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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To treat this as a one off?

65 replies

Shakeyitoff · 11/02/2019 11:06

I was out for a good few hours at the weekend and left my 5&7 year olds in the care of my DH. He agreed to attend something on my behalf and take the kids with him. I explained as he’d never been there before that he could leave the kids in the waiting area where he could see them and to take an iPad and packed lunch for them to keep them occupied while he concentrated on doing what he needed to do.

He told me when I got home that he’d left them in the private car park of the farm for an hour on their own with his iPad and checked on them once in that time. He would have been unable to see them.

AIBU to treat it as a one off, having told him to never do it again or am I minimalising and should I raise a concern with social services knowing it will probably be the end of our relationship. The sad thing is I wasn’t that surprised he’d done it. It was only telling a friend about it yesterday and her shock that had me thinking I’m minimalising things.

OP posts:
kateandme · 11/02/2019 12:09

No but I still don't get it I can't compute this bulshit you were going to report your husband to the social services .what did you think was going to happen next? Seriously no seriously I cannot get my head around this this what the fuck did you think was going to happen when you reported to own husband

EstrellaDamn · 11/02/2019 12:13

This thread is insane.

Sure it's not the best parenting decision. But he probably said 'right kids let's go' and they went 'oh dad please can we stay here watching the iPaaaaaaaad' and he thought it would be fine.

Which it was.

Calling SS on your own household is absolute fucking madness, what state is your relationship in if you treat him like some sort of internal enemy??

AryaStarkWolf · 11/02/2019 12:14

Imagine reporting to your DH to social Services for that

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 11/02/2019 12:14

Wasn't it freezing cold for them in the car though?
Also what if they had messed about with the handbrake?
Or just got out to look for dad or go to the loo and got lost or worse?
They are too young to be left in a car alone for so long. A quick 10mins max is fine but I personally wouldn't even do that.

Heronymous · 11/02/2019 12:16

Is he their dad OP?

Not sure how you possibly think your relationship could survive reporting him to ss. But if you do want to break up and he is their dad and you are concerned about how he would care for them on his own I can see how it would be relevant.

Antonin · 11/02/2019 12:16

If you report him to SS you could have your parenting assessed too. It would have to be consider whether you are a negligent parent unable or unwilling to protect your children from the neglect of their father.
Have a discussion with DH about it — what the risks are leaving your children unsupervised in those circumstances. It was probably a lack of imagination that led to him doing this.
Unless there is something else going on in the way of abuse etc SS is unlikely to take the matter any further .

PopGoesTheWeaz · 11/02/2019 12:16

Out of curiosity, what would you expect SS to do?

ApolloandDaphne · 11/02/2019 12:22

I am a social worker and i have no clue what you think SS would be able to do about this. Your DH made a parenting decision regarding his children that you don't agree with but he did nothing illegal. You need to have a discussion with him and ensure he doesn't do it again. That will be sufficient.

AngelaStorm73 · 11/02/2019 12:22

I think they'd be more concerned about your relationship than the kids, tbh

BrokenWing · 11/02/2019 12:24

Is he generally neglectful or was this a one off bad judgement call?

No idea why you would consider SS if it was a one off, that is seriously irrational thinking, maybe you should also consider your own ability to make good judgement calls!!

IncrediblySadToo · 11/02/2019 12:25

Your friend is a shit stirrer.

I wouldn’t have left them in the car where I couldn’t see them for an hour, but hell, it was common place in the ‘70’s. It’s not the end of the world, certainly nothing for SS to be interested in.

I’d have been pissed off with DH when there was a FAR better place for them to wait - and yes, it’s FINE for them to wait like that, better than fine actually as they need to learn that other people have things to do as well and the world does not revolve entirely around their interests. Boredom is no bad thing. Besides, as you say, there’s plenty going on for them to watch.

Original poster
Shakeyitoff · 11/02/2019 12:25

I wouldn’t think SS would do anything much, just make a note as I know they have bigger fish to fry. I doubt myself, mainly because of my friends response so looking for reassurance that my initial response of ‘never do that again’ was sufficient. I guess I also didn’t want anyone else reporting that they’d seen the kids on their own first, when I was aware of it and then been negligent in not saying anything and not protecting my children when I should be, comes in to it too. I have some understanding of social care and as their other parent whether I’m a protective factor comes in to things if something does go wrong in the future. I’m overthinking!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 11/02/2019 12:26

What is the difference between the waiting area and the car.

One you can see them but they could move when you don’t look the other you can’t see them but they are unable to run off

He changed what you did but it’s still the same principle

Dancinghorses36 · 11/02/2019 12:29

Just when you think you have read it all...Confused

TowelNumber42 · 11/02/2019 12:30

He draws the balance of risk line in a different place to you. Only in recent years would anyone have batted an eyelid at this.

Why is your friend getting all hyperbolic? Is there backstory?

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 11/02/2019 12:30

I wouldn’t think SS would do anything much, just make a note as I know they have bigger fish to fry

You might as well log it with 101 while you’re at it Hmm Social services doesn’t work like that. He made a poor judgement call but as you don’t seem to know what you want or expect from reporting it to SS why bother?

Nicknacky · 11/02/2019 12:32

I don’t think you have an understanding at all. They aren’t there to make notes of occasions where parents disagree.

StopMakingAFoolOutofMe · 11/02/2019 12:36

I don't think your friend is really your friend.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/02/2019 12:39

There must be a backstory here because surely nobody would call SS about their own partner for this?

Has he been slack before OP?

Original poster
Shakeyitoff · 11/02/2019 12:41

I don’t work in children’s social care but have contact occasionally. Anything phoned in would be logged but the decision would be taken not to action anything. So yes, they would make a note of it. OK initial reaction was correct. The difference between the car and the waiting area was that you can pop in and out, they can see you, you can see them and they can watch you. You’d also notice if they were abducted. I know, I know, the risks are small. We did a lot of things in the 70’s , it doesn’t mean they were right.

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 11/02/2019 12:41

Well if it's like our dog training. You can see the whole car park from training area and it's literally stones throw

LordPickle · 11/02/2019 12:42

What the actual fuck have I just read?! Report your DH to SS??? Are you on glue?

Nicknacky · 11/02/2019 12:44

It is not a logging service for parenting disagreements!

Raspberry88 · 11/02/2019 12:46

Just tell him never to do it again, easy.

This.

Actually sounds a bit like something my dad would have done! It's not great obviously but I can see why he did it...might have thought they'd be safer in the car rather than an open waiting room.

PBo83 · 11/02/2019 12:46

The car could have caught fire, been stolen......what a risk to take.
He's obviously not to be trusted with their care.

Damn those spontaneously combusting cars! Also...What if the car had been hit by a meteorite? Or Al-Qaeda decided to launch an unprovoked attack on a dog-training centre in the middle of the countryside?

Give me a break! I was left in the car for relatively short periods as a kid, no harm done (although it was a book, possibly a gameboy in my day). I'm sure he won't make a habit of it (particularly after the fedz come bursting through the door and arrest him for less-than-perfect parenting).

All sarcasm aside (and that was a lot, sorry, Monday morning). Surely talking to him (rather than a 'friend'/Social Services would be a far better resolution.