She came to my door stop and started screaming at me!!

[PupsAndKittens]

So for some (not particularly relevant) background, I am 19 and also have ASD ( I identify as HF. I know that some people don’t believe in HF, but that’s how I chose to identify myself as I feel that is what best represents me. )

I was fortunate enough to have a job trial on Sunday. I have been unemployed for six months now ( last job was great but unfortunately was a summer temp ).

I do not currently drive, so I politely asked DBF if she would take me. She kindly said yes. I asked because trains are doable but awkward on a Sunday so was just wondering if she could help me out. (BTW Job is roughly 35 minutes in the car, and usually on weekdays and Saturdays, 30 minutes on train – no changes )

The day before the trial, I went out for lunch with DBF and her DM. DM tells me that she is not happy with her DD taking me to this interview/trial, and that she wished that DD had not agreed to take me in the first place. On the drive home from lunch, DBF tells me that she is not sure if she will be able to take me now as she might be “busy” ( I asked her to define “busy“, and she replied with “stuff“). Anyway she said would let me know in the morning.

The next morning I got up, and messaged DBF to see if you could still take me. This was about 7 o’clock in the morning (I do understand that this is very early and was not expecting an answer straight away). However when I looked back at 8:30: no answer. I appreciate that 8:30 is still fairly early, but she knew that if I was to get the train I would need to leave in about 15 minutes. I decided to ring her DM and asked if DBF could still take me. She said she would ask and get back to me. About five minutes later I got a text through from DBF saying she would take me followed by a quick call from DBFs M, confirming the text as well as wishing me good luck (I thought this was very sweet and said thank you).

DBF picks me up and drives me to the interview. I said that I will pay her some petrol money, in which she said don’t worry about it at the moment. I then went and had my job interview/trial. While I thought that it went well, unfortunately I have reason to believe that on this occasion I have been unfortunate, as I feel there are too many factors going against me on this occasion. However I was pleased with how I performed in the trial and thought the people that I was working with where charming.

After the trial I rang DBF to see where she wanted to meet. There were a few shops I need to go round but due to the probable outcome of the trial, I felt very down and just really wanted to go home. One of the shops we did go in was Poundland as I desperately needed some new earplugs, as I didn’t have any as they were all broken My friend wanted to buy a car charger but was 20p short as her phone had died, which is what she used to buy things. So I offered that I would pay. she refused, but I insisted. After a few more shops we decided to Head home. Due to me not eating I asked if we could go for the MackieD drive-through. I ended up having to change my order, as the burger I wanted was 6 pounds on its own and I refused to pay that. There was then some issues with the drive-through as basically they forgot my order! So a bit anoyed, went in and had to pick it up. So a McDonald’s which should’ve taken one minute, ended up taking about seven minutes!

On the journey back we listen to music though a Bluetooth speaker. I do appreciate that I might of been slightly self-indulgent with being disappointed that I didn’t think I got it. But DBF didn’t seem to say anything. Near the end of the journey I deliberately chose the song “Days” by Kirsty MacColl to show my gratitude for all she did for me that day. When she dropped me off she seems absolutely fine and normal.

I have been home for about 20 minutes, when I had DBFs car pull up outside. I sensibly thought that I had forgotten something or picked somethings up In error: WRONG!! I answer the door to find her DM screaming that I am a ungrateful piece of st! And that I was a nightmare all day, as I was unsociable as I had my headphones in all day (er going back to poundland). When I try to defend myself and say I literally have done none of these things, she called me a liar. She went on to say how she needed her DDs help and that I just abused her! Transpires that she was angry because I didn’t give petrol money even though she asked me not to! All the things she said about me were completely fabricated and not true at all!

This really upset me so much: I actually ended up crying myself to sleep. Which is rare!

I had to leave college early today, as I was just so down I couldn’t concentrate on anything. This is where things get really strange! As I was walking back from the train station, guess who I hear: DBF caling my nick-name! I tell her that we need to talk, but she tells me she can’t as she will miss her train (she had 10 minutes!). I say to her that I didn’t appreciate her DM screaming at my front door. She said I know it was out of order and have told her off. I then tried to give her the money, but she literally just ran off like The Bloody White Rabbit, saying she was late. Unbelievable!

