To have a baby despite work?

[MrDarcyWillBeMine]

I’ve worked for a large Multi nat for almost 2 years. Simultaneously a mature student about to complete a much desired qualification.

I recently cut back on hours slightly to allow for study time and work have been Accomodating, but have made it clear this is not a long term option as my absence leaves my small team (3 people) in a VERY difficult position picking up my slack. They’ve talked about me ‘making it up once I finish my study’.

The thing is, DH and I plan to start a family as soon as I finish (have both wanted this for some time now). I have vaguely mentioned this at work but think they were under the impression I’d have progressed by then - I won’t have!

We plan to have at least 2 children (maybe 3) in close (ish) succession (if nature accommodates us) and whilst I like my job and the people I work with I can’t help but think this will cause massive friction!

I highly doubt they’ll get any mat cover for me as recruitment takes months and I’ve yet to see anyone be covered during Mat leave. Most teams just cope but mine is so small it will make a much bigger difference and I’ll barely be back before I’m off again having the next!

I’ve put in two good years (gone over and above with very positive performance feedback) and the company Mat pay is one year FULL!!! So I’d be crazy to simply leave!

I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has been in this situation. What happened? AIBU to worry?

are you saying that you've worked on your qualifications purely because you think that's what you're meant to be doing? You say in your OP it's a 'much desired' qualification. Either it was (in which case what were you intending to do with it?) or it wasn't. Either you're in charge or you're not.

Please don't put your life on hold for a job. Your employer doesn't give a shit about you as a person. You're an asset to the business - that's it. If you died tomorrow they would replace you and move on.

Your career will not suffer just because you have children.

Actually, it might very well suffer. Having it all is a big fat myth. I've just learned to accept that and DH is designated breadwinner. Maybe in the future I will earn more but my career has stalled a bit. I still think it's 100% worth it!

@Dimble
It’s family and friends I tell this to. Not work or anyone connected to my office!

@River
Honestly. When I started this qualification I wanted a child. It wasn’t the right time though- we knew that. I want to qualify and I do like my profession... but not MORE than a family. I want a baby FAR more than I want this career. But that doesn’t mean I don’t like my career. I just want a family more.

well - you need to think everything through then. Will your qualification go out of date, will it be held against you if you don't get some work experience in soon after completing it?

Babies aren't babies forever. They need stuff buying for them. They need you less and less. And women need to make sure they are financially independent. Like Robotic said, it's hard to have everything. And it will always work in your favour if you go on mat leave from a company who you have a strong relationship with. Because believe me, it's fucking difficult, if not impossible, to just expect family friendly jobs to be advertised. I know. I am currently working full time which I don't want to be - but that's all there was out there in my industry. If I'd been working at the same place for 5 or 10 years when I had DD I could have named my terms and probably got them. As it is - full time job, 4 weeks annual leave and a school aged child with 13 weeks off school a year. And years with no pension contributions.

Your career will not suffer just because you have children

I think a lot of women would beg to differ. As for being "legally protected", some employers are extremely devious. I know several women who have lost their jobs while on Maternity leave and several who have been treated badly following perfectly reasonable flexible working requests on their return.

I'm not suggesting OP should put off having a family but it's naive to assume you can take a years maternity leave, come back for a few months then take another year off without some impact on your career.

Whatever you do, do NOT tell your employers you are planning to get pregnant!

If you were in your mid thirties I’d say crack on and let the company sort out how they want to mitigate your absence.

But at your age I think it’s silly to put so much effort and time (and I’m guessing company resources if they funded this?) into qualifying and then put a massive wedge in your career by having a child immediately.

You saying that your life so far has been a checklist of things that should happen before a baby seems a bit silly when you’re only 27, you’re still young and surely you’d have wanted to do all of that stuff anyway?

I would personally give it a year after qualifying to consolidate your learning and get good at the job and then think about TTC. It’ll show them you’ve not taken the piss either taking a training slot someone else could have had if you’re just gonna go off on a year’s live as soon as you possibly can after.

But it sounds like your mind is made up, just be aware of the detrimental impact on your career and standing in the company and weigh it up for yourself :)

@MrDarcyWillBeMine That makes more sense, tbh I thought it was very candid of you to say that to work colleagues!

Personally, I wouldn't worry about how they will cover for you etc or tension when you go back. You'll probably feel a bit self conscious about this when you go back after maternity leave regardless of when you take it or whether colleagues actually bear any resentment (you might imagine it because you feel guilty, as many people do, but in reality you haven't done anything wrong and you're colleagues are unlikely to judge you for starting a family)

I would consider waiting to starting trying to conceive until you have finished the training, that way even if you conceive after the first month you'll still have the best part of a year to put into practice what you've learnt, and it won't feel like you're announcing a pregnancy as soon as you finish the training.

But ultimately it's your life, and your family- do what feels right for you.

@Vietnemese

🤔 I think that outlook is exactly what’s wrong with society. I shouldn’t have to wait because I’m ‘not in my thirties yet’. That’s exactly the pressure I’m feeling but frankly, what if I do struggle? When did being in your thirties become a requirement of having a baby?

If we struggle to conceive (both of our mothers did) Medical intervention takes years to get in my area and there’s a real stigma of ‘well you should have tried earlier’ I know this as a good friend of mine is a nurse who works in obstetrics.

