Neighbour behaviour what do u think AIBU

[Acalavero]

Hi please bare with me haven't used MN in ages had to make new account,

Ok for years on/off we have lived next door to elderly couple, they mostly talk to SO. I say hi now n then but he got on with them
Elderly man passed away few weeks ago, so the woman who again is friendly with SO cane round to tell him, I'd say she's 60- could be younger, anyway since her partner has passed away she's been non stop talking to my SO.
She completely IGNORES me, example when she came round to tell us about the death my so answers the door I could hear her talking so I came to the door and offered my condolences she heard me but didn't say a word n carried on taking to SO! For at least an hour
She now keeps coming round n talking to him for ages, SO says she's prob just feeling lonely now she also took his number (which she said was to inform him of funeral )
So she rang him at work n told him funeral is two weeks. He can't make it as he is working away so offeredto take her out for a meal!
Ok so far, is this odd? Then yesterday evening she spoke to him again outside - they always speak outside which is weird too doesn't ever seem to want to come in COs I'm there? Has also never bothered with our kids which always bugged me but is happy to talk for hours to so even tho he is losing time with kids/family
So she's come out and said she bought her partner some port when he went through cancer n they never got round to drink it so she's said she wants my SO and his dad to go round and drink it with her, she said it would be better as wouldn't be ideal with kids so basically saying she doesn't want me there!!!
I find it very odd. I'm a nice person but always been quite shy so I admit that through the years I never had any convos with her just hi and byes but still I just can't understand why she doesn't want me there? Iv never done anything wrong to her but she treats me like I don't exist almost and SO is a single man.
To make matters worse I tried to voice some of this to SO and he brushed it off saying she'd just lost her partner so she must feel lonely. Ok I get that so why can't she talk to me then instead of just taking to SO and only wanting to socialise with him? I feel very hurt. SO gives her a lot of time even sometimes getting out the car n speaking to her for ages whilst I'm inside cooking n sorting the kids! Just find it a tad weird, another comment he made was he described her as attractive - there was an advert on tv showing an elderly woman n I said she looks like our next door neighbour he was taken aback at the comment n said "she may be old but she is attractive and nice looking"

AIBU?

SO = significant other???

It definitely sounds like she's only interested in talking to him and is being quite rude to you.
And he seems to like it.

@RedHatsDoNotSuitMe

Yes sorry SO is significant other -were not married so can't call him dh lol

So glad I'm not being paranoid? Really thought I was!

Special one?

Weird, what age are you both? 60 is not elderly fgs

She's just lost her husband. I say cut her some slack and then some more. Maybe she is a bit deaf, have you gone out if your way to talk to her yourself? Why don't you pop over and invite her over for a cup of tea occasionally, when SO is at work or whatever.

From another perspective her partner has just passed away, she's presumably grieving and finding a bit of comfort in speaking to your DP who has by your admission chatted to them for years. If you've never really spoken to them before then why would you expect her to strike up a friendship with you now?

To be honest it really reads that you're worried the old lady (who husband just died from cancer) next door is trying to get her claws into your DP. Potentially also his dad too 😕

We are both in our early 30s

The neighbours partner was 84 , she said she's quite a bit younger than him but never said her age. I think she's 60.

The thing is tho I have tried talking to her more since her partner died n she still ignores me. I find it odd Because I'm generally a nice person, I always smile n say hello. I don't see a reason for her to dislike me but she definitely does not acknowledge me

Also, the fact she's invited SO and his dad round to drink is a bit odd to me. Why not invite as a whole family?

Perhaps she senses that you don't like her or that you call her elderly. 60 is not elderly.

60 isn’t elderly.

Ok , age aside. Is it odd?
I'm saying elderly as her partner was 84 so I always thought she was a similar age until she told partner that there was a big age gap between them.

She has no children or family so I do feel sorry for her but find it unreasonable how she's attached herself to SO

I would have said 60 isn't elderly, but I see that has already been mentioned

Some people act very strangely after someone has passed away. This can last for some time. Your neighbour may not realise that she has offended you in any way. I would give it some time and see what happens. I think that it is kind that your SO has offered a kind ear at this time.

