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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask for help from a guy reading this please?

44 replies

30birthdayholiday · 11/02/2019 21:38

I think my husband may be beginning to have a mid life crisis, and I want to know the things to say/do to help.

He is becoming increasingly depressed, bitter about things, gets angry easily, losing interest in things he used to enjoy. He has stopped wanting to go to church, and seems to have turned against it, which a few years ago would have been really unlike him.

He feels undervalued and undermined at work, and this could be what is triggering it.

We have a 14 month old daughter and I work from home bringing in a little money so he is stressed covering 80% of our financial outgoings. He says he feels really more stressed since she is born as he likes to be in control of what is happening and with a small child you never know what will happen next and this unpredictability scares him.

He has taken up going to the gym again, but has CFS and feels really tired the next couple of days after being to the gym, but also feels like the gym lifts the depression a bit.

He is seeing a therapist fortnightly to talk through some childhood issues and this is bringing feelings and emotions back to the surface that were buried so this may have something to do with it too.

Basically I wanted to ask a man, or any partner going through this if they have any advice on how to handle this. So I don't say or do the wrong thing and make it worse.

I would ideally like to stop him spiralling into a worse state than he is right now, but don't know how to. Thank you for your help.

OP posts:
Tucobenedicto · 11/02/2019 21:51

Similar thing happened to me 6 years ago...happily married for 20 years then bang..out of absolutely nowhere I had an affair...lasted 6 months before it all came out...I hope this isn't the case for you..how is the sex? Sorry for asking but I shut off completely from my wife and that was the first thing to go.

Original poster
30birthdayholiday · 11/02/2019 21:59

Ah see well, that is another thing. After having and I'm breastfeeding still, my sex drive is 0.

I would say we have sex once every week/10 days? I do think he would like it more, but I'm doing all the night wake ups and early mornings and am exhausted.

OP posts:
Original poster
30birthdayholiday · 11/02/2019 22:01

What would you have liked your wife to do/say during this time?

OP posts:
Lifecraft · 11/02/2019 22:02

He has stopped wanting to go to church, and seems to have turned against it,

That's not a mid life crisis, that's just growing up! Grin

Tucobenedicto · 11/02/2019 22:04

He still wants to be close to you then and wants intimacy..I never wanted that with my wife at all..I went right off food and wasn't eating properly either..is he careful with his phone? It may or may not be an affair but that's what my experience is

Poodloo · 11/02/2019 22:05

lifecraft I don't believe in God but I'd never be mean about someone's religion. That's not a nice comment.

Original poster
30birthdayholiday · 11/02/2019 22:05

Haha yea I see what you mean, but in all seriousness, church was/is a big part of our lives and for him to suddenly stop that and rant about how he doesn't like how this or that is done within the church is very very unlike him. And there was no mention of this before, it's all come to a head recently for some reason and I don't know why.

OP posts:
Original poster
30birthdayholiday · 11/02/2019 22:07

He definitely still wants intimacy, asks regularly!😂
He is attached to his phone a lot, but I know the passcode to his and he knows mine, so nothing to worry about there. I don't know how he would be having the time to have an affair to be honest.

OP posts:
Tucobenedicto · 11/02/2019 22:08

She was trying her best to find out why I had shut off from her..I had virtually changed overnight it happened that quick..I couldn't tell her and the whole shambles went on for 6 months..

Original poster
30birthdayholiday · 11/02/2019 22:08

If your wife had sat you down me said" I think this is a mid life crisis" how would that have gone down with you? Bad idea or an open honest chat?

OP posts:
Tucobenedicto · 11/02/2019 22:11

You say he can't find time..believe me I did..we would meet in the morning at 5.30am..I start work at 6.30am..she would go out running early and we met up then..you always find time and a way if you want to...the phone thing is a very good sign it's not an affair..sorry I can't help with much more but feel free to ask

Original poster
30birthdayholiday · 11/02/2019 22:13

Thank you, it's good to get w male perspective on things.

Just basically wondering what I should do, just wait and see how things play out or try to bring it to a head earlier by attempting to discuss what I think it is?

OP posts:
Tucobenedicto · 11/02/2019 22:14

I wish she had done that as it may have not gone on for so long..yes try that..get a quiet moment just the 2 of you and tell him he isn't leaving the room till he tells you the truth about what's wrong with him

PunkrockerGirl59 · 11/02/2019 22:14

Lifecraft
Not funny, not clever, not helpful.

Tucobenedicto · 11/02/2019 22:16

Please don't let it go on and on..my 2 kids also suffered because of me..I lost interest in virtually all family life and I was a really good hands on dad...

Tucobenedicto · 11/02/2019 22:17

Agree with you punkrocker..that was pathetic

Original poster
30birthdayholiday · 11/02/2019 22:17

Thank you I'll try that then. Thanks for your advice and help.

OP posts:
Tucobenedicto · 11/02/2019 22:21

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you..take care.

QuintadiMalago · 11/02/2019 23:00

Tucobenedicto
You said out of the blue came an affair.
Did you just wake up one day and discover that you were having an affair? Was it a complete shock to you that you were having an affair?
So one day there you were just getting on with your life and then gosh an affair just happened?
I mean that must have been very strange to be just living your life and then shagging someone else, how could you have not noticed that

Original poster
30birthdayholiday · 12/02/2019 07:12

Also have been thinking, what was it that made it stop, or made you "snap out of it" as it were?

OP posts:
Whereareyouspot · 12/02/2019 07:18

Tucobenedicto listen to yourself ffs

The affair just came up out the blue and walloped you and poor you being so helpless and all you couldn’t help but start shagging another woman and become a useless distant father

What a shock that must have been for you when you had been such a committed wonderful partner

If only your wife had........you wouldn’t have had to suffer that way

I have so much I want to say to you but it will either not be within guidelines or you won’t hear it anyway

Whereareyouspot · 12/02/2019 07:19

OP talk to your DH

Say what you notice and ask him about it

He sounds quite low in mood and therapy may be difficult before it becomes easier

Financial responsibility can be a killer. It may be that you need to look at that and start using some childcare to allow you to work or both be PT and share the home/work split.

Talk talk talk. Only he can tell you what’s going on.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/02/2019 07:24

I would think that calling it a mid life crisis sounds pretty dismissive. Given that he has depression and is seeking counselling, I think all you can do is support him through this.

paintinmyhairAgain · 12/02/2019 07:46

is your first dc ? dc make so many changes to a relationship, both positive and negative. you say he is carrying the majority of financial weight, that is a big responsibility in itself, and especially when you have a young child so that may will not be helping.
talking it through with someone can help clear muddied waters and obviously you need to talk as a couple.but when you are depressed though it is easier said than done. does he take medication for it ?
exercise is excellent for mood lifting but the gym is too much if it's wiping him out for a couple of days, perhaps walking [with /without you and lo] or gentle exercise even at home might be better.
as far as the sex drive goes, it's only fair to want intimacy with your partner and its great he still desires you in that way as his wife, some men can't separate the nurturing mother aspect. i would aim for sex once a week then reconnect with a massage inbetween not needing to result in sex but for the feel good factor. hands, mouths and toys are all great if you don't want penetration, you can help him, and like wise. sometimes it takes a bit of effort but it's worth it ime.
it will most likely help get your mojo back and help lift his mood potentially helping you both on all levels.

paintinmyhairAgain · 12/02/2019 07:51

meant to ask when did cfs start ?

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