AIBU to not buy gifts for DH’s family?

[TortoiseLettuce]

DH has a habit of failing to buy gifts then asking me to sort it at the last minute. I’ll remind him repeatedly for weeks to order something online, then the day before he’ll beg me to go to the shops and try to find something suitable. So I end up trailing round the shops and buying whatever random thing looks vaguely suitable.

I’ve told him I’m not doing it any more. Nobody has had a birthday or Xmas card in the past six months. Four people have sent our family Xmas
gifts of between £10 and £100, and two of them have subsequently sent birthday gifts for DS as well, and included handwritten cards about what’s happening in their lives. NONE of these people have received so much as a thank you card (and the gifts were posted so they weren’t thanked in person either).

Immediate family did receive Xmas gifts - the same gifts I picked out in October and DH said he didn’t like my choices, but then he ordered them at the last minute in December and paid more (which we couldn’t afford) plus the cost of 24hr delivery and panic about them not turning up.

It’s getting a bit late now to send thanks and belated Xmas gifts. I’m so angry and embarrassed but don’t see why I should sort this out? To clarify, I buy for my family and DH doesn’t even know what “we” gave them. He doesn’t even know what our DS is getting for his birthday because I’ve bought his gifts and DH hasn’t bothered to check that I’ve actually bought something.

AIBU to just continue to ignore this situation? Or should I be stepping in to thank these people and send token gifts?

YANBU. I had a member of DHs family berating us for not doing a thank you card and simply told her that DH couldn't be bothered and to take it up with him.

Sweenytodd, surely the op’s H would naturally be amazing at buying presents for his own family as he knows them.

Having a penis doesn’t exempt that person from responsibility towards his own family.

OP, stop caring about what his family think, he’s their relative his actions reflect on them not you, this is how he’s been brought up.
I’d not even bother reminding him of upcoming events, he should know himself.

I would text thank you’s for DS’s gifts and add that H will be sending thank you cards. Or something like that.

And definitely send aunt your H’s number tell her to arrange things with him directly as you’ve already passed the message on.

I do the same thing with DH- I put my foot down after SIL had her second dc and I realised that DH hadn’t once picked a present for the older boy, his godson. It’s worked well so far- I’ll remind DH and if I see something that would be suitable I’ll suggest it, but I don’t give it headspace anymore.

Thank Yous are different though- if someone has gone to the effort of picking something for our DD it’s both our responsibilities to make sure they know it’s appreciated. I can see why you’d put your foot down about sorting cards and presents, but it takes zero effort to send a thank you text.

Men and women can equally be great or hopeless at buying presents. If both are hopeless then when you are in the supermarket stop by the gift card stand at pick up one of the many different ones they now sell. It shouldn't make a difference whether its yours or your partners family member its all part of a partnership. This is why last weekend my OH and my sisters OH along with my eldest son were at my parents putting up some new garden fencing even though according tinthe logic on here me and my sister should have been doing it as it was our parents.

I stopped buying husbands family gifts, but I would never not thank them for anything received by our lot

The great aunt who sent £100 has been texting me for the past fortnight asking when DH will visit her to collect DS’s birthday gift. I keep saying I don’t know but I’ll pass the message on to him. Then he continues to do nothing about it.

Give her your husband's number so that she can text him instead! (And maybe make it clear to her that you are embarrassed by his behaviour.)

Why are you the middle man?!

Well my outlaws stopped talking to me for a year because I didn’t send my OH dad a card for his birthday. They believed that it’s a woman’s job and therefore I didn’t get a card or anything else. My OH challenged them and they all fell out. Interestingly I did remind my OH about his birthday but he was annoyed at his dad and said he wasn’t bothering. He didn’t mention that to his DP though did he .

It pisses me off we get the blame when they forget too. It’s not the 1950s men need to be able to do this stuff.

YABU. Some men are useless at remembering dates, getting presents. I don’t understand why you, as the more organised don’t do it. Does it really matter who gets the presents as long as they are bought. You should also do thank you for your/ your ds, if he is not old enough to do his own, and if doing them may as well thank for your dh. If however your dh does not like the present you got whoever them it’s time to tell him two choices, he does it or you do, which and if the latter don’t complain again,

Chloemol some WOMEN are useless at remembering as well. Why the hell should she be buying his family cards and gifts? It’s more wife work. He had to before they married. Such a sexist and old fashioned view.

OP should do all gifts for her dh’s family and thank his family for gifts hes’s received?

Whilst you’re at it, wipe his arse for him too OP, you’re prolly better at it than he is.

Some men are useless at remembering dates, getting presents. I don’t understand why you, as the more organised don’t do it

Ah, the casual sexism of low expectations.

It’s not unreasonable to expect a grown adult to stick a reminder in his phone and then choose something even remotely appropriate off Amazon for his own family. It’s not exactly launching the space shuttle is it?

I've said this to my husband, I remember because I set reminders in my phone, your phone does the same thing so bloody do it.

Chloemol They’re not usless and disorganised in other areas of life though are they? Such as work, arranging to see friends, sports activities, hobbies.... It’s (sexist) attitudes like yours that allow men to continue to shove crappy, boring tasks on women. Shameful.

Some men are useless at remembering dates, getting presents.

Bullshit. They're no less capable than any other human being.

Does it really matter who gets the presents as long as they are bought

If I just buy presents for his family he’ll whinge that he isn’t happy with my choices. Which is fair enough - I don’t know them as well as he does so my gift choices are very generic. So I say ok do it yourself! But then he fails to do it and it ends up being a last minute rush where we have to pay more for last minute delivery and I have to stay in to sign for parcels, or I have to go to the shops at the last minute. Or it just doesn’t get done at all and it’s embarrassing.

Don't stay in. Don't go to the shops. Be busy, very busy, too busy. To reduce being embarrassed tell people your arrangment is that he does his side of the family and you do yours. Say it with a laugh and a joke about whether he'll ever bother. All the pain of failure must be on him so he sorts himself out.

YANBU. Why should you have to do it?