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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not buy gifts for DH’s family?

43 replies

TortoiseLettuce · 12/02/2019 12:16

DH has a habit of failing to buy gifts then asking me to sort it at the last minute. I’ll remind him repeatedly for weeks to order something online, then the day before he’ll beg me to go to the shops and try to find something suitable. So I end up trailing round the shops and buying whatever random thing looks vaguely suitable.

I’ve told him I’m not doing it any more. Nobody has had a birthday or Xmas card in the past six months. Four people have sent our family Xmas
gifts of between £10 and £100, and two of them have subsequently sent birthday gifts for DS as well, and included handwritten cards about what’s happening in their lives. NONE of these people have received so much as a thank you card (and the gifts were posted so they weren’t thanked in person either).

Immediate family did receive Xmas gifts - the same gifts I picked out in October and DH said he didn’t like my choices, but then he ordered them at the last minute in December and paid more (which we couldn’t afford) plus the cost of 24hr delivery and panic about them not turning up.

It’s getting a bit late now to send thanks and belated Xmas gifts. I’m so angry and embarrassed but don’t see why I should sort this out? To clarify, I buy for my family and DH doesn’t even know what “we” gave them. He doesn’t even know what our DS is getting for his birthday because I’ve bought his gifts and DH hasn’t bothered to check that I’ve actually bought something.

AIBU to just continue to ignore this situation? Or should I be stepping in to thank these people and send token gifts?

OP posts:
HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 12/02/2019 12:19

Absolutely you are not to step in - it's his problem. Women have had to carry these men for too long - his family will have to lump it. YANBU

Geminijes · 12/02/2019 12:19

Personally, I would feel embarrassed not to thank any one who has bought gifts for a member of my immediate family.
I think it's bad manners not to thank them and reflects badly on you as well as your husband.

MumW · 12/02/2019 12:22

YANBU to leave present buying up to your DH but I think YABU not to organise thank you cards/emails from your DS.

Soubriquet · 12/02/2019 12:22

I would be mortified to be honest

I would thank the person who sent you/ds a gift, but obviously dh has to thank them himself

And whilst I would feel awful not buying anything, I would still stand firm. He will learn eventually

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 12/02/2019 12:23

Yes but I don't know why it is OPs problem that thank you cards haven't been sent? It's his family.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/02/2019 12:32

It's OPs family by marriage as well. In any partnership surely one partner does what they are good at the other partner does the things they are good at regardless of all this its his family or her family.

Original poster
TortoiseLettuce · 12/02/2019 12:33

Yes it does reflect badly on me. That’s the problem. Imo DH should be thanking his family for sending gifts for his son and buying them gifts in return. My question is whether I should have to do it as he’s clearly too lazy to do it himself? It’s now two months after Xmas and I feel increasingly embarrassed.

The great aunt who sent £100 has been texting me for the past fortnight asking when DH will visit her to collect DS’s birthday gift. I keep saying I don’t know but I’ll pass the message on to him. Then he continues to do nothing about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TortoiseLettuce · 12/02/2019 12:36

It's OPs family by marriage as well

He doesn’t give a crap about gifts for my family so why should I sort his out? And when I do suggest gifts he doesn’t like my choices and insists he wants to organise it himself. But then he fails to do it. He didn’t even ensure that his own son had birthday gifts - I’ve done that.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 12/02/2019 12:38

I would do the thanking unless gifts just to dh. I would stand firm on the buying!! And make sure they all knew that ball was in dhs court.

IWantChocolates · 12/02/2019 12:38

I think sending a thank you can be done by anyone, so YABU not to send any to DH's family.

However, YANBU not to buy them presents; he needs to do this. I buy presents for my family but DH doesn't for his and, to be fair, they don't buy for us either. When we first dated I bought them presents but it seems not to be expected so if he wants to buy them presents he can. I love buying my family presents and wouldn't expect him to do it.

ClarabellaCTL · 12/02/2019 12:39

YANBU. He should sort out gifts and thank-yous for his side of the family. How old is your DS? I think if your DH is failing to teach DS that thank-yous are important then maybe you could nudge your DS to write a little note himself? After birthdays/xmas we write a list of thank-yous to be done and DS works through it with some prompting (he's 9). No way should you have to be sorting out gifts though.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/02/2019 12:40

It's not just about gifts its about being a partnership though. Does he have other strengths, bring things to the partnership that you don't? Or does he sit back and let you do everything.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 12/02/2019 12:42

HOLD FAST! DO NOT RENEGE! Just don't do anything for his family anymore. YANBU

Babdoc · 12/02/2019 12:45

It’s high time that DH took responsibility for his repeated failures on the present and card giving front. You are absolutely right to dump this “wife work” where it belongs, on his shoulders.
Too many women keep bailing out their partners by doing it all for them, while seething with resentment.
It’s his relatives, his problem. If they ask you why they got nothing for Xmas, simply refer them to DH. He can either get his act together or accept the anger and disappointment from his family.
Not your circus, monkeys etc....

