To think grandparent favouritism is really shitty?

[wakeupfishy]

My sister was the favourite child which my parents have always made glaringly obvious. However now they've passed this on to the grandchildren..

My DS was the first grandchild and they were pretty full on at the start which I accepted as their excitement and welcomed them to build a strong relationship with him but now that my sister has had a baby and he's hit the terrible twos they don't seem to give a shit anymore.

Every minor thing he does is followed with eye rolling at each other and huffing because I don't agree with their approach to discipline. He also has extremely poor hearing and very limited speech as a result. Awaiting surgery for this.

Explaining right and wrong to him is a little more challenging but I definitely don't let him run wild and do whatever he wants.

For the first time in over a year they offered to watch both dc this weekend for 2 hours so that DH and I could go out for breakfast and have a decent conversation for once. Unsurprisingly they bailed and we're both suddenly at deaths door, unable to see dc in case they passed anything on.

I was sceptical but thought ok, m shit happens and fair enough they told me so as to not pass anything on to dc.

I told them I hope they feel better and to rest up, let us know if they need anything etc. And found out through another source that they were babysitting for my sister that afternoon which they failed to mention.

I just feel so bad for my dc that one day they will be old enough to notice the different treatment between cousins and I'm so worried about how it will make them feel because it's certainly made me feel really shit over the years.

Given that they're grandparents I hope they won't be that bothered but it's hard to say.

I feel like we've got no choice but to distance ourselves from them now and focus on the wonderful relationship dc have with my in laws.
AIBU for doing so?

Would you feel the same?

I’ve been the child in this situation and it’s shit, we live about an hours drive from my grandparents and we only saw them once a year and only when we drove to see them, they’ve literally never been to my parents house in the 30 years they’ve lived there.

However my cousins who live abroad in a nice sunny climate get regular visits from grandparents and big gifts for birthdays and Christmas, I don’t even get a birthday card.

I would say to pull back from them so if they notice the disparity when they’re older you can at least say that they favour their cousins because they see more of them.

Pull back. Treat them as distant relatives.

I agree with PP. pull back and let them notice, or just bring it up with them as sounds rather shit of them tbh

I don't think YABU at all, I think you're self-preserving by distancing yourself and that's totally understandable. I'm in the process of reducing contact with my parents, their favouritism for my sister, and by extension her husband and her child, is glaringly obvious. It's not the main reason I need to distance myself, but it doesn't help. I don't have any advice, but I totally sympathise. All I have tried to do is take their method of parenting and use it to inform my own, in that I try so very hard to not be like them. I'm lucky in that I have wonderful PIL, although their normal behaviour does highlight my parents' negative behaviour quite a bit.

Agree with the pulling back. That's horrendously shitty of them to lie to you about being unwell but making a miraculous recovery in time to babysit for your sister

To a lesser extent we have this with my in laws. My son is the last grandson of five, so maybe the novelty (as awful as that sounds) has worn off for them. However, I also have a DSS who was the first of the grandkids and I see a remarkable and noticeable difference in the way my two are treated compared to the other three. Parties are held for them at birthdays, cakes sourced or made, entertainers brought and paid for. Presents brought throughout the year, trips out with plenty of pocket money. My DH had a rather terse chat with his Dad a year or so ago that whilst we appreciate our son at 2 isn't probably going to benefit from the science museum, DSS would love it. And if DS can't go to these things, would they consider doing something with him that he would enjoy rather than him having markedly less time with his grandparents? It's all fallen on deaf ears.

We've distanced ourselves a bit, I speak to in-laws more than DH does and provide updates, but I'm always short and to the point. My family has a far closer relationship with my side, including my DSS.

I have an incredibly similar situation but between my own dds

Dd1 first grandchild was an easy baby and at nearly 5 very independent now so easy to take shopping or swimming they take her out every chance they get (or used to I put a stop to it) used to have weekly sleep overs has mountains of clothes and toys brought for her they pay for swimming lessons and take her ect

Dd2 has a cleft, her hearing is awful so is her speech and understanding at 2 1/2 she's spent less time with her gps than my dog who they watch twice a year for 2 mornings a time, she's been returned from 3 sleepovers by 11 and that's only because I was working till then and they try everything they can not to watch her if they take her sister

I did think maybe they were done with baby's/ toddlers having 4 grandkids between 5 and 1 but they dote on the youngest and have her most days so iv reduced contact and we always habe plans when they ask if eldest is busy

It's all very well saying cut ties but actually it deeply deeply hurts when this happens.

My dad's mum did this to us. Haven't spoken to her now in 6 years.

She would happily spend moneu travelling to New Zealand to see my cousins and buy them gifts yet she said driving an hour to us was too stressful

Did you not ask them about the babysitting? I would've done.

Not at all. I think you're well with in your rights to pull back.

I'd also be tempted to send a text message saying I was glad to hear that they had gotten better by the afternoon but that's just me!

I couldn’t let this lie to be honest.

The last minute cancellation I’d cope with but the lie is too much.

I’d probably send a passive aggressive text along the line of ‘glad you recovered enough not to pass your illness to xxx this afternoon - they’re so lucky to have such caring grandparents’ and then basically leave them all to it.

I had two children with EXDH, they thought the sun shone out of his backside.

