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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being oversensitive

41 replies

OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 11/02/2019 00:11

My husband works for himself and only does jobs here and there due to health. When he goes to work, he often checks in on me a few times a day which is fine. Sad to say, that due to a dispute between us where he thinks I had an affair (which is so ridiculously unfair because in 17 years I've never let another man touch/kiss me), he has cameras that he places around our yard. He says it's for security but I think he's just trying to catch me out.

That's the backstory - this morning he rang me on the home phone and got cranky immediately because he apparently called my mobile (video chat) and I didn't answer. I didn't answer because I was changing the bedsheets and didn't have the phone handy. He asked me to go and get my mobile so he could video chat me. Once we were on the call, he said "you're a nut" and I said "no, you are the nut". His response was "I'm the nut and you're the....." Sentence not finished.

I found this extremely offensive given the history but then, I'm maybe oversensitive. AIBU in getting very upset about this silly comment?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 11/02/2019 05:06

He sounds very controlling, the cameras are really invasive. You're not in prison op, but he's acting like your owner, not your husband.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/02/2019 07:23

Nah, you're not oversensitive, he's a crazy possessive jealous abuser.

And yes, I immediately jumped to the same conclusion as you did re. the rhyme.

WHich, if there is no truth in it, just shows what he still thinks of you.

You might actually be a homebody, or you might have just persuaded yourself you are because NOT to be would be just too difficult.

Unless he's got some crackingly good qualities in there as well that make it ok to live with this level of controlling abuse, then I can't see why you haven't already seen a solicitor to work out how you can split from him without being too financially disadvantaged.

I couldn't live under that level of suspicion!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/02/2019 07:26

Also, what do you think he would do if he thought he'd caught you out? Would he turn violent? He sounds as though his prized possession has been tarnished, and I'd worry about him trying to destroy it (you) if he felt it was now worthless.

Ohnonotuagain · 11/02/2019 07:35

His behaviour is not normal and the fact you allow him to watch your every move at home also isn't normal.

EvaHarknessRose · 11/02/2019 07:37

Experiment with going out anyway, on your own. His reaction and whether you dare will tell you everything you need to know about your minimisation and rationalisation.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 11/02/2019 07:38

I would say you're being under-sensitive. This is one small thing in a pattern of hugely unacceptable behaviour.

ThanosSavedMe · 11/02/2019 07:39

I’d be concerned that he’s the one playing away. Often when one party accuses the other with no evidence it’s a guilty conscience on their part.

There’s no way I would put up with that.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/02/2019 07:42

Bring called a but is not the problem. The fact that your husband is a controlling jealous and untrusting is the problem

Awrite · 11/02/2019 07:46

This is chilling. Utterly chilling.

He actually didn't trust you before if he was tracking you on Google.

Videos, demanding you answer on video call, knowing where you are at all times and the nasty name calling.

It's no way to live. And credit your kids with a bit of intelligence - you can't hide this abuse. You just can't.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/02/2019 07:47

I can't believe any counsellor anywhere would just accept and pass over the fact that he is filming you in your own home. The home you're not allowed to leave.

CherryPavlova · 11/02/2019 07:49

Nobody should make you feel the size of a walnut unless you’ve been on a very successful diet. Nobody should be using cameras in a domestic setting without full consent - so maybe elderly person afraid of falling. You shouldn’t be made to feel like a prisoner in your own home. You shouldn’t be isolated from your family and friends. It’s just not healthy for any of you. What messages is it giving the children?

Those pedestals are as controlling of women as the cameras!

He’s got too much time on his hands and needs to get out and work a bit more. If he focussed on himself and his flaws a bit more you might all be happier.

Singlenotsingle · 11/02/2019 12:41

You're a bird in a gilded cage, OP.

Babygrey7 · 11/02/2019 12:53

Good god this sounds like a horror movie script

This is not normal, at all.

Go out for a day, without explaining where or how long you'll be

See what happens

If you are too scared to do this, what does that say?!

Get out, run for the hills.

Your kids are not fooled by the way, they are just learning that this is a normal relationship Sad ....it is not

DartmoorDoughnut · 11/02/2019 13:04

So when he put you on a pedestal we’re you still going out/doing want you wanted when you wanted?

If yes and he’s just switched since the google error - why was he tracking you? - I’m guessing he’s punishing you for not ‘behaving’.

I’d also assume he’s had/is having an affair.

Either way he sounds like a total controlling wankbadger

Magenta82 · 11/02/2019 13:21

I would expect that people who are that controlling and suspicious are acting that way because they are untrustworthy and expect other people to act in the same way.
OP this is no way to live, it must be so stressful! Please speak with a lawyer, even if it is just to see what your options are.

Original poster
OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 11/02/2019 23:06

Aaargghh. This is doing my head in. Last year I went to see a dv counsellor. After 2/3 visits, she said that she didn't think she could do much to assist me as I seem to have it under control. I am not making excuses for my DH but I should point out that the cameras are outside. DH believes that someone has been in our yard on numerous occasions (initially these were accusations but now he says that he wants to be able to see if anyone is jumping the fence or accessing the yard). I don't usually ask where the cameras are (they can be moved) but he has assured me they are only outside (and I've checked a few times to make sure this is right).
Biggest challenge for me is that DH doesn't think he is doing anything wrong at all and when we discuss things, he says that there is nothing wrong with him and justifies his behaviour by saying that I used to do the same to him. He is sort of right. When we met, I had just come out of a 10 year relationship with a cheating snake so I had trust issues. I did do some checking from time to time because every so often I would find things like circled 'personal' ads in the local paper in his car and I got suspicious when I saw things like this. I never got cameras or voice recordings or anything to that extent but I did keep an eye on what he was doing to make sure he wasn't up to anything other than just following.
Maybe we are just as bad as each other.....
I know everyone is saying 'run!!!' and I'm hearing you all but I honestly don't know whether he's the crazy one or I am. I don't think I'm crazy but the whole thing has worn me down and I think there is a snowball effect in play. Eg I change my behaviour to make sure he isn't worrying about things and he sees this, knows I'm acting differently and reads something into it. I then sense his mood and it puts me into a mood etc
Thanks everyone for your comments and thoughts. I think I'll arrange a one on one visit with our counsellor and talk things out with her. :)

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