To ask for help from a guy reading this please?

[30birthdayholiday]

I think my husband may be beginning to have a mid life crisis, and I want to know the things to say/do to help.

He is becoming increasingly depressed, bitter about things, gets angry easily, losing interest in things he used to enjoy. He has stopped wanting to go to church, and seems to have turned against it, which a few years ago would have been really unlike him.

He feels undervalued and undermined at work, and this could be what is triggering it.

We have a 14 month old daughter and I work from home bringing in a little money so he is stressed covering 80% of our financial outgoings. He says he feels really more stressed since she is born as he likes to be in control of what is happening and with a small child you never know what will happen next and this unpredictability scares him.

He has taken up going to the gym again, but has CFS and feels really tired the next couple of days after being to the gym, but also feels like the gym lifts the depression a bit.

He is seeing a therapist fortnightly to talk through some childhood issues and this is bringing feelings and emotions back to the surface that were buried so this may have something to do with it too.

Basically I wanted to ask a man, or any partner going through this if they have any advice on how to handle this. So I don't say or do the wrong thing and make it worse.

I would ideally like to stop him spiralling into a worse state than he is right now, but don't know how to. Thank you for your help.

Can you go to a counselling session with him? When I was in therapy they said my DH could come to a session if I wanted to talk with him and them (if that makes sense).

I haven't asked if I can go to a session too, hat might be a suggestion. Thank you.
He think he has had CFS for years, since he was maybe 17/18 and he is 35 now. It never seems to go away, always lingering in the background.

Yes is it our first DC, and no he refuses to take medication.

Sorry, not a man!
Has he tried the meds, or just refuses outright? Maybe gentle encouragement to try if he hasn't.

I wish she had done that as it may have not gone on for so long
In my experience, asking directly about this kind of thing just leads to lies. Bigger and better than before, tuco. Don't try and lay blame elsewhere. It lies solely with the person who took the step into having an affair. It's not up to your partner to police your behavior.

Refusing to take meds would piss me off. Tell him to man up and take what the docs prescribe.

@whereareyouspot

Totally what I was about to say.

this sounds like a knee jerk reaction from the birth, and all the new responsibilities that go with a massive change in life, it may have bought up issues from his past or he feels overwhelmed and hasn't adapted to the idea.
why does he refuse medication that could potentially help him ? not saying this is the case but some people won't take it because they are worried about side effects and others are martyrs to the cause 'no one knows how i suffer but i never complain'but it's all too obvious in their behaviour and attitude to those around them.

I know this is often brought up on threads like this, but could he be on the autistic spectrum? The dislike of being out of routine and out of control would fit.

Hi, 35 year old man here and this all sounds VERY familiar.

Apologies in advance for the long post/life story.

I lost a lot of my focus and determination (in all aspects of life) over the past 2 years. My wife and I have been married for 3 years (together for 8-ish) and I still love her very much but find myself stuck in a rut.

I have a good job but can't really be bothered to apply myself to it. I let a business I was running on the side fail because of a lack of motivation. I don't eat properly (normally once a day), have increased my alcohol consumption significantly and don't really find pleasure in anything.

I ALSO tried the gym and kept it up for about a week.

Firstly, I think it's best for him to seek proper help as it may be depression (I have a history of it). My advice is purely from my own experience and please take it as that and only that.

I THINK I've managed to get the bottom of it and, as trivial term as it is, I think that 'mid life crisis' covers it.

I started going to the pub after work (virtually every night). I work alone and this was my way of socialising a bit and unwinding before going home. My wife always knew where I was and, because I was coming home in a better mood, it was beneficial for both of us.

Obviously going to the pub every night isn't very good for you so I started walking. Nothing specific, just around local estates etc for an hour or so (and increasingly longer). This actually gave me the headspace (away from home, work and other people) to get, I believe, to the bottom of my problem.

One night it was really cold, blowing a gale and hammering it down...and I loved it! It soon occurred to me WHY I loved it.

I left school/college at 18 having been badly bullied for 3-4 years previous. At that time, I moved away and got a job at Butlin's doing security work. This was mainly working on the doors but after the clubs shut at 2-3am we used to do mobile patrols for a few hours, checking for stragglers/anti-social behaviour/noise etc. This was a very solitary job and, being on the coast, during the colder months it was very cold, very windy and often hammering down.