We split up and I became pregnant with a mixed race child (DS2) I didn’t stay with the father.

My DSIS has two boys.

Every Christmas and birthday DS2 who is now 17 gets slightly less than the other 4 grandchildren.

Have you told them you know they were looking after your sister’s kids? That’s really shitty of them.

I have this situation just now except with MIL who’s interested in my elder son but not my younger one. She wants to see elder DS who’s 4 but never even asks about younger DS who’s nearly one

She said to me that she loves having DS over to spend the night and I replied that it wouldn’t be long before younger DS wanted to join him and she made a face and said “oh no, they’ll be wanting to do separate things like my boys did.”

Sounds similar to what me and my DH are going through with my parents.
I keep saying that I will distance myself from them, but I think it will hurt me to much as I know they wouldn't care, and I'll be feeling horrid because they are my parents and my children's grandparents.
I just don't know what to do.

I would deffinately not let the babysitting issue go though, why were they not honest with you?
It probably won't matter to them that your hurt by it and they were found out, but it might make you feel a bit better.

We have a similar issue with DH’s mother, the only grandchildren she voluntarily spends time with or speaks about are SIL’s children. The reasoning for this is that she is closer to her daughter so therefore closer to her children. She actually said this to DH - her son. My take on it is that she uses this as an excuse, she’s made herself closer to them because she ignores the others. We all live very close so definitely not a distance issue.

DH is the sort of person who buries his feelings, I’m not. I’ve tried so many times to speak to DH about it, he hadn’t told me he’d actually tried to bring this up with his mum so I assumed he just wasn’t bothered whereas I was. But she’d actually said this to him, he was so upset he just buried it and it’s not something we can really speak about because it’s upsetting for him.

I’m sad my boys miss out on a proper relationship with their grandparent, at this point I’ve given up and there was a situation at Xmas where we pretty much forced her to visit us (we’d offered to go there but it didn’t fit with SIL). We haven’t seen her since. I honestly don’t know what to do next so I’m basically doing nothing.

It’s a weird situation, she’s a nice person, I just don’t understand why she doesn’t want to see our children. I don’t have any advice but it might help to know it goes on with other people too.

I had a very similar situation to Guineapiglet345 but it never bothered me at all tbh.

The cousins lived nearer and saw a lot more of GPs so had a much closer relationship. We saw them once a year and that was just the way it was, it's only since I've got older I've realised that they only lived an hour away and could have made the effort to come over but clearly never did.

My cousins got presents over the years that I didn't and did pretty well out of the GPs will. I guess it was unfair but it never occurred to me that it should be different.
Maybe they were just dickheads?

I doubt your kids will be scarred for life.

didnt u say anything about them babysitting for your dsis

maybe they feel out of their depth with your sons needs-i know thats not excuse for lying just that it might not be as simple as they prefer the others

It's an age thing. The oldest (usually) is the favoured one. The gps can't help it, but they shouldn't make it obvious.

Same situation here. MIL hugely favours SIL and by extension her son. My DS is a distant second.

I had it out with MIL last year, which ended pretty horribly. However, she has made a tiny bit more effort.

My family are wonderful on the other hand. I plan to leave it until my son is at an age to notice his cousin is favoured and then pull back. It is hurtful though, I sympathise.

It's a bit rubbish but i do think the relationship you have with your parents does to some extent affect the relationship they have with your kids. The only thing i would say is have you considered all sides? Does your sister need more help than you e.g. if she's a single working mother or something who doesn't have the extra support it sounds like you have with your inlaws? Even if that is the case tho they should still make an effort to keep things as even as possible.

It really is shitty. We have this with my in laws. For example this week they are looking after our DNiece and Nephew for a week whilst SIL goes on yet another foreign holiday with her new boyfriend whereas my DD hasn’t seen them since Christmas.

Distance is definitely not an issue here either.

I would talk to your parents, or if you can’t send them a letter telling them how you feel and that if they are not prepared to treat all the grandchildren the same you will need to cease contact so that as your children grow older they won’t be upset by their behaviour

I second the PP who said to pull back. If it's any consolation your DC have lovely parents who won't play favourites so they're likely to not be that bothered about what their grandparents are doing. It's likely to be you who's (completely understandably) hurt by their behaviour.

I also think it's absolute rubbish that the eldest is always the favourite and GPs can't help it. It's not the case in my family or any other family I know.

I had this with my grandparents on my mum's side. My aunt was the favourite, my mum was a nuisance. I was the favourite as the first grandchild, my youngest cousin another favourite as he was the only boy. My sister and my other cousin didn't get any attention. I would get treated to days out shopping when they did decide to see us (couple of times a year) whilst my sister stayed at their house with my grandpa.
Over the years my mum has distanced herself to save her sanity, and my sister and I have also distanced ourselves as we could see the favouritism and we didn't like it (I was praised for good grades, my sister told she didn't do well enough even though she got better grades than me).
Things have changed now, my female cousin has now replaced me as one of the favourites as she gave them great grandchildren first. Fine by me as I never liked being the favourite. I live the closest to them (10 mins walk), but they don't bother with me, even though I have a son now as well. All I get is a flying visit when it's his birthday or Christmas, where they pester me to send them photos of my son so they can show him off to their friends. But they won't even come into the house to actually see him and spend time with him. Oh well, their loss.