Maybe she is being friendly with your partner in the hope she can rely on him to do handyman things around her home or that she feels safer knowing she could call on him in a scary situation. Maybe she doesn't get on with women, I dunno why she ignores you but you have your youth, hopefully health and your partner, surely you can lend some of his time to her?

SO - would normally be dp on mumsnet , just to clear up confusion .

I can understand her inviting only your SO and his dad round to drink the port. It doesn't sound a v child-friendly occasion and perhaps she thought inviting you without the dcs would mean you'd have to find a sitter. If she had designs on your SO, surely she'd have just invited him on his own. Btw - I doubt v much that a 60 yr old, recently widowed, would be thinking in those terms about a 30 yr old.

Otherwise, yes, it is odd that she ignores you. But I'd let it go. It seems that she and her late husband have always had more to do with your SO than with you. She must be feeling dreadfully lonely. I agree with Life. It must be reassuring for her to think she could call on your SO to help her out.

Maybe its because SO was friendly with her husband, so talking to your SO, drinking port with him etc is like a way of keeping her husbands memory a bit more alive, it gives her an excuse to get to talk about him, share memories etc. You've never really talked to them much so you wouldn't have stories to share. She's very recently lost her husband, she has probably had enough of people making an effort just because of that, whereas your SO has always chatted to her. The only thing I think is weird is your reaction to it.

(as for the age, I'm 30, I'd consider 60 old, not quite elderly but that is twice my age - and older than my parents. Much like when I was 18 I thought 30 was ancient.)

To not even acknowledge your presence after you spoke and stood there for an hour was incredibly rude. By focusing totally on your partner that day, she was making a nonverbal statement that you were to be excluded, and he agreed and allowed it. They have continued to exclude you, and seem to be developing an emotional connection.

It is troubling that she also ignores you when your husband isn’t around and you speak.

Your husband wants to exclude you, and is minimizing your concerns to make you back off.

FWIW, I’ve known several attractive 60 year olds who have dated men in their 30s and 40s. Do you think they have been interacting before now?

(as for the age, I'm 30, I'd consider 60 old, not quite elderly but that is twice my age - and older than my parents. Much like when I was 18 I thought 30 was ancient.)

Slightly derailing here but just adding perspective on age... Generally, 'elderly' is defined as 65+, however my 70-something parents still call themselves 'middle aged'! I supposed they're biased (), however I wouldn't call 60 'old' these days.

People can sense if others are being nice or just polite. She seems sad and lonely and has attached to your OH, it’s not as if it’s cheating, he is being a good man. If you want to tell him to stop do so. Or you could try to bond with her, maybe she doesn’t trust females

Ok, I see where they’ve been friendly previously. Nevertheless, she should not be blanking you, and they should not be totally excluding you. He knows that this bothers you, but minimizes your concern while telling you how attractive she is. He is enjoying their connection and this ego-boost that is going on in plain sight.

She is 60, or perhaps in her 50s, and attractive. She was very much younger than her ill 84 year old husband. She and your husband likely became close before her husband’s death. I wouldn’t be comfortable with this situation in light of her refusal to acknowledge your existence, their excluding you while “talking for ages,” and his dismissing your feelings and deflecting your concerns.

When is their date?

In my time, I'm 50, I've met a very few women who quite simply aren't interested in interacting with other women. For whatever reason, they always focus exclusively on men. And like the OP's neighbour, when in the company of a male/female couple, they will completely blank the woman and only look at and talk to the man.

My theory is that, for some reason, they don't see women as having any intrinsic value, and only seem to value themselves if they have a man's attention.

Seeingadistance
My mother is as you describe. She sees her value exclusively reflected in men and I learnt this from her. She placed little value on me. As an adult, I know differently.

Acalevero
It sounds as though your dp is basking in the glory of his manhood. Yes, that would really piss me off too. He is being very dismissive of your feelings.

How is he normally on that front?

I'd be pissed off with this.

I think it's odd .

You said more than once in your post that you never really talked to either of them, beyond hello and bye. Maybe she’s wondering why you’re now so interested in having a conversation? Or maybe she just thought you were rude before, when your DP has obviously been more interested in getting to know them.