed that financial concerns and inheritance can cause issues (both the lost and seeking individuals can be vulnerable to exploitation), even if the initial reaction from the family member is positive.

We were told that often even if the parent responds positively their family may not and you should prepare yourself for all these options.

My relative decided not to pursue further contact once they had the details as they felt they could not handle what might be. Their sister similarly traced her birth family at the same time and she has had contact several times, including attending family events. But their lifestyles and financial circumstances are very different and some members of the family have been openly hostile as they feel they are looked down on by said relative and have nothing in common so refuse to speak.

So tread very very carefully as you stand to get very hurt. Could you seek counselling through your work or GP so you can talk through your experiences, whether or not your father responds. My relative was in his late 60's and was surprised by the emotions the whole experience uncovered (and they're a very traditional, normally unemotional individual) and was glad to have been guided through the process.

Don't try to force contact, and take care of yourself x

Not sure he could have been stationed over here at that time.

There are still US staffed bases in the UK

[[https://militarybases.com/overseas/united-kingdom/}}

I should also add that it is allegedly (as in, I don't have the statistics to hand) becoming much more common as DNA testing is getting cheaper and more accessible as a home genealogy project. People who in previous generations would have gone to their grave believing that their parents are A and B find out that they are actually not related at all to B and there is some deeply buried family secret (usually that the mother had an affair). Then they have the whole trauma of whether or not to contact the biological father.

As I said earlier, there is a lot of support available and you really should look into it before sending a letter. It can help you to understand what your own motivations are for getting in touch as well as his possible reactions.

The information you have regarding him just not showing up for the move to the UK seems strange unless he was either leaving the army at the time or he went AWOL.
I agree with another poster please get specialised counselling on this before taking it any further.

He may be ill or incapacitated. It could account for no posting on the fb site and not seeing your email. Do you know that the company is still operating and that he’s physically involved?

Someone who has not been in contact for 45 years is a stranger. They may be open to meeting you or at least sending information but at 77 they may not have the emotional energy to deal with change. Your siblings might be more or less welcoming.

I've seen this second hand and you need to be prepared for not getting a good response. Sometimes it works out - I know of half-siblings who have stayed in touch - and sometimes you can tell in advance it's unlikely to go well. The children of one half-sibling were very anti contact.

Some people dont even know Facebook messages are there and never check them. I've had messages from people who are not friends with me on Facebook that I didnt notice for years. Older people dont always check email often either. Someone else ringing and letting them know you have emailed them might tell you if they have seen it or not.

It probably increases your chance of getting a response to be specific about what you want and to give some relatively bland information about yourself (live in England, have .. children, work in this field). A lot of people are more likely to respond if you give something. It's also not unusual, as was said upthread, for a reply to take months.

Yes, found my sperm donor, thought it went well, to never hear from him again.
It stung, but when I look back, the signs were there.
Just don't expect much and you won't be disappointed. Agree with pp that it's very possible he hasn't seen the email.

Sorry, he wasn't an actual sperm donor, but he may as well have been. And it's my pretty revenge to call him that.

Thank you so much for all your replies. Getting other peoples viewpoints & experiences has been amazing. Yes I was prepared for not getting a reply, but it was still a hard thinking he was in my life for 5 years but now isn't interested in sending one message. I said in my email I had some wonderful memories of him going trick & treating etc, that I didn't know if he would be interested in hearing from me, and if he didn't want to reply I would understand, but that I would love to get just one message to see if he remembers me. Its just the total blanking that is hard. If his current partner doesnt know about me I wouldnt want to rock the boat at his age, but he could have just sent one message explaining that & I would have understood &kept it in confidence. Re sending a facebook message, I was thinking of doing a chat style message on his business facebook page, rather than the normal style message which people often don't see. Though maybe if he doesnt visit his page anymore as he doesnt seem to do business anymore ..

I honestly think that a handwritten letter posted by air mail is preferable to any kind of electronic communication, especially for a 77 year old

If you send an FB message and get no reply then you will never know if he read it or not. The other thing is that if someone else manages his business for him then there is a risk of someone else (his spouse or one of his other children) reading it first which may cause unnecessary drama.

The only way to be 100% sure he will receive it and read it is via a letter

So they were married, he was in the US army based in Germany but they were planning to move to the UK? Did he leave the army then ( or say he had) ? Not sure he could have been stationed over here at that time.
Lots of British regiments had a US detachment, especially if they had nuclear warheads (eg %0 Missile Regt in Menden, which had Lance). %0 has disbanded but I was there 35 years ago and it was more than 10 years old then.

JUST RING HIM.
Rather than tying yourself in know wondering if he's seen your email / FB message, just ring him.