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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Creepy Waiter

34 replies

RestingRhubard · 13/02/2019 11:07

During a long road trip I stopped off with my 4yo daughter for dinner at a family run rest stop type café/restaurant we’ve been to many times before. My daughter is almost 5 and a very gregarious child who talks to everyone she meets. She also is very tall for her age so could easily be mistaken for 6 or 7 and as a result adults often expect quite a lot from her conversationally and behaviourally.

She’d been chatting away to a man on his own who was waiting for his takeaway and he while being very nice to her and polite was clearly a bit uncomfortable and kept addressing me instead of her and almost looking to me for reassurance that it was ok to talk to her. I think he handled it really well and I was more than happy for them to be talking.
A bit later we were sitting at our table and I noticed one of the waiters kept looking over and smiling at her, to begin with I was proud as she’d clearly made a bit of an impression on a few of the staff as it was quiet and she’d been pretty funny.
When he brought the food over though he didn’t acknowledge me at all and said directly to her “do you know you are really beautiful?” She was looking at a game she was playing on my phone at the time and didn’t look up or respond and so he said it again. I got her attention and said “the man is talking to you” he said it again and she just stared at him so I made her say thank you.
I was uncomfortable for a few reasons:
I didn’t like his tone or the look on his face, I’ve seen it before in my 35 years on this planet as a woman
It’s one thing to compliment a child on their behaviour or something but I found his word choice “beautiful” inappropriate
I made her acknowledge him and thank him for a compliment that made me uncomfortable

Later on he came back and brought her a slice of cake I hadn’t ordered for free and (again not acknowledging me at all) told her it’s their secret and not to tell mum.

I feel like I witnessed the first time my daughter was noticed by a creep.

AIBU or is it impossible for a man in his 50s to talk to a little girl anymore?

Also did I let her down by making her thank him when I thought he was being a creep?
I’m a single mum but my her father who has an active role in her life thinks I should complain to the restaurant.

OP posts:

TortoiseLettuce · 13/02/2019 11:11

I wouldn’t have made her thank him. I’d just have smiled and said breezily Oh she’s really engrossed in her game!

Definitely complain to the restaurant. The cake was weird and he should have asked you first. What if she had an egg allergy or something?

Nickpan · 13/02/2019 11:13

I gotta bad feeling about this!

PutyourtoponTrevor · 13/02/2019 11:13

Gross, can't believe you made her thank him when you were (rightly so) very uncomfortable.

All very weird

Buddyelf · 13/02/2019 11:16

YNBU - You can't help the way that you feel. He made you uncomfortable and honestly as a mother of 2 daughters myself, i think I would have felt uneasy at this interaction myself.

'told her it’s their secret and not to tell mum.'
I take serious issue with this. This is not OK to say. I have discussions with my girls about things like this, they are never to let anyone tell them they can't tell me things.

EyeOfTheTigger · 13/02/2019 11:17

I think this is a tricky one because the waiter could have witnessed the earlier interaction your DD was having with the other male customer, and the fact you were fully aware and not discouraging it. I agree his comments were inappropriate (mentioning her looks, and a secret to keep from mum), but your earlier complicity makes it harder to complain.

Personally I think it would be wise to teach your DD some boundaries. It's great that she's a very confident and gregarious little girl, but letting her chat to strangers, whether male or female, requires a little caution. You mention that the waiter made you feel uncomfortable, but you don't seem bothered that your DD's chit chat made the other male customer feel uncomfortable.

LilaJude · 13/02/2019 11:21

got her attention and said “the man is talking to you” he said it again and she just stared at him so I made her say thank you.

I don’t think you should have made her interact with / thank a man who was making you uncomfortable. No harm has come from it this time, but too many girls are taught that they have to be polite to men who make them uncomfortable. I think you should be setting an example to your daughter that it’s ok to tell men who are making you uncomfortable that you don’t think their behaviour is appropriate and you want them to stop.

Don’t beat yourself up though - it’s hard, and no harm has come of this.

