Appropriate for a member of staff?

[missjacks]

Hi
DS (16) came home today, he had been in a bit of bother at school and said that one of the members of staff had been really nice and supportive to him though. (I am really glad he is being supported at school so no issue there!)
He then said that the member of staff had played with his hair . I said what do you mean and he said she was telling me it would all be okay and then messed up my hair!!
AIBU to think this is inappropriate? It just doesn't sit right with me - but can any teachers comment - is this a normal thing for staff to do? Is it just a bit over friendly?

Dunno if he means she (he?) sort of patted/tussled it as they said that I wouldn’t be unduly worried. But if he was made uncomfortable then I would be.

A brief pat / ruffle would be ok I think (slightly over familiar but not really a worry) but any stroking / playing would be really inappropriate.

Sweet Jesus.

She messed up his hair/ ruffled it. Whilst supporting him and tried to make him feel better and lighten the mood.

No wonder teachers don't want to teach no more.

It's down to whether or not he felt uncomfortable about is, surely?

Technically, I agree, it's not entirely inappropriate. But people aren't robots. It's also not technically appropriate for a manager and a subordinate to touch - but when I got a phone call last year saying my mother was in the ICU a 2 hour flight away and might not make it long enough for me to get there and my boss gave me the biggest, fattest hug imaginable I couldn't have cared less. It was exactly what I needed.

So, really, did it help or did it make him feel awkward? That is the question, I would think.

Yabu-sounds like it was ruffled rather than caressed.

This happened to me all the time at school. Was never creepy, always meant with good intentions and to reassure.

Seriously. Where do people get the energy to complain about this stuff....

I teach primary children, it wouldn't even cross my mind to ruffle a child's hair? It's a bit strange and even more so to do it to a 16 year old!

I'm not exactly complaining, I'm just wondering how normal it is as it struck me as weird. He definitely wasn't complaining about it, as I said he was talking of her fondly, but it was just weird the way he said to me "and then she played with my hair". For him to mention it to me made me think he must have felt something about it - or why mention it!

yabu from the sounds of it. his annoyance is because his hair was messed up, not because he feels violated.

I quite often ruffle the children at preschools hair... would be very upset to think someone would think something ontowards of it!

Son age 9 had a health scare the other day and a teacher with the same condition took him aside and had a chat and ruffled his hair also in affection and honesty didn't see anything wrong with it.

Playing with someone’s hair is different to ruffling. Ruffling is quick and in passing and not intimate. Playing has connotations of lengthy twiddling whilst looking at someone and is intimate.

Quite possibly DS used word playing when meant ruffling and doesn’t know what playing with hair in a sexual sense is.

Sadly any physical contact can be misconstrued - a quick pat on back, arm round a crying child etc etc. Generally it’s best avoided but people aren’t robots and especially when dealing with upset people, brief touch is often part of being empathetic. But still best avoided if poss.

You could check what ‘playing’ involved and I suspect it was a quick ruffle.

He’s 16

Have you asked him what he meant by ‘playing with’ - I think his use of terminology brings something else to your mind than he might mean. Even 16 year olds do that.

Most 16 year olds would prob be aware that saying such a thing could provoke trouble, but maybe not all. It’s good he sounded positive about the help she had given him.

Playing with hair sounds sexual. Ruffling sounds like an adult trying to make a kid move on from something small that upset them. Don't get obsessively outraged at every well meaning action or we will live in a society with no well meaning actions. Be careful what you ask for.

'Any more '

What "doesn't sit right" with you? Do you think he is being groomed? Seduced? Flirted with?

He’s unconcerned, the staff member was being kind and supportive. Honestly why are you getting your knickers in a twist? Be glad that the teacher still has some humanity left in them despite the best efforts of governments (of both parties!) to sap it out of them.

I wouldn't have given it a second thought. Just glad that someone was nice to him.
Poor teachers.

I guess i'm just worried she is being a bit over friendly. I don't think he is being groomed or seduced!
I just think, fair enough to comfort a child when they are in trouble about something, if they are upset, but it seems a bit weird to "play with their hair". He said played with but as I said, when he described her "messing it up" it sounds more like a ruffle. I don't really want to re visit the conversation now because he will think I'm obsessing over something stupid, and that he shouldn't have told me.
Also, I think it is because he is sixteen that I am thinking more into it, ruffling hair seems more like something you'd do to a little boy?

Stop blinking thinking any more to this. For heavens sake, be glad the teacher was being human. Way too much concern and overthinking going on here.
We all need humanity more than ever these dark days.
Let it go and stop obsessing over it. Be glad your DS was treated with care and compassion.

I honestly despair.

Teacher ruffles child’s hair. Mother thinks it’s sexual (or at least that’s the vibe I’m getting from you).

Is it any wonder teachers are leaving in their droves?

I work in a primary school. My own children go there. Through their attendance every girl in school knows I can do a kick ass French braid.

Every playtime and lunchtime I have a queue of wee girls lining up with bobbles wanting me to plait their hair.

I’ve had no complaints

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