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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

husband wants the snip

29 replies

lovedbyted · 10/02/2019 23:06

I am having a really hard time accepting my husband wants a vasectomy. We are so blessed with a little boy and I would love more, probably just one more if I am being sensible!! He is so blunt when he says no and just says "I'll just go get the snip" and won't talk about it any more. This is such a big compromise for one of us and I am so unhappy but he just won't talk about it. I do everything for our LO, he has never gone out and bought one thing for him, I did every night feed, he has never washed or dressed him, he has reluctantly changed about 5 nappies in 6 months and maybe done 10 feeds (if I've made the bottles) He does love our boy he's just quite selfish and as he works believes his time is his and I think he thinks I have it easy all day! Anyway the point is, it doesn't feel like another baby would impact him much as I pay for and do everything. I bought everything in white first time round, the cot, moses basket, pram so wouldn't need to buy much if there was a baby no.2 anyway. I really feel like this could impact our future together as it is breaking my heart that I may never have a little brother or sister for my boy and I may never experience the joy of raising a baby again. Am I being selfish for thinking this could break our family.

OP posts:

Mamimawr · 10/02/2019 23:10

Tell him that's fine, you'll use a sperm bank nexr time. It seems that he'a acting like a sperm donor himself anyway! Does he play with your son?

Placebogirl · 10/02/2019 23:11

He is within his rights not to want more, and every child would ideally be a wanted child. You are within your rights to want more and to choose a different partner to have them with.

Nanny0gg · 10/02/2019 23:12

I'm sorry to say it sounds more like a single parent family. Your husband shows no interest in your DC and isn't at all an involved father. I'm not sure how he shows any love for him (or you).

How much did he want a baby in the first place?

Fabaunt · 10/02/2019 23:13

I understand why you’d be upset but it’s his body, his choice. He shouldn’t be forced to have any more children if he doesn’t want them.

Original poster

lovedbyted · 10/02/2019 23:13

sometimes, more when hes around family/friends which makes me so angry. He keeps saying he can't wait for him to be older so he can do things with him like fishing, boxing, ride bikes, he finds this stage a 'they just lie there and do nothing' stage (even though I think he's really quite advanced)

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 10/02/2019 23:14

There are plenty of (other) fish in the sea!

arethereanyleftatall · 10/02/2019 23:15

If you'd posted this from a 'my husband does nothing with the baby' angle, you'd get lots of comments telling you to not have another baby with this man.

Divgirl2 · 10/02/2019 23:17

This would be a deal breaker for me. I adore having a sibling and would love to have more kids, if DP decided that he was getting the snip he'd be getting a taxi home to an empty house after the op.

I mean your husband is absolutely within his rights to get the snip, and you are absolutely within yours to have more children. But you can't do both, not if you're staying in the relationship.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 10/02/2019 23:18

I think your husband is actually being realistic, given his (lack of) involvement with your child.

His actions and words are telling you loud and clear that he's not interested.

Original poster

lovedbyted · 10/02/2019 23:19

It doesn't bother me looking after my DS, I adore him and he is by far my proudest and greatest achievement. I spent my whole pregnancy worrying I would fail and he is thriving and I am in awe of him everyday so his lack of support raising DS isn't a huge issue for me, if he tried to help now I would probably feel like he is stepping on my toes a little!

OP posts:

Boulardii · 10/02/2019 23:20

To be fair, he Wouldn’t be the first man in the world who might struggle to connect with a baby, and then really come into his own as a parent once the child is walking and talking and interacting in a more definite way. With kids, the more you put in, the more you get out, but it is easier to get a response with a toddler.

The way you have described your situation will get loads of posts saying cut your losses, but I would give him a bit longer; see what happens when the child is older.

I’m not saying the situation is right, and ther may be underlying problems which are causing his lack of engagement, but 6 months is very young and things can change quickly.

zeroSum · 11/02/2019 03:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 11/02/2019 03:40

He might be struggling to connect with the baby but that doesn’t justify him doing none of the work. How much does he contribute to the house/cooking/laundry etc?

Don’t have another baby with him. Don’t pressurise him about the vasectomy.