Whattodonut · 13/02/2019 11:29

I've had similar before with adults in restaurants when I'm with my DD. Some just seem to latch on and want to talk to her not me. I'm fine with those who talk to me and her but I've had to stop a few people who have told her things like "come here. I've got a present for you" . It sounds super creepy I know. But I know that the majority of them aren't being creepy they just like kids.
Addressing them directly by saying - I'm teaching her not to take gifts from strangers or similar usually makes them realise they've over stepped a line.
And I'm teaching DD to say - i don't keep secrets from my mum. And tell them to ask me before she can accept anything (i always say no. It's usually money)

The compliment one is difficult isnt it. You don't want to be rude. But he sounded very creepy in how he phrased it.
I wouldn't have drawn her attention to it if she was distracted. But I don't think you did any harm.
The cake thing would have been a total no. I hate that. He should have asked you first if it was ok.

MadeleineMaxwell · 13/02/2019 11:47

your earlier complicity makes it harder to complain

Well, that sets my teeth on edge. Talking to one man does not mean you have to talk to another one. No man is entitled to your or your DDs attention. It's ultimately the same logic that rapists use.

OP, it's a toughie. You obviously felt creeped out for a reason and I would trust that gut feeling. Complaining to the restaurant might be a bit OTT, you could also just not go there again - whichever feels right to you. A conversation with your DD about boundaries might be in order, too.

Original poster

RestingRhubard · 13/02/2019 11:47

the part about the other man being uncomfortable is totally revelant, I did reign her in once I felt she'd talked to him "long enough"

OP posts:

Damntheman · 13/02/2019 11:48

I take serious issue with this. This is not OK to say. I have discussions with my girls about things like this, they are never to let anyone tell them they can't tell me things.

This exactly this. Wildly inappropriate thing to say to a child, even in jest! This whole thing wigs me out something awful.

When complimenting a person (particularly a woman or girl), effort should be made to compliment something that person can affect or change. "You work so hard, I've noticed!" or "I love how artfully you have done your hair." Not beauty, never beauty, she is more than her looks and should know it. I would not have made her interact with him personally but understand you were in a place of discomfort and unease. Don't beat yourself up about it!

userschmoozer · 13/02/2019 11:50

I think your father is right. His comments were out of order, and people should not tell children to keep secrets from their parents.

And yes, next time an adult demands her attention with inappropriate behaviour, don't force her to acknowledge them.

Badtasteflump · 13/02/2019 11:51

I don’t think you should have made her interact with / thank a man who was making you uncomfortable

Exactly this. And it seems your DD felt uncomfortable too if she's usually very sociable but went quiet on him.

But I've been guilty of being 'polite' to a creep who didn't deserve it before, just because I don't like being rude to people - it's hard, even when somebody doesn't deserve politeness!

Maybe have a quick chat with DD, in a casual way, to say you didn't really like the way the man spoke to her, it's not appropriate, and you're now wishing you'd handled it differently - just so she gets the message that his behaviour wasn't ok.

LittleMissPonsible · 13/02/2019 11:52

I would have a think about allowing your daughter to chat away to someone who, as you said, feels uncomfortable about being spoken to by her. I might be way off, but I wonder if the waiter noticed this interaction and decided that your daughter was “an easy mark” and you were permissive in how your daughter deals with strangers.

Of course it’s excellent that your daughter is so confident and charming, but she is going to need to build the skills to balance this with staying out of danger. Until she develops her own sense of what is appropriate from others you will have to do this for her, by modelling how to extract her from unwanted attention.

LittleMissPonsible · 13/02/2019 11:56

Also, I would try not to best yourself up about this OP. The waiter shouldn’t have behaved like that, you’d be within your rights to complain, especially about the “it’s our secret from mummy” bit.

You’re reflecting on this and you’ll handle it differently if it happens again I’m sure. No lasting damage has been done.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 13/02/2019 12:00

I did reign her in once I felt she'd talked to him "long enough"

What about the other person who might just have wanted to be left in peace from the outset?

