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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trusting partner with baby

28 replies

MelissaHoney22 · 10/02/2019 20:52

Don't even know how to write this..my baby is nearly 4 months old. I cant trust my partner to care for him for long periods of time. When I'm at home he has shouted at the baby for crying. Sometimes leaving him wherever he is or if he does pick him up if he doesn't call down straight away or doesn't calm to "watch tv".
Partner ignore him if he is playing on his phone or watching tv. When i ask him to see to the baby I just get negative comments. Or he says to the baby shut up there's nothing wrong with you.
He left him in his chair/bouncer without straps done up.
When he has been screaming he just put him up in cot as he says he can't stand the screaming.
I feel I cant go back to a work in a couple of months on nights as he has never woke for baby when he cries in the night even when i had woke him he says shut up you deal with him.
I dont know what to do? I think baby's needs won't be met. Any advice? I am also considering leaving

OP posts:
Biancadelrioisback · 10/02/2019 20:54

Have you discussed all this with your partner?

Seeingadistance · 10/02/2019 20:55

From what you say here, I think leaving might well be the best option for your baby and for you.

Do you have other support, OP? Family nearby?

littlecabbage · 10/02/2019 20:56

I wouldn't leave him alone with your child either. He sounds awful. Not surprised you are thinking of leaving him. Your poor, innocent baby deserves better.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 10/02/2019 21:03

He sounds horrible. Both my exdp’s were brilliant with our dc. To the point I had to say to them sometimes ‘leave them to cry a little they may go straight back to sleep’- you know when they are sleeping, then have a little cry in their sleep, then suddenly stop and carry on sleeping. They both hated them crying, and wanted to cuddle and sooth them immediately. They were being a dad and wanted to be there for their child. You dp sounds the complete opposite. I couldn’t be with someone like that. Someone who blamed a tiny human for needing something, and wanting to feel safe and secure. I would never leave a baby with a person like this. Never ever.

Helsvamp · 10/02/2019 21:06

Maybe he might have postnatal depression maybe he should go doctors. As men can get it too.

Oysterbabe · 10/02/2019 21:08

There's no way I'd leave him with the baby. I'd be too worried it would end up like one of those horrific stories on the news of the baby being shaken in temper. I also couldn't continue a relationship with someone who would treat a tiny baby that way, although access could become problematic.

Original poster
MelissaHoney22 · 10/02/2019 21:09

Yes I have. He just shrugs it off and says he's my son and can be left with him. I also say rather than just watching tv that he needs to try other things like playing. Which he doesn't do. On occasion he does make noises and faces but that's it

OP posts:
Bloodybridget · 10/02/2019 21:09

I wouldn't trust someone like this with a baby for any length of time at all. Nor would I want him living with me and my baby.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/02/2019 21:11

He sounds negligent and abusive.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 10/02/2019 21:11

Maybe he might have postnatal depression maybe he should go doctors.
Has he bollocks got PND. He's a lazy arse who needs to step up.

Original poster
MelissaHoney22 · 10/02/2019 21:14

So glad you all generally agree I thought maybe it was just me being over the top. Baby is happy with him though when there interacting. I understand all babies cry and need to be left sometimes. But when the cries go to screams he says he can't deal with it. He is also aware our baby possibly has a hernia so any excess cry can worsen it.
I am also worried about access once split as I dont trust him with baby.
But too all health professionals he acts the perfect dad. Asks all right kinda questions

OP posts:
bobstersmum · 10/02/2019 21:15

He sounds like a total arse, op, if you have any family please tell them about this and go and stay with them until you get sorted, or make your partner leave, he doesn't deserve either of you.

Cremeeggsareforever · 10/02/2019 21:18

He could well have post natal depression. Why are people so quick to dismiss the possibility? But no, I would 100% not leave a baby with this guy.

boomboom1234 · 10/02/2019 21:18

Do you have family you can go and stay with? Sounds like you need to talk about this with people who know you and him and really think what's best for the baby.

Original poster
MelissaHoney22 · 10/02/2019 21:19

I have left him for odd hour once a week as I know I've fed baby before I've gone and nappy changed. As he appeared to get better. Ive even thought about leaving a phone on so I can hear what is going on

OP posts:
Yidette86 · 10/02/2019 21:21

Let's not ignore the possibility of PND, or he could be just an ass but would we be so dismissive if it was a woman?

What was he like before OP? Has he always been short tempered? What was he like when you were pregnant?

He needs help either way if he's going to be a better father for your child and he can't carry on like this, I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable with leaving a baby with him at this stage. You need to discuss with him your concerns and if he doesn't take it on board and work on it then you have your answer.

Original poster
MelissaHoney22 · 10/02/2019 21:22

I've wanted to split and tried to but he won't leave. In fact he tells me to leave and that he would physically stop me from taking baby

OP posts:
ethelfleda · 10/02/2019 21:22

I cannot abide by people who treat small babies this way. It is disgusting. Your baby is 4 months old. Poor defenceless little thing who desperately needs love and security right now and your partner is behaving like a complete dick.

Original poster
MelissaHoney22 · 10/02/2019 21:23

Only way I can get out is to go to family but apparently housing won't help as I left.

OP posts:
Original poster
MelissaHoney22 · 10/02/2019 21:28

When i was pregnant I was working 3 jobs to keep money coming in as he kept looking his - never his fault. He helped a little more round the house after me nagging. He locked me out the house which he denies when i wanted us to split. When ive stayed at a relatives he said he would let my dog/cat out. He went off one evening after an argument I did go looking for him I dont know why tbh at 40 weeks preg.

OP posts:
Original poster
MelissaHoney22 · 10/02/2019 21:30

Im going to have to give my dog up when i leave too. I know some people find this easy but i don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
MelissaHoney22 · 10/02/2019 21:33

Now he is earning an ok ish wage. He said he will take me court to get decent access. Im not saying I want to stop baby seeing his dad but i don't trust him with him. When he has his other children he just leaves them playing on tablets obviously my baby isn't old enough hence the worry.

OP posts:
FlibbertyGiblets · 10/02/2019 21:50

Sweetheart ring your health visitor tomorrow and tell her all your concerns. He or she can help you.

Don't tell your partner that you're seeking help.

He sounds vile, I'm really sorry.

Original poster
MelissaHoney22 · 10/02/2019 22:11

I have spoken to h.v. she basically implied it's better to go separate ways. But when i said about access she said she hasn't witnessed anything only what she's been told by me. So if he took me to court she would basically be mutual

OP posts:
Lolkittens5 · 10/02/2019 22:15

Hi, not sure if you meant to name change but it looks like you’ve posted with both names. xx

Four months is still early I wouldn’t write off your relationship entirely yet!