Appropriate for a member of staff?

[missjacks]

Hi
DS (16) came home today, he had been in a bit of bother at school and said that one of the members of staff had been really nice and supportive to him though. (I am really glad he is being supported at school so no issue there!)
He then said that the member of staff had played with his hair . I said what do you mean and he said she was telling me it would all be okay and then messed up my hair!!
AIBU to think this is inappropriate? It just doesn't sit right with me - but can any teachers comment - is this a normal thing for staff to do? Is it just a bit over friendly?

Yet again I despair...no wonder teachers are leaving in droves. 🙄

I'm a secondary school teacher and I actually wouldn't dream of ruffling a 16yo's hair. I think it's a very different matter at primary level (not sure I would do it there either, but it's less odd somehow). I also think that his reaction of saying she 'played with his hair' is telling at least as to how he took it. I agree with you, OP, that it's over-friendly.

OP it sounds like the teacher sees your boy as a child and so is behaving towards him as one. She wanted to offer some comfort, that is it.
I think it is unnatural to never touch people we care about and feel very fond of.

I teach secondary school and there have been some occasions where I have felt compelled to physically comfort a student. I don’t unless they initiate it, but I can’t tell you how difficult it is to have a crying teenage girl sitting across from you, or a boy with his head in his hands, and not reach out and give them a hug or put your hand on their shoulder. I’ve found this particularly since I’ve had children. It’s this overwhelming maternal desire to comfort a sad or upset child. I can imagine that this might be something she did without thinking. She might even regret it or be panicking about it, but it was just one of those things she did in an effort to be caring and reassuring.

I taught A-Level. I had a 16 year old girl crying, telling me that her dad had dementia and when she went to visit him he forgot who she was for the first time. I told her I'm so sorry and gave her a hug.

There was nothing to it other than one person watching another person in such sadness and wanting to offer some comfort.

I agree that if your sons hair was 'played with' it would be odd but he did change his description to 'messed up' when you asked him and I think you should take it as that unless something else happens.

As teachers we don't think 'that's a 16 year old', we see them as kids/young people and ourselves as the adults.

I agree that these things are often instinctive when someone is responding to someone in distress. However sadly I think it’s best avoided if at all possible - this thread shows the range of possible interpretations. Teachers need to protect themselves and this will mean sometimes they have to be less empathetic. It’s easy though for a teacher responding to someone in distress to find they touched a student without teally meaning to. Safeguarding advice acknowledges such actions happen. Safest thing is not to touch though.

Ops uncertainty about this, based on one brief comment (which she doesn’t feel able to follow up with DS for clarification) shows how things can become causes for concern. That’s the thing, a touch can be totally innocent but doesn’t sound it when described. Some parents or children object to the slightest touch in any context and some will make a big scene whether there’s a genuine issue or not. And that’s why it’s best to avoid touching at all even if it makes you more remote and less empathetic - you never know how events can be interpreted or reported or heard by others.

I just asked my daughter who is slightly older if any teacher would do that & she immediately said ‘That’s weird’. I wouldn’t be impressed if a teacher had ruffled her hair. If she was 5 it would be completely different.