Confusedbeetle · 13/02/2019 12:03

He may just be an idiot. This is a good opportunity for you to have the conversation with your daughter that no one should ever ask her to keep a secret from you. You might also think about whether she is old enough to understand that while it is ok to talk to strangers when she is with you, generally it is not good to chat to unknown people as not all are good people.
She will see you politely but firmly rebuffing unwanted attention she will be fine

Nickpan · 13/02/2019 12:06

I think you were right to encourage her to thank him, you can't alienate or be rude to someone who's serving you, just because they're weird.
And you were VERY right to be on your guard

Deadringer · 13/02/2019 12:06

I think it's weird that you were proud that that your dd had made an impression on some of the staff tbh. It also sounds to me that the man, the customer, didn't want to chat to your DD as he kept addressing you. I personally hate when children talk to me while I am having a bit of alone time, I don't mind a cheery hello but after that I would look to the parent to engage with her child herself and let me be. It feels to me that you were performance parenting though your DD, I wasn't there so I could be way off the mark but it's possible that the waiter responded to that and made a fuss of your DD. Or of course he could be a total creep.

Grace212 · 13/02/2019 12:14

waiter is a creep and I would report for sure, so many things wrong with that interaction.

re the first man, don't let your DC waffle on at people who are clearly uncomfortable with it. It's not really on to say to a little child "stop talking to me" and lord knows you'd get an earful if you asked the parent to stop them. So next time, read the signs - it is very annoying, just as annoying as a strange adult waffling on at you!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 13/02/2019 12:22

Quite apart from the waiter, if the first man was looking at you and apparently uncomfortable, maybe he wasn't worried about being thought a perve. Maybe he just didn't want to be bothered by someone else's child and was hoping you'd call her away. If he was polite and pleasant, maybe he just didn't like to tell her to go away.

I dare say it may sound harsh, but not everyone is going to be remotely interested in your child, no matter how delightful and funny you think she is.

Meandmetoo · 13/02/2019 12:23

I think I'd be more wary of the other man who wouldn't speak to your DD directly while you were there and clearly fine with it and looking for reassurance tbh.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/02/2019 12:26

It was unnecessary to make your dd thank him. She shouldn’t be registering beauty as a desirable attribute especially at 4. You could have done this yourself.

Next time someone says about it being a secret, turn to your dd and say “that’s very nice of the man to give you a piece of cake but we all know that’s silly, we don’t keep secrets from our mummies and daddies” and thank him for the piece of cake.

Normally we should be respectful of waiting staff. But your responsibility in this situation was to block him.

And yes, you need to take cues from people more seriously. If the man waiting to pay for his food didn’t want to interact, you should have stopped the conversation sooner.

It is your job as a mum to teach boundaries in both instances.

Original poster

RestingRhubard · 13/02/2019 12:26

Points taken about her talking to the first man, it didn't go on very long and I totally get it that some people (myself included at times)don't want to be spoken to by anyone at all far less a child. I will be more mindful of it in the future. I also don't want to discourage her confidence and friendliness (while also being aware that it needs to be within boundaries and she can't trust everyone) though. I'm the kind of person who talks to (appropriate) strangers myself and while it's a life skill to determine who you're wasting your time on I'd rather engage with people than ignore them in general. We're country folk and things are a bit different in that respect to say daily commutes in the city. Again, that's reason to prepare my daughter for future interactions especially if she's going to be going to a city on her own at some point.

I'm not sure how to respond directly to comments but to the person who thinks it's weird I was proud of her and that I was performance parenting: I'm not certain of what performance parenting is but I maintain my pride in how polite and friendly she was to some of the other people present. It's nice to see people engaging and there was a nice atmosphere. Creepy waiter was not part of that and I don't know if he was observing, he possibly was. That's why I'm wondering AIBU, he could have just been, in his opinion, joining in with the fun and unfortunately hit way off the mark.... I couldn't shake the creepiness though.

OP posts:

Yabbers · 13/02/2019 12:31

'told her it’s their secret and not to tell mum
But, you were right there, yes?

I can’t see what the issue was, other than you’re absolutely fine with people engaging with your daughter as long as you haven’t branded them as creepy.

sprouts21 · 13/02/2019 12:32

Unfortunately as she gets older she's going to be noticed by more and more creeps. It's really important that you teach her to be safe with strangers.

I think Littlemiss is right, he had seen the earlier interaction and decided she was an easy mark.

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