Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To reconsider Shared custody

30 replies

Dippypippy1980 · 10/02/2019 14:34

Okay I may just be feeling jealous and insecure but

My husband and I separated when our daughter was one. We decided the best thing for her was 50-50 custody. It hasn’t been easy, but we have more or less made it work, until now.

My ex has a new girlfriend - they have been together since October and it is very serious very fast. While they don’t officially live together, my daughter (who is now six) says she stays there most nights she is with her dad. This lady has two children’s of her own, and she has become very involved in my daughters live, my ex seems to be taking a back seat now someone else is stepping up. I feel like I am sharing custody with her not him. We each pay half of our childminders bill, and she collects our daughter from school. The new girlfriend is a stay at home mum, so my ex cancelled half the childminders hours without telling me beciase his girlfriend will now look after our daughter on his days.

My daughter had a medical appointment on Friday that my ex was supposed to take her to, when I rang for a read out he told me his gf had taken her and he would get her to bring me up to speed! I am afraid I lost my temper and said she wasn’t a parent and should not have taken our daughter to the appointