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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to complain when my husband types memos into his phone at 1:22 in bed

26 replies

MaOverall · 12/02/2019 19:19

My husband of 20 years thinks it's acceptable to light up the bedroom in the early hours of the morning and type memos into his phone, waking me up. I say he is awake and should go elsewhere to do it.

OP posts:
MNHQ
AnyaMumsnet · 13/02/2019 09:54

Hi there OP,

We hope you don't mind, we're going to move this thread to AIBU for you now - it looks like you meant to post it there.

NutElla5x · 13/02/2019 10:25

You're obviously quite a light sleeper if the light from a phone will wake you. But that's not your fault,so of course he is being unreasonable and selfish if he's disturbing your sleep.Make him sleep in the spare room or on the couch if he continues.

RestingBitchFaced · 13/02/2019 10:39

Very unreasonable - he knows it wakes you up, and disturbes you,but doesn't give a shit and does it anyway. Selfish

UbbesPonytail · 13/02/2019 10:44

I’m a really heavy sleeper, DH will wake up if he hears a mouse sneeze. As the heavy sleeper, and a weird night owl-morning lark hybrid, it’s down to me to be considerate and not disturb his sleep.

ToniHargis · 13/02/2019 10:50

I'm a very light sleeper and this would wake me up. Either suggest

  1. he gets up and leaves the room
  2. he sleeps in another room
  3. you sleep in another room
or - wear a sleep mask. I often do this when the sun rises really early. You can buy really soft ones and you do get used to it. However, if he doesn't care that this is a problem for you, you need to have a different kind of chat.
HollowTalk · 13/02/2019 10:51

Does he wake up with something on his mind or is he unable to sleep and is trying to offload things?

Bambamber · 13/02/2019 10:51

If you are a light enough sleeper that a phone light wakes you, surely him leaving the room will also wake you?

StopMakingAFoolOutofMe · 13/02/2019 10:52

I couldn't be with someone who didn't let me use my phone at night when I wake with various pains or complaints. Get a sleep mask if a tiny 6" phone light wakes you.

Sirzy · 13/02/2019 10:52

Can he dim the background light on his phone.

If he had woken with a thought I can understand wanting to note it down quickly and without getting up so he can hopefully get back to sleep quickly.

ChakiraChakra · 13/02/2019 10:54

Have your told him?

"Oh hey, when you do that you wake me up and I get a disturbed nights sleep. Is it something that's important enough (to give me a disturbed nights sleep) to need to make a note of right now or could you trust that you'll remember it in the morning? If you DO need to write it down, can you find a way to do it without disturbing me?"

LaurieMarlow · 13/02/2019 10:58

Ask him to turn the brightness way down and put the phone on night mode. That shouldn’t disturb you.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 13/02/2019 11:27

I'd be furious if my DP did this, I'm a very light sleeper and he isn't but it takes him ages to get to sleep and he wakes really early. He'll opt to sleep in another bedroom a few times a week so I get a decent kip and he can dick around on his phone, or whatever without annoying me

Froggyface · 13/02/2019 11:29

Is he really stressed? I do it when I am worried about things and not remembering them for work.

BeanTownNancy · 13/02/2019 11:41

If I woke up and remembered something I needed to do, I wouldn't be able to sleep properly for the whole night if I didn't note it down. If I got out of bed and walked to another room to do it I'd be 1) more likely to wake my husband and 2) considerably more awake than after just the 20 seconds of phone usage so it would take me much longer to go back to sleep.

I don't think either of you is unreasonable in your preferences at this point, but you need to talk through it reasonably and reach a compromise. Maybe he could do it under a pillow or turn the brightness down - maybe you could wear an eye mask if you are that sensitive to light?

bingoitsadingo · 13/02/2019 11:46

He needs to turn the brightness right down. Surely that would be less disturbing than him getting up and going elsewhere, then coming back?

If I need to use my phone in bed to set a reminder I generally find myself hanging off the edge of the bed to do it, so the light is pointing down at the floor not into my partners face. Because I'm not an inconsiderate twat.

DoJo · 13/02/2019 12:01

I would have thought that getting up would be more disturbing than writing a note, but there must be some compromise between him not being allowed to note down his thoughts and you having a disturbed night's sleep.

Original poster
MaOverall · 22/02/2019 06:59

Loads of replies. Thanks ! We have fallen out about it before. He knows it wakes me up and last time he even had the clicking on. I did ask him to go elsewhere as he was already awake. He shouted "bloody marvellous". I slept in my sons bed to avoid an argument and to get some sleep as after the initial "words" he had another pop at it under the covers.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaOverall · 22/02/2019 07:05

Sorry for my delayed response in this. New to mumsnet esp chats. But replies have been really useful and interesting ....

OP posts:
burritofan · 22/02/2019 07:16

The fact he even leaves the keyboard clicks on is unbelievable!

I disagree that you have to be a light sleeper for this to wake you, or that leaving the room is more disturbing. Different things wake different people. I wouldn't notice DP getting up to wee; I would notice him flashing his phone around like a torch. (Phones aren't tiny lights! They brighten up the whole room!)

For now, get a sleep mask. But have a proper conversation about his arseholeness – just not in the middle of the night. Ideally no one should have their phone in their bedroom, it's awful for sleep – but I think that Pandora's box has sailed.

EvaHarknessRose · 22/02/2019 07:58

He is Very unreasonable.

CoolJule43 · 22/02/2019 09:07

I think you would be being unreasonable if this was a one-off or if it was occasional due to him suddenly remembering something that he really needed to write. However, this sounds like a regular occurrence so I don't think you are being unreasonable. He is.

I would be worried about his not getting enough sleep, his stress levels over work and his inconsideration towards you. Is he really worried about his job or just a workaholic?

I'd go and sleep on the sofa every time and hope he missed me being in bed with him.

PatrickMerricksGoshawk · 22/02/2019 09:18

Can't he write his notes using pen and paper instead of his phone?

R3ALLY · 22/02/2019 10:56

I’m a really light sleeper, especially since having kids and this would ruin my night. Actually I’d rather separate bedrooms but that’s a whole other thread ...

DontCallMeCharlotte · 22/02/2019 11:02

Is he really really really important?

Are these work notes or is he a "creative" and has just dreamt the lyrics to the next Bohemian Rhapsody?

PhilomenaButterfly · 22/02/2019 11:12

YANBU. I hope he at least turns the sound off.

DH will not send DS 7 back to bed when he wakes up at 5, he started a conversation with him about the fucking heating being off this morning and told him to put a top on if he was cold (he wasn't), then half an hour later came in and said "Phil, Phil, are you awake?" and proceeded to tell me what he'd already told DS. Then came in again half an hour later to ask me what time my aunt was bringing DD back. I pretended to be asleep. ðŸ˜