My friend split from her lazy uninvolved ex and him having the children is a nightmare.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 11/02/2019 03:43

It sounds as though your baby is 6 months. They get a lot more challenging. Apart from the lack of sleep and any feeding issues at the beginning, babies are pretty easy. Don’t commit to effectively going it alone until you know what having a toddler+ is like.

Snowflakes1122 · 11/02/2019 04:22

Some dads struggle with the baby phase.

Your baby is only 6 months old, are you pushing the conversation of having another baby perhaps too soon?

kateandme · 11/02/2019 04:30

he can look forward to the good bits but a kid that hasn't had any time with hisa dad or made the connection wont want to do anything with anyone but his mum who bought him up thus far!
not being able to connect doesn't stop you doing your far share of the work.why would he want to be a dad again if hes never epxeriecned the joy of being on in the first place!?

Bumpitybumper · 11/02/2019 04:55

To be honest it sounds like you're willing to sell yourself and your DC short in the ruthless pursuit of having a family. Your husband is being incredibly unfair to both you and the baby and is also behaving so selfishly. Many people (including myself) find the baby stage boring and unrewarding, but that doesn't mean we just opt out of it altogether and leave our partners to do everything. What if things don't change when your son gets older, becomes more challenging and aware that his father is not making effort towards him? This could be really damaging to any father/son bonding and affect the child's self esteem. I know you keep insisting that you're fine with his behaviour and attitude, but I can't imagine that this is what you were hoping for when you fell pregnant.

Having said all of that, I do understand why you're desperate to excuse his behaviour and crack on with having another child. It's pretty common to want more than one child and to want those children to ideally be full siblings. If he has the snip or you confront his behaviour and he consequently leaves then this will deny you the chance of having a full sibling for your son and it may become more challenging to have two DC close together if that is your desire. Don't let this cloud your judgement though and push ahead in haste, he is currently proving to be a poor father/husband, his is repeatedly telling you both through words and his actions that he doesn't want anymore children and bringing a child into this situation would be very unfair on the new child and put you in a very vulnerable position.

MaverickSnoopy · 11/02/2019 06:42

Has he said why he doesn't want anymore children?

SouthWestmom · 11/02/2019 07:31

You said you pay for everything so are you working? Is it a money thing like childcare for two? Or you joe worrying now and himnpaying for everything??

Wallsbangers · 11/02/2019 07:54

Agree with PP that it sounds like he's having a tough time connecting with your baby, especially as you're in a period where they do relatively little but still need a lot of time! We had an argument at about 6 months because my husband never really played with our boy (he'd do the changing, feeding, dressing etc). It turned out he didn't really know how to or what was expected but he kept trying and now the two of them are inseparable.

I'd leave the talk of another baby and speak to him about his lack of engagement and how he can share the load more equally.

mrbob · 11/02/2019 08:01

You are not really a family though are you? You are a single parent with a lodger that you sleep with. In what way is he being a father?

Oysterbabe · 11/02/2019 08:02

You can't force him and it's too soon to be talking about it. Leave it alone and see if his feelings have changed in a year. You'll end up pushing him into a vasectomy if you pester him.

ShatnersWig · 11/02/2019 08:05

What discussions did you have with regards children before you got married?

SandyY2K · 11/02/2019 08:23

Gotta ask.... didn't you discuss the number of children before marriage?

Has he changed his mind?

Why are you paying for everything?

That in itself would piss me off tbh. I'm not sure I'd want more DC with such a man anyway.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 11/02/2019 08:27

Agree he night not have bonded with the baby. But it sounds like he's not even tried. And this does not in any way absolve him of the responsibility of doing some of the work! Some people find babies hard to talk to etc but it sounds like he won't even do the basics - feeding nappies and even more worryingly, paying for him. How do you manage to pay for a baby and how would you manage with two? Unfortunately this is a really hard thing to compromise on but to be honest I can't see why you'd choose him for a dad for your next baby. Yes I know you love being a mum but if you asked kids what their preference would be, it would usually be an involved mum and an involved dad, not someone who doesn't want to do anything for them or with them or support them financially

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