To have a baby despite work?

[MrDarcyWillBeMine]

I’ve worked for a large Multi nat for almost 2 years. Simultaneously a mature student about to complete a much desired qualification.

I recently cut back on hours slightly to allow for study time and work have been Accomodating, but have made it clear this is not a long term option as my absence leaves my small team (3 people) in a VERY difficult position picking up my slack. They’ve talked about me ‘making it up once I finish my study’.

The thing is, DH and I plan to start a family as soon as I finish (have both wanted this for some time now). I have vaguely mentioned this at work but think they were under the impression I’d have progressed by then - I won’t have!

We plan to have at least 2 children (maybe 3) in close (ish) succession (if nature accommodates us) and whilst I like my job and the people I work with I can’t help but think this will cause massive friction!

I highly doubt they’ll get any mat cover for me as recruitment takes months and I’ve yet to see anyone be covered during Mat leave. Most teams just cope but mine is so small it will make a much bigger difference and I’ll barely be back before I’m off again having the next!

I’ve put in two good years (gone over and above with very positive performance feedback) and the company Mat pay is one year FULL!!! So I’d be crazy to simply leave!

I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has been in this situation. What happened? AIBU to worry?

If your company is prepared to offer 1 year full salary, they are being much more accommodating than the vast majority of employers. Don’t let fear of no mat cover or your relationship with colleagues put you off.

That said, I’d try and hold off for another year in your shoes. Getting a little bit more experience post qualification will only stand you in good stead. Also for me, it wasn’t maternity leave that changed things career wise, it was coming back part time and needing to work my hours to cover nursery pick-ups. I immediately hit the ‘mummy track’ and was treated very differently. You need to have a good think about what you want to do post baby. If part-time working is on the cards and you want to progress in the future, I’d try and do as much as you can before you have children because it will be very dificult to progress any further afterwards.

Really for my career, I should have done an extra year or two but I was desperate for a baby and I don’t think I would have listened to anyone giving me that advice at the time and I have to own the consequences of that now.

But as I said upthread, life is a lot more expensive nowadays (and I'm not talking endless luxuries that some deem 'essential' - just ordinary life) and most households will need 2, or at least 1 and a half, incomes. No jobs for life, no final salary pensions, working till you drop.

Of course biologically speaking it makes sense to have children younger, but that won't always equal financial sense and sooner or later bad finances will catch up with you.

As long as the OP has her financial ducks in a row, and it sounds like taking a break from work won't affect her career/job prospects, that's fine.

We've in the last year seen how much of a difference there is between what men and woman earn, 30 years after the Equal Pay Act. I can't but think that the time women take off and subsequent part time work has a lot to do with that. Even in my industry, which is dominated by women, there's gender pay gaps a-go-go, and senior management is not representative of the workforce as a whole.

Of course, what we need to do is stop shoe-horning women and their different biological needs into a workplace environment that was set up by and for men. Who's going to join me in the revolution?!

There have never been jobs for life for most people, they're a myth and final salary pensions are hardly relevant when determining the best time to have a family. There's never a perfect time but perhaps if people didn't leave it so late a lot fewer of them would need ivf. I know it's a highly unfashionable view and I sound like Kirsty Allsop so I'll shut up now!

If that's your plan, it's your plan and you have every legal right to do it. You should be aware though that you probably will be desperately unpopular at work, if people have to effectively add your duties to theirs for a very long time, with no extra pay or benefits to enable you to exercise your rights.

I had a co-worker who was the office manager at our very small charity. She got pregnant twice in immediate succession (pregnant with the 2nd by the time she returned to work after the first) and had HG both times, which meant she was effectively absent for around three years. The charity couldn't afford to replace her with mat cover so it was just a chaotic mess for three years while everyone scrambled to add her jobs to their own. Legally they couldn't fire her, so were short-staffed for years.

I only say his because though I really liked her (we all did), the burden of her choices made our lives more difficult and when she came back the resentment was palpable!

