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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being oversensitive

41 replies

OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 11/02/2019 00:11

My husband works for himself and only does jobs here and there due to health. When he goes to work, he often checks in on me a few times a day which is fine. Sad to say, that due to a dispute between us where he thinks I had an affair (which is so ridiculously unfair because in 17 years I've never let another man touch/kiss me), he has cameras that he places around our yard. He says it's for security but I think he's just trying to catch me out.

That's the backstory - this morning he rang me on the home phone and got cranky immediately because he apparently called my mobile (video chat) and I didn't answer. I didn't answer because I was changing the bedsheets and didn't have the phone handy. He asked me to go and get my mobile so he could video chat me. Once we were on the call, he said "you're a nut" and I said "no, you are the nut". His response was "I'm the nut and you're the....." Sentence not finished.

I found this extremely offensive given the history but then, I'm maybe oversensitive. AIBU in getting very upset about this silly comment?

OP posts:

Crunchymum · 11/02/2019 00:21

You both sound pretty nuts!!

Not on a good way.

RonaldMcDonald · 11/02/2019 00:21

This is abusive.

Seek help to put your relationship in perspective

Crunchymum · 11/02/2019 00:21

blackteasplease · 11/02/2019 00:24

Sounds horribly abusive and controlling

Ribbonsonabox · 11/02/2019 00:24

This is abusive he sounds incredibly controlling. I'd run as far away as I could run tbh. This is not a healthy situation. If anything you are being under sensitive.

KC225 · 11/02/2019 00:24

Your relationship is unhealthy. I hope this is a joke as I fail to see how you can live like that.

Singlenotsingle · 11/02/2019 00:28

It sounds as though he expects to be able to speak to you, and SEE what you're doing, every minute of the day! He checks on you a few times every day "and that's fine"? No it's not. It's scary. Cameras in the yard? He sounds like a stalker.

HeddaGarbled · 11/02/2019 00:30

Never mind the silly comment - your husband is mentally unwell. You are OK with the paranoia, ludicrous and unfounded accusations, spy cameras and checking up on you several times a day but get upset about a stupid conversation? Wake up. THIS IS NOT NORMAL!

Mumsmistake · 11/02/2019 00:39

I was in a abusive relationship and didn't even realise how bad it was until I had to be taken away, you already know hes being unreasonable so you need to make the first move and show independents if I was you and know back then what I know now i'd try and have a chat and question why he dose not take your word for not doing anything watch his reaction. Look outside of the box what dose your family or friends think about this relationship and after he answer's your questions lay it down you won't keep being treated this way.
Sometimes a women needs to take back her ground even if you dont realises its been take away under your feet. Look at the biger picture

SearchingForSeaGlass · 11/02/2019 00:41

What a way to live.
Well you know what to expect if you allow this to continue, it'll just get worse.

Butchyrestingface · 11/02/2019 01:09

YABU to take the hump when you retaliated and called him a nut. If you think it's inappropriate to call people nuts, don't do it yourself.

You are doubly unreasonable to take the hump over something so trivial as mild name calling when your husband is a grade A fucking LOON.

Pick your battles.

Original poster

OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 11/02/2019 02:01

Butchyrestingface, I don't mind being called a nut in jest and neither does he. What I got upset about with was the rhyme he implied after that. It's possible that I read the wrong word into his blank word rhyme but I doubt if that's not what he was saying. If I was in fact a S*&T, then I probably wouldn't have gotten upset.
Thanks everyone for your comments. He has toned things down the last 6 months (except for the cameras), so his behaviour is better now that before. It's just little digs that I think are unnecessary reminders of the rubbish that has happened in the past.

OP posts:

Lovingbenidorm · 11/02/2019 02:15

Crazy shit 🤔

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 11/02/2019 02:19

Do you work OP? It does sound like he’s being controlling and I wouldn’t put up with cameras. But do you have a life away from him? Can you walk way?

Coyoacan · 11/02/2019 02:46

It's odd what some people will put up with. Personally I feel that if a man doesn't trust me, why would he want to be with me and vice versa.