So people like you say ‘you should wait, work a few more years’ (despite having already plugged 8 years into my career and subsequent qualification (not funded by my company FYI), but if we struggle TC I’ll have the ‘well you should have tried earlier’ thrown back at me.

As an aside, we really want a baby! We have a home and lots of savings, DP has an income high enough that we could all live comfortably even if I got fired!

So why do I feel like I ‘shouldnt’ have a baby yet in everyone else’s opinion (around me in RL, not on MN)

Didn’t it used to be enough to just have a house and a job?

I’ve also been doing the job that I’ll have the qualification for, so technically getting ‘more experience’ won’t make much difference. I’ll simply be qualified at what I’ve been doing for the last two years. If that makes sense.
🤔

a house is a lot more expensive than it used to be and a job is no longer for life. And a great many women (and their DC) have been shat on from a great height when the man of the house fucks off into the sunset, leaving behind a wife who has been financially dependant on him without a bean.

But, the bottom line is it's up to you. But don't go into this with your rose-tinted glasses on - no woman should. Make sure your (and I mean your, not both of yours) finances are in order and you know exactly what the score is workwise.

You are entitled to maternity leave though only having worked there 2 years and already having taken a (somewhat begrudgingly allowed) a hours concession to study there may be a bit of bad feeling. Do check the number of years service required for such a generous ml policy - could be longer than 2 years - and some workplaces demand you are back full time for at least two years before you can claim company maternity leave (statutory ml isn't affected). Quick succession children annoys colleagues probably the most. Your legal rights are very different to what is fair to your employer and many do frown upon employees who return to work off their one year maternity leave pregnant.

How bizarre to tell your colleagues! It's none of their business. They are being rude! Tinkly laugh and a head tilt all the way.

Think about what would happen if you started TTC and they demanded monthly updates? You could well spend 12 months TTC and by then everyone at work knows?!

Stop talking about babies at work and just do what's right for you. There is no perfect time to have a baby!

Your career will not suffer just because you have children

If only this were true

You’re 27, earning six figures and ready to start a family?

Crack the fuck on!

The women I know who are in your position are typically a decade older than you as am I.

Last year 8 of my circle were involved in some form of reproductive assistance.

It’s real. Don’t wait. Good luck x

I wouldn't wait. Me and many friends waited till early 30s to TTC. Some of us were able to, some weren't. If course we don't know if they'd have been able to if they tried earlier. But I know several couples who tried for a few years then ended up trying IVF in their mid to late 30s, unsuccessfully.

Do you think your colleagues - or your bosses - would put off starting a family because of you?? Of course they wouldn’t. Get on with it and good luck!

If you’ve got issues conceiving you could easily be 29 before you conceive and 30 before you give birth, that’s not that young really is it. I started trying when I was 32 and gave birth at the same age and then 35 but I only had 2, if you’re looking to fit in 3 when you’re still quite young and are secure there no reason not to start now. And if you conceive quickly so much the better x

A friend of a friend had a high powered job and had an unplanned pregnancy, she was so loyal to her employer that she only took 2 months maternity leave and put the baby with a childminder because she didn’t want to let her employer down. Well guess what, the company got taken over by a bigger company who decided that her job duplicated someone they already had on staff and made her redundant.

What I’m trying to say OP is do what is right for you, know your rights and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for living your life, because if they decide they don’t need you anymore they will drop you like a stone.

Yes go for it, I had two in quick succession as a deputy headteacher/ acting head

Honestly there was a whole community railing at me, even on a Sunday no break- it was half the church talk. I wasn’t thinking of the children’s education etc

Ultimately though I’d be crazy not to have children for this reason. I even know a previous head who didn’t and regrets it hugely in her old age.

When did 27 start to be young to start a family? One of my friends had her first at 26 and was described in her notes as an elderly primagravida!

OP, if you think you're likely to have fertility issues, make full use of your fertile years. There's no good reason for you to wait.

Blue in my social circle 27 would be very young to have a child (not wrong, of course - just comparatively young). In my NCT group we were all over 30 and 3 of us were 38!

I don't have an issue with anyone having a baby at 27. I was just a little bemused by going from studying for a much-desired professional qualification to TTC and going on mat leave.

It makes sense to go for it as early as possible if you think there may be fertility issues, rather than waste your most fertile years. I think it's a generation thing, mine had babies far younger.

Well I wouldn't discuss it any more with work or your colleagues as you say who knows how long it might take for it to happen for you.

I do wonder why you would go to all the expense and effort of gaining a qualification and then just immediately deciding to take a significant chunk of time out of work but up to you

As for the previous poster who said your career doesn't have to be affected no it doesn't have to be affected but being practical it can be when you have childcare responsibilities. I work for a fantastically flexible company I work 3 and 3/4 days I work from home and make my own diary it's almost too flexible now but it works around school and nursery drop-offs pickups the job itself is within my profession it's absolutely fine but I can do it still my head I can't progress because our arrangements at home have a little flexible for travel or long hours. I'm very very lucky I know that but I'm also trapped and I don't think it's true that you can have everything

There's absolutely no issue is there? Have a baby whenever you want.