Not so much a AIBU, but more of a WWYD? DBF is like a sister to me and I really don’t want to ruin our friendship over this. But I would like some advice on how to go forward. Thank you

[IamPickleRick]

As soon as you said you needed to go to the shops, I just thought ok, there in lies the issue.

It wasn’t just a lift, it was a day running around, stopping here and there, getting food etc for little in return. Your friend probably didn’t want to and her DM is giving you that message, albeit badly and in an irate manner.

[bellie710]

Why does everyone have to talk in code what is DBF, HF, when you then add in DM and Asd etc it is bloody hard work trying to workout what the hell is going on! Why can't we just go back to speaking normally!

[peskypooches]

High functioning means someone who is on the autistic spectrum but is academically/functionally on a par with their non-ASD peers. As opposed to other autistic people who may be somewhat, or very much, less able. Many HF ASD people can get degrees etc but may still have issues with their social and communication abilities, as well as perhaps having sensory and other issues, but often people don't even realise they are on the spectrum and just think they occasionally do something slightly 'odd'. All ASD people have different issues (as do non-ASD people!!). As a PP said, if OP wasn't HF she wouldn't be posting here for advice.

[OnwardUpwardsSometimesSideways]

I suspect that the friend/her mum were worried that if you'd got the job that you'd have hoped for lifts of a weekly basis.

But you do sound lovely, OP and I hope you work it out.

The mum shouldn't have shouted at you, but I suspect she was trying to look out for her daughter.

[IamPickleRick]

Your dog, you walk it.
Your interview, you get yourself there, not your friend.

These instances aren’t comparable.

[QuietContraryMary]

dbf is a new one, lol

[peskypooches]

I hadn't heard DBF before but it's not hard to work out. I would think most people nowadays are aware of ASD, and HF has been explained numerous times throughout the thread.

Cut the poor OP some slack!

(OP - there is some good advice here as well, hope you can sort everything out. It sounds like you have a good friend there. Good luck on the job front!)

[ValleyClouds]

As a disabled person (non autistic) I'm going to wear my disabled persons hat for this post.

The mother was out of order to come to your door and start screaming at you, particularly given your additional needs, and how they present.

However, I would agree that in several ways, your friend was not treated like a friend that day and was treated like an unpaid PA

The mother needs to stay out of her DDs choices and friendships though, appears extremely overinvested in her daughters friendships and has anger issues.

[PupsAndKittens]

Can, I just make it clear to everyone, SHE was the one that wanted to go shopping! Not me. But I went because of what she did for me. I just wanted to go home but I stayed

[elfycat]

HF= autistic people who have a high intelligence factor but not the inter-personal understanding that you might expect.


I can't say this is all ASD people because everyone is unique - but the 'HF' people I know can 1) do maths to a high level, discuss gaming interests with adults at an adult level (he's 13) 2) Speak Klingon fluently, play computer games and paint warhammer figures meticulously. Doesn't understand how to run a house, personal hygiene or other stuff to run a life (42 ish).

So intelligent - sometimes very much so in some areas, But still autistic. Can live a life, but not get any kind of nuance. Speaking from my limited experience (married to someone with obvious but mild traits - until he's stressed when it's a fucking nightmare to talk to him about anything).

[PupsAndKittens]

@IamPickleRick but it’s not my dog, it’s theirs. I shouldn’t have to walk it. I was extremely tired and like I said I’m not comfortable walking dogs. I did it to do them a favour.

[FordPrefect42]

I’m autistic, and I would’ve offered my friend money for a lift if I were in your position.

The fact of the matter is that this is a social rule - your friend may well have said something along the lines of “oh don’t worry about it! It’s fine, no need to pay me” but really you still should. Also the fact that you didn’t thank her properly, just played some loud music she didn’t like in her car, that makes me uncomfortable just reading it as even I know how to be polite, say thank you, and actually show my gratitude towards that person (I’m this case by paying them for the petrol).

You said you don’t drive so I’m not sure if you’re aware of just how much petrol costs these days (and she took you to MCDs too, all respect due I wouldn’t put my friend in an uncomfortable situation like that, where she would almost feel like she HAD to take you there? Then you put her in a situation where she thought she may have to pay for your expensive burger - for future reference Big Macs cost just over 3 quid and honestly they’re the best things there. And all that travelling around wouldn’t have been cheap).

Oh, and asking your friend to “define busy” is actually rather rude, I wouldn’t dare say that to anyone, just accept that they’ve got something more important to do - I wouldn’t be surprised if I was told to mind my own business if I were to ever ask that.

