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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not feel safe around my partner...

40 replies

Graanabelle · 12/02/2019 12:31

... even though he's never hit me before? He's just an aggressive person. I want to leave him but I'm scared of him. I want to text him to tell him I need space then finalise things from a distance because I know how badly he reacts to things, but feel that is unfair.

If I tell him I'm scared of him, he will laugh at me. He doesn't have the capacity to see why I feel scared even though he's never touched me. It's a 'walking on eggshells' relationship. I'm always on edge. Now we have a baby it is even worse.

Has anyone any experience of this? Sorry to post again. I'm in such a shitty position and the more I post the more confident I get that I'm doing the right thing

OP posts:
NabooThatsWho · 12/02/2019 12:35

‘. I want to text him to tell him I need space then finalise things from a distance because I know how badly he reacts to things, but feel that is unfair.’

It’s not unfair. At all. You and your babies safety is the priority.

You know he reacts with anger, so get out and deal with him from a distance. It’s his choice to be angry and to scare you. And it’s your choice to stop putting up with it.

YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

He is emotionally abusive.

Do you have somewhere to go?

Original poster
Graanabelle · 12/02/2019 12:37

@NabooThatsWho I do. I'm going to my friend's house. Just feels so wrong sending a text.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 12/02/2019 12:41

Do it by text.

Doesn't matter if it's 'not fair'. Keeping safe is more important.

NabooThatsWho · 12/02/2019 12:53

Why do you feel it is wrong?

You don’t owe him anything. You are scared of him due to his own actions towards you.

Do not feel guilty. He should be the one feeling guilty about his own behaviour but he won’t because he’s a horrible bully.

He will probably try to guilt you and manipulate you into going back with him. Please don’t fall for his games.

Stay safe Flowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/02/2019 13:00

If you're scared of him, definitely do it by text, when you are at your friend's house. Don't do this alone.

Tell him the reason why you're doing this by text: because you're scared of how he will react. Don't tell him where you are either, you don't want him charging over and banging on the door.

Good luck! Keep us posted. You are definitely doing the right thing.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/02/2019 13:14

It only feels wrong because he has taught you to put his feelings ahead of your own.

Recognise that and do what is best and safest for you and your child.

Original poster
Graanabelle · 12/02/2019 13:15

I don't know whether to wait until he's home from work or text him whilst he's there... I don't know that I can wait until 5:30. I just want it over with.

OP posts:
gottastopeatingchocolate · 12/02/2019 13:15

I have.

Yes, it feels horrible. But it is the only safe option.

Contacts Women's Aid or a local agency that supports survivors of Domestic Abuse. That is what it is whether there is physical violence or not.

Whattodonut · 12/02/2019 13:17

Go. Pack now and go. If you feel unsafe then you need to get out first.
Worry about texting later. Get yourself out the house. Then text whenever. What you've said is fine. He should be concerned that he is scaring you, not laughing about it.

Original poster
Graanabelle · 12/02/2019 13:21

I'm already out of the house thankfully.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/02/2019 13:21

STOP IT!

You are still putting him before your child!

Get yourself and your child out, in with some support and text him when you feel calm enough. If that is just as your friend's car door closes, taking you to her house then do it!

You can spend the rest of your life working to your own schedule!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/02/2019 13:21

Sorry, cross posted.

But the main point remains - do it when YOU want to!

Fairenuff · 12/02/2019 13:22

Have you got everything you need from the house?

gottastopeatingchocolate · 12/02/2019 13:23

Sorry - also want to add -

If you haven't left already, go on the assumption that you may never set foot back there. Take eveything essential - passports, certificates, financial paperwork, etc.

Fairenuff · 12/02/2019 13:25

OP has already left the house. It's in her post above ^^

Original poster
Graanabelle · 12/02/2019 13:26

I haven't got anything like that with me but I can go back when he is at work.

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 12/02/2019 13:31

I would get everything you need in one go so you don’t have to go back. If he’s at work until tonight, go this afternoon x

Original poster
Graanabelle · 12/02/2019 13:33

I can't go today. I dont have my car and nobody immediately to help me.

OP posts:
Lightofday · 12/02/2019 13:34

If you go back, make sure you take a friend of family member (or even police escort) Don't go alone, even if you think he is out.

Fairenuff · 12/02/2019 13:34

Yes get everything you need whilst he's at work. At least the essentials. If you can, get your friend to help you.

Is it his house or jointly owned/rented?

Original poster
Graanabelle · 12/02/2019 13:34

It's jointly owned.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 12/02/2019 13:34

Can you get a taxi?

gottastopeatingchocolate · 12/02/2019 13:35

If he doesn't know you have left yet, then go back while he is at work and take the essentials.

If he does know, don't go, unless you can be 100% sure it is safe.

Original poster
Graanabelle · 12/02/2019 13:43

What do I even sat?

OP posts:
Original poster
Graanabelle · 12/02/2019 13:43

Say

OP posts:
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