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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not feel safe around my partner...

40 replies

Graanabelle · 12/02/2019 12:31

... even though he's never hit me before? He's just an aggressive person. I want to leave him but I'm scared of him. I want to text him to tell him I need space then finalise things from a distance because I know how badly he reacts to things, but feel that is unfair.

If I tell him I'm scared of him, he will laugh at me. He doesn't have the capacity to see why I feel scared even though he's never touched me. It's a 'walking on eggshells' relationship. I'm always on edge. Now we have a baby it is even worse.

Has anyone any experience of this? Sorry to post again. I'm in such a shitty position and the more I post the more confident I get that I'm doing the right thing

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 12/02/2019 13:46

Don't tell him yet. Make sure you have your belongings, or the means of getting them safely and that you and your child have a place to stay.

BitOfANameChange · 12/02/2019 13:58

OP, I left someone a couple of years ago after a very long time together. He scared me, still does actually. He's never hit me (not going into sexual stuff) but was and is very intimidating. I sent an email once I had left, there's no way I could have handled his anger if I'd told him face to face.

I felt like you, but eventually I left in secret, with the DCs. We've never looked back and the DCs (mid teens) have had no contact with him since, by their own choice.

Make sure you have important documents like passports, birth certificates, etc (copies of his finance if possible, for that child support claim). I see you have somewhere to stay, and I'm glad. Once you have some space, you can sort out the rest.

The Relationship board on here can be a good place for advice, there are people on there who can signpost you to support, etc.

Good luck. And don't go back to collect stuff until he's either out of the house, or you have someone with you.

Lightofday · 12/02/2019 14:07

Also, change any online passwords you have just incase and make sure to take any of your money out of joint accounts before leaving. Might be wise to consider who is paying the bills on the place atm too if you joint own? Maybe at least take a copy of the account details for electruc, council tax ect… (or even cancelling your payments with them if you are definitely not going back). No point in you paying his bills afterall.

IvanaPee · 12/02/2019 14:11

You need to pack everything first.

You have someone to stay?
Get your belongings and passport etc. then text him.

The thing is, a text might piss him off.

A face-to-face might land you in hospital.

He’s aggressive. He hasn’t hit you...yet. But if you’re afraid of him it’s for a reason!

Is there no way for you to get your belongings today? Not a taxi?

Original poster

Graanabelle · 12/02/2019 14:15

@IvanaPee I'm the other side of the country :(

OP posts:

Dinnaehinksae · 12/02/2019 14:16

Please contact woman's aid, I went into a refuge with my children even though he hadn't hit me. Like you I was scared, terrified actually and it wasn't till someone asked if I was scared that I realised it wasn't normal. Woman's aid were instrumental in supporting me to get out and I haven't looked back since.

RoboticSealpup · 12/02/2019 14:18

You don't have to justify it or explain to him until you're blue in the face. He'll just manipulate you into thinking you're being unreasonable. You no longer want to be with him because of his behaviour towards you. Don't engage too much because he'll pull you back in with empty promises and be on his best behaviour until he can't keep it up anymore and returns to his old ways.

I've seen this so many times. I have a friend who left her emotionally abusive partner for eight months, telling everyone he was a sociopath. Showed me his horrible text messages. Then suddenly she went back, married him and got pregnant. After spending one day together. She's not happy not because he's gone back to his old ways but she's more stuck than ever.

RoboticSealpup · 12/02/2019 14:19

*She's not happy now

IvanaPee · 12/02/2019 14:25

Don’t worry about it!

When get you get back to gather your belongings?

Fairenuff · 12/02/2019 14:27

How long can you stay with your friend? Do you have any male friends/relatives that would accompany you to get your stuff.

I fear once you tell him he will destroy all your belongings, take all the joint money and change the locks. It would be better to get some things sorted before you tell him.

But don't go back there unless you have back up. You're out now, no point going back.

Original poster

Graanabelle · 12/02/2019 14:28

@Fairenuff we don't have joint money thankfully. I don't think he will destroy my things. I hope not...

OP posts:

PBo83 · 12/02/2019 14:32

I fear once you tell him he will destroy all your belongings, take all the joint money and change the locks. It would be better to get some things sorted before you tell him.

I don't think fear-mongering helps.

Fairenuff · 12/02/2019 14:36

OP says he is an aggressive person. She is scared of him. It's perfectly reasonable to prepare her for the fact that he might destroy her belongings.

Missingstreetlife · 12/02/2019 14:49

The main thing is to be safe.

Whattodonut · 12/02/2019 15:07

Maybe just say for now you've gone to visit friends and need some space. Don't hint you're leaving for good until you have everything out of the house

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