I realised that THIS was why I was getting so much from walking because, being outside alone, I was that 18 year old version of myself again. I had got older, my life had changed dramatically but it turns out that, in my head, I am exactly the same person.

I found myself comparing the thoughts of 18 year old me and what I had ACTUALLY done with my life...and I cried. Don't get me wrong, I have a good job, a lovely wife and a stepdaughter but I realise that I'd buried that free, ambitious version of myself under a sea of responsibility and work.

I'm not speaking for all men but I KNOW for a fact that I never wanted to grow up, I never planned to have children (the reason I'm on MN is because I didn't know where to start when I became a stepdad and wanted to do a good job of it...apparently I do) and I genuinely have always been happy in my own company.

Oh...and yes, whilst I didn't actively seek an affair, I DID find myself messaging girls from my past and was shocked to find that I still got a 'buzz' when I heard back from them. It did genuinely feel like I was 18 again, very, very strange. So, whilst I didn't have an affair (and don't intend to), I guess we use affairs as a way to try and reconnect with our care-free youth (bloody stupid and destructive way of doing it mind you!).

It's something I'm still working through and can't say that I'm 100% happy but this certainly helped me identify why I might feel the way I do. I'm coming to accept (although I doubt I ever will fully) that I can never go back and any attempt to would involve losing the most important person in my life (as well as my home, job and all the material shit that seems so important but isn't).

I didn't want to grow up but it turns out that I did and I need to change the way I think about that.

Like I say, I'm still struggling, but I feel that by allowing myself time and space to retreat into my own head and get to grips with myself, I have managed to 'survive' my midlife crisis without damaging my marriage (I did buy a convertible though...how cliche!).

Sorry to ramble but your story sounded so familiar. I'd certainly recommend professional help but mild exercise, space to think and being brutally honest with myself certainly helped me.

Sending you my best as I know I'm not exactly a joy to live with all the time.

P

Whereareyouspot.....this thread isn't about me ok...someone asked for a man's view and I gave her mine...if you want to know my affair happened with someone I knew for a long time..there's was nothing remotely between us except picking up and dropping off each other's kids from an activity...no txt flirting or nothing..then one day out the blue she sent me a txt telling me how she felt and like a mug I threw everything away...and also the SHAGGING as you put it never happened till 4 months into the affair..does that satisfy your narrow mind when you spouted a lot of shit about a situation you knew nothing about...again someone asked a man's advice...not how my affair started...

So many helpful things thank you:

@PBo83

A lot of the things you say, about getting alone and being honest with himself is exactly what my husband says when I talk to him. How can I help him do this?

Funny I have mentioned before to him about whether he thinks he is on the spectrum and we have pondered this.

He has tried antidepressants before, several ones and they all had side effects that he thought were worse than the depression so he is very reluctant to try more. He is liking the therapist he is seeing now so I am hoping in time this will help.

I do think having a child has brought up feelings about his own childhood and this scares him. His Dad passed away suddenly of a heart attack when he was 9 and he has struggled with this since and it was never dealt with. He is scared that our daughter will end up "messed up" (his words)

The posts directed at Tuco are uncalled for

@30BirthdayHoliday

I'm glad he's getting on well with the therapist, it's something I have considered but I'm trying it alone first.

With regards helping him, all I can suggest is try and be patient with him. It might be hard, I'm sure I'm far from easy to live with when I'm in a bad way. He might just need time to figure out the root of his unhappiness. Like I say, walking and time alone really helped me but I guess it's hard to suggest/encourage, just let him be alone for a while if he asks (obviously this doesn't excuse buggering off to the pub for eight hours).

It sounds like you're being really supportive so he's lucky to have you. I doubt any of this is your fault. Like I say, men (and I'm sure some women) suffer real anxiety over being expected to 'grow up' and the arrival of a child can really test this.

@Opheliablox

Seconded. It's important we can share advice and experience without being slated for it. Nobody lives their lives completely without fault and, if we can share our mistakes in order to help others, then at least something positive has come out of a bad situation.