Original poster

OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 11/02/2019 02:49

Justagirlwholovesaboy - I work casually on a contract that is remote so I work from home. We have two kids (11,13) and I don't really get out of the house much but that doesn't bother me as I'm a home body and we have a beautiful house/garden/pool to enjoy. Unfortunately, while things are much better than they were a 6 months ago, my DH still has insecurities so unless I need to go out by myself (to buy bday pressies, urgent groceries, visiting parents etc), I either take someone with me or don't bother. Before anyone cries 'Captive', I am definitely not held hostage in my own home but sometimes it is hard to get time to myself. I have thought about walking away but it would be very tricky. I have more equity in our home than he does (65/35) but I am the mortgage holder and nothing aside from an explosion would cause DH to leave the house. Also, he adores the kids and he'd fight me tooth and nail for our family home to be their main base. I have enough savings to move out into a rental until the house could be sold but not sure I could manage the rent + the mortgage/bills etc if he didn't pay it and he doesn't get regular income.

OP posts:

DameIfYouDo · 11/02/2019 02:52

I don't know the rhyme, but I assume it goes you're a nut and you're a slut?
The cameras, the accusations.

You've read the threads on here. You know what this is.
Question is.........
What are you going to do about it?

Original poster

OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 11/02/2019 02:54

Coyoacan - it is gut wrenching not to be trusted especially when you have done nothing wrong but my family values are very high and the kids don't see any of the silly stuff going on behind the scenes. They are happy, well adjusted kids and I would really hate to turn their lives upside down if I can do my best to prevent it. We are in regular counselling and they are giving us tools to try to manage our situation. Sometimes though, it's nice to get another opinion on whether I'm over sensitive or not because I've lost a lot of my rationalization skills over the last couple of years.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2019 03:25

Why are you putting up this with bullshit? You should rip those cameras down and tell him to go fuck himself. He is either very mentally ill or he is up to no good himself and projecting his guilt upon you. Either or, it is completely unacceptable.

burntdinner · 11/02/2019 03:31

Are you in the uk ?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 11/02/2019 03:33

What do your counsellors say about his abusive and controlling behaviour?

It doesn’t justify any of his behaviour, but what did you do in the past and why does he think it was an affair?

A court order could force him to leave.

burntdinner · 11/02/2019 03:33

Sorry posted too early

Are you in the uk ?
Do you have any friends in real life you can talk to who know him and ask their opinion on him?
Family ? Siblings , parents ?
You know how it is without asking on here , it's simple plain abuse
You need to make a plan and get out

Nikkik77 · 11/02/2019 03:44

If I was you I wouldn't take it to heart I'd talk to him and ask him outright, you can't go on getting checked up on and when you don't answer the phone he gets moody. It's not fair on you it's like mental abuse, he's the one who is insecure you guys need to speak to each other and sort stuff out, good luck love

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/02/2019 03:57

You are in regular counselling together I assume. I’m surprised the cameras haven’t been discussed, or have they? Take the cameras down or turn them off when you’re at home. Push against this.

I didn’t know the rhyme so was very confused by your op. This is not a nice way to live. Do you really want to put yourself through his imposes jail sentence for the rest of your life just to keep a nice house for the kids?

Original poster

OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 11/02/2019 03:58

To answer a few questions:
I'm in Australia.

Why did he think I had an affair?
100% insecurities on his behalf. I was working away for a year and the last week I was away, google showed a weird blip that made it seem as if I may have been somewhere I wasn't. That was cleared up quickly but it was like a trigger for him. Things escalated for 6-12 months. We are now at the 18 month mark.
What do the counsellors say:
They say, that they are there to help us get our relationship on track and not there to pass judgement. We have only been 3 times so far - still a long road ahead.
Support:
Family has never liked him much because he's a bit introverted compared to us. I used to tell them everything but it's difficult now because I don't want to worry them (and I don't want them to think I'm a nut). My mum is still with my dad and they are of the 'get married, see it out' generation. My closest friend passed away and most of my other/casual friends are parents of other kids at school. Certainly not something I would like to discuss with them.

For 16 years he treated me like a lady - on a pedestal to some extent.
Now, he is mostly ok but he shows no remorse for the nasty things (and I mean NASTY!) he has said over the last two years and he often slips up with silly comments that make me feel about the size of a walnut. My self-esteem is in repair mode but I am also in the early stages of menopause so sometimes I know I'm being irrational and emotional for no particular reason.
Sorry, that was a longer post than planned.

OP posts:

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