Drum2018 · 12/02/2019 12:45

I would remind Dh to send a text to thank the people for the gifts as they arrive, or if your child is old enough he could text himself, or write a thank you note. I think you are perfectly entitled to stop buying gifts for his family. You married him, not his family. Did he buy gifts for them before you came along to do it for him? If so then he's well capable and if not then you shouldn't have started up that tradition of exchanging gifts at all.

Bluelady · 12/02/2019 12:45

The thanking should be done by A parent, regardless of whose family the gift is from.There's no way I wouldn't organise a thank you for a gift. It's just rude.

Buying presents is another thing. He's being really stupid abput this. Either he accepts your help, agrees that you do it and reciprocates by taking over one of your tasks for you, or he does it and does it properly. He'd drive me mad.

Bluelady · 12/02/2019 12:47

Sorry for all the typos!

Original poster
TortoiseLettuce · 12/02/2019 12:55

DS isn’t even 1 yet. Yes DH bought gifts for his family before we married. I’m not sure if it was a last minute affair but he did do it.

I will organise thank you cards but I’m not buying gifts.

OP posts:
Penguincake · 12/02/2019 15:52

I am having a similar stand-off with my DH. His mother texts me to arrange meet ups etc. She has always been vile to me and although I am pleasant to her face I made it clear to DH that if MIL wants to see DGS then he has to arrange it.
She texted me a week ago about meeting at half term. I forwarded it to DH and I responded to her saying to sort it out with DH. I have explained to DH 3 times that I am not organising a meet up but it still stresses me out that he has not contacted her. I don’t even care about her, I just hate the bad manners.

TowelNumber42 · 12/02/2019 15:59

Don't send thank you cards! Slippery slope. Send thank you text messages at most (it's the thought that counts anyway).

Hi Person, just dropping you a quick note to say thanks for Baby's present. DH hasn't got round to sending the thank you cards yet and I wanted to make sure you know we do appreciate your gift. x

PurpleCrazyHorse · 12/02/2019 16:07

DH sorts his family out for gifts and cards, not even sure if he sends cards TBH. I do send to an aunt and uncle of his who I know really well and really like and also to his late grandfather's 'lady friend' who doesn't have much family and I do that for her rather than DH iykwim. I might mention a gift idea if I have a good one, but it's his call.

However, I do send thank you cards to both sides of the family using TouchNote. Super easy and quick now everyone's address is in there.

HeathRobinson · 12/02/2019 16:08

Pass dh's number onto the great-aunt?

thecatsthecats · 12/02/2019 16:13

sweeneytoddsrazor - ok, what if neither person is good at getting gifts? Or if there's a really big task that one person is better at, but the volume is overwhelming?

OR, if there's one task that requires the particular knowledge of the people who it's being performed for, that might be fairest split along those lines?

When it came to wedding planning, I organise events, manage event budgets and know all the tricks of the trade. Frankly, I'd have done a better job of all of the planning. Quicker and cheaper too. But then I'd have had to do ALL of the work! So we split it, because my husband is an adult with a professional job, and is equally capable of DOING SOMETHING THAT TAKES MINIMAL EFFORT BEYOND GIVING A SHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE!

BlueMerchant · 12/02/2019 16:29

My OH is the same. Present buying for my family and his-all left to me and he never sends a thank you for gifts we receive even if we see the person soon after the event we received the gift for it never enters his head to say a thank you. On many occasions I've been so embarrassed that I've thanked them myself for his birthday gift while he looks on! Its very frustrating. He is like this with his own family as well as mine.

Delatron · 12/02/2019 16:33

I’ve handed this back over to DH this year! I was sick of reminding him, him still forgetting then me running around at the last minute.

Went cold turkey. He messed up the nieces and nephews Christmas presents. Think he forgot his Dad’s birthday last week. I will not give in. What did they do before they met us? It’s just shitty wife work and they can have it back!