My job is not as high paid as I am imagining yours to be, and I am a maternity cover. Have a baby, or start TTC at least, if thats what you want and the rest will work itself out - while I'm sure you're good at your job and valued, you are not indispensable! If you keeled over next week you'd be replaceable!

of course there were jobs for life and final salary pensions! That's what my parents and in laws had!

OP - look at the bigger perspective. This is your life - they are a company and have legal obligations - thousands of companies hire mat cover every day in the UK. You are taking on the worry/ responsibility that is not yours.

Its simply not your problem - stop worrying about your employers and have the family you want.

@QuizzlyBear it is the company who didn't act responsibly in this situation. Sorry but to me it is ludicrous to resent someone for having a family - we have legal maternity rights in this country as part of a more widespread series of employment rights because it makes it a safer fairer employment environment for all workers.

There were, of course, final salary pensions, I've got one. There may well have been people who stayed in one job for life, there still are - lots of civil servants, for example - but there's never been any guarantee of that.

It's not a good idea to mention to anyone at work that you are TTC or even planning to start a family in future.

Unfortunately, discrimination is real and if they know this about you they're unlike to be so forthcoming in developing your career with them.

As PP mentioned, see how you get on TTC (could take longer than anticipated) and let them know when you are at least 12 weeks (I am going to tell employer at 16 weeks), this gives them plenty of time to organise cover for your role and if they don't, then thats the reasons your colleagues will suffer - not you.

As PP also mentioned, the fact that they over such a decent mat leave package shows that they don't view this as an inconvenience.

If you want to have your children in quick succession, thats your prerogative and no one can make you feel bad about it. I can see why you might feel that is taking the piss slightly, but you're more than allowed to do it so its your choice and if thats what you'd prefer to do, then they have to be ok with it.

Re a bad atmosphere, I'm sure there will be some quiet mutterings in the office, but if I were you I would pretend to be totally oblivious to it, and if asked just say "yes, its great news, isnt it?!". They leave themselves at risk if they are anything but positive towards you/your pregnancies/family life.

Again, I would stress dont tell people at work your plans, it can be used against you and in general, its good to keep your cards close to your chest.

I’d try and do as much as you can before you have children because it will be very dificult to progress any further afterwards.

This, looking at things from a practical perspective.

You seem to want approval. Once you have a baby, forget that. Nothing you do will be right, even if you try to minimise disruption. People may not say to your face what they are thinking in their head, laws and all that.

I would advise you get as high as you can and then cling on to this job for dear life (and take the maternity leave and flexi pt working) until your family is complete and your dcs in school or until you are ready to gear up again workwise.

Then quit and start afresh in your new company. Re-invent yourself.

The company may seem to value you now but seeing how I and other women are subtly and not so subtly marginalised, especially if pt, after maternity leave, there is no point putting your life on hold to cultivate your employer's and colleagues' goodwill. You may want to come back ft now but again that could change after the baby. Too many ifs and buts to plan ahead sensibly so just do it when the time is right for you.

🤔 I think that outlook is exactly what’s wrong with society. I shouldn’t have to wait because I’m ‘not in my thirties yet’. That’s exactly the pressure I’m feeling but frankly, what if I do struggle? When did being in your thirties become a requirement of having a baby?

It isn’t. My point was more that if you were later in your fertile period then on balance the urgency to get ok with it straight away would probably be more important than the impact this will probably have on your career. But I see your employer hasn’t paid for the training and it’s pretty much just formalising a job you’ve already been doing, so I think that makes more sense to get on with it soon in that case.

You just have to think about the bigger picture and what you’re willing to risk. You don’t ‘have to wait’ but you have asked for opinions on here so I’ve given mine.

women need to make sure they are financially independent

Maybe it would be preferable, but it's not always possible. I earn a fraction of what DH earns and we live in London. I could never afford rent or mortgage here on my income alone. Does that mean I shouldn't have had children? Of course not. My marriage is extremely solid, and there's some measure of risk involved in every big decision you make in life.

A job is just a job 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nobody is going to be sitting around wondering how dare you have the audacity to get pregnant. Honestly, other people care very little about your life choices.

Absolutely what Blueshoes said.