Sounds to me like your friend may have texted or called her Mum to discreetly let her know that she was in an awkward situation that day, and I wouldn’t have blamed her, as I’ve had to do this before on a few occasions.

Long story short I do feel as though you were taking advantage of your friend; I also think it would be a good idea for you to get some advice or support on your social skills as these will prove useful in the future.

[Eve81]

Awwww you poor girl!

Her mother was awful to you, even if dbf did not want to take you.

What's done is done. I'd probably wait to be offered a lift next time and if you are not then try and make other plans.

This is very minor in the grand scheme of things and I feel your default mum has turned it into to something way out of proportion.

Good luck x

[FordPrefect42]

In this case*

[AfterSchoolWorry]

Yep OP, what's happened here is the best friend didn't want to give you the lift but was too polite to say to your face.

Best friend has been venting to her Mother. Her mother is frustrated that you're 'taking advantage' of the daughter. The mother probably isn't aware that your autism prevents you from noticing when people say the opposite to what they mean.

In reality you monopolized the girls whole day. That's her own fault in a way because she needs to be more assertive and say no when she means no.

The day before the trial, I went out for lunch with DBF and her DM. DM tells me that she is not happy with her DD taking me to this interview/trial, and that she wished that DD had not agreed to take me in the first place. On the drive home from lunch, DBF tells me that she is not sure if she will be able to take me now as she might be “busy” ( I asked her to define “busy“, and she replied with “stuff“). Anyway she said would let me know in the morning

This here is when you should have stopped asking about the lift. You continued to be pushy about it, which I know you didn't realise.

For future, if people seem doubtful/unsure/ambiguous about arrangements it often means 'no. Even if that's not directly said.

Also if someone says they will be busy tomorrow it means they don't plan to meet you. You should accept that and not question them further.

[Mymycherrypie]

The thing is that if you didn’t want to go shopping, had you got yourself there you could have just gone home like you wanted. It might have been an awkward journey on a Sunday but it would have saved all these favour games that it doesn’t seem have worked out for you. There are several things that could have gone wrong here, the music, the not paying her, the waiting around, 30 mins is a long way and probably about £15 in petrol, the Mac Donald’s, all those issues could have been avoided if you had just listened when your friend said no, instead of pushing for a yes. I hope it works out for you but maybe it’s easier to avoid situations with such a huge potential for misunderstanding.

[Nickpan]

You may need a bit more coaching from someone with experience of ASD, rather than us lot. Your story keeps changing slightly, I suddenly feel aware that I shouldn't try and advise someone with ASD even if they are HF.
I don't think you pick up on hints from your friend, and this makes her mum cross.

[CantStopMeNow]

Of course you are HF, people with IQs under 70 would find this level of communication challenging to the point of impossible
Here come the Ignorant And Proud Of It brigade!

[ValleyClouds]

Yes I agree with a previous poster that she tried to tell you she didn't want to do it, at least twice and you didn't pick up the social cue.

This is not your fault and presumably she knows if your condition and should have been clearer with you and more direct

[PupsAndKittens]

@FordParker42 The music was not loud! Loud music is a sensory issue for my ASD! She loves loud music but will always turn it down as she knows it is really bad sensory for me. I told her thank you physically about 10 times throughout the day. I also bought her a drink and her phone charger and some sweets.

I had lots of money on me, I was well able to pay for my own meal, I just put 6 pounds for a burger was ridiculous!

And I never asked her to define busy.

[HeathRobinson]

'I should’ve just accepted that she couldn’t take me on this occasion.

This sums it up for me. on this occasion - how many times a month do you ask her for a lift?

[Nickpan]

Also, what may be a bit of a giveaway as to how you interact with your friend: in this thread, you responded to most issues part from 'you don't pick up on hints from your friend', who plainly said she couldn't give you a lift.
In general, would you perhaps admit, in all honesty, do you perhaps not pick up on hints?

[Nickpan]

perspective - an hour of driving would come to WAY more than a £6 burger.

[PupsAndKittens]

Okay, I accept that I should not of asked my friend for a lift, however, I live with my DS Who has severe anxiety. And it’s not fair on her for someone to shout abuse of though my litterbox. Secondly I tried to give her the money again today and she just ran off. What was I meant to do? Run after her.