For what it's worth @tucobenedicto , I've been in that situation too (not in my current marriage). Not a thought about cheating for years and then suddenly something happens from seemingly nowhere. I've never made it as far as an actual affair (not saying that makes me better/worse, just sharing experiences).

I had been with my partner for years and always been completely faithful, never even questioned that I wouldn't be. Then I randomly bumped into a woman I knew (an ex of a friend). We had always got on well and chatted and swapped numbers. Conversations started innocently but I found myself getting a 'buzz' every time I would get a message from her. Things got a bit flirty and we started messaging more and more often and it became a lot more 'personal' (never 'sexy'). We met a couple of times but nothing physical happened and I started to distance myself from her when I realised what was happening.

It's scary though, I have myself down as a very honest person and, on paper at least, I have never been unfaithful (in a physical sense) but it's possible that this can be tested. I don't think it was ever to do with the other woman or even a problem with my existing relationship, just that I had rediscovered something inside me.

Hard to explain and I probably come across as a huge twat but so be it.

Thank you for you help and kind words.

I just feel I'm barely hanging on at the minute. I am running my own business to enable me to do childcare from home. He doesn't appear to value me giving up a career to stay at home and work from home, plus look after our daughter 24 hours, and all the night/ early morning get ups.

I think he resents the fact I can stay at home, as in I physically don't have to leave the house to work, but yet I am still working. But on the other hand he says he couldn't do what I do and look after our daughter 24/7. When he is in a particularly down mood, he can be grumpy and takes it out on me simply because I'm the only adult there, I think. I tend to retreat and go into another room, stop answering and then this annoys him as he thinks I'm ignoring him, but it's just a self preservation on my part, as I think if I'm not near him he can't rant at me.

When he is good he is very good, it's just at times he can be very down.

I feel I can't ask him to do any more childcare to give me a break, as he is already knackered from working 5 days a week, but I'm "working" minding our daughter 24/7 and plus real work 2.5 days a week, sometimes more. So I just struggle on myself. I do all the shopping, looking after pets, buying presents, organising parties etc, and I just feel I'm running round after everyone, tiptoeing round him to not start him off on a rant. He doesn't rant about me, just at me!

Sometimes we can have a nice chat about his work, and sometimes he will go off on a rant, there's no knowing what kind of day he has had.

When he is down, he seems to get very anxious, especially about things to do with our house " can you feel these draughts here, that window is broken there, that slate needs fixed..." and he gets frustrated that he is unable to mend these, due to feeling so tired and lacks motivations. He does seem a desperately unhappy man at times and I just don't know what to do.

I just am feeling a bit down myself I suppose and am stretched out giving to everyone and it feels like there is no one there for me.

Opheliablox..thanks for your kind words...maybe I worded what I said wrong about my affair but I was 100% to blame..my poor innocent wife has no blame whatsoever..these people having a go are getting the wrong end of the stick..I didn't intend to blame anyone but myself..as you said there is not one person without fault and I am glad you managed to sort your life out before going down the road I went and causing carnage to 2 families...thank you once again.

OP, your husband has specifically mentioned worries about being the main bread winner. You mention working from home but that it does not pay well.
Would you consider finding a proper job so that he does not have to shoulder the burden? Point out that he would have to share childcare. He might really enjoy being responsible and getting to know his daughter through sharing caring for her.
It sounds like he is daunted by the thought of you giving up work permanently.

hmm... sounds very very similar to what I'm going through....

a pp. said "tell him to man up and take the meds".. that's the last thing he needs to hear... by all means have a discussion why he is opposed to it.

it might help to look up something called "relational needs" and read up about it... consider/discuss which of these is absent or deficient... then think about how this can be changed.

@mrsmuddlepies

I did have a job before my maternity leave, I am a teacher. So I could go back to that at any time I want.
I am a childminder from home just now, and I used to work 5 days a week, but it was too much with a small baby, I was burning the candle at both ends, so we had a discussion and we agreed jay I would work part time, until our daughter went to school and then I would either work full time as a minder or go back to teaching.

He earns a good wage and couldn’t really do my less to be able to pay our bills, I wouldn’t earn enough if I began to do more hours.

Seems we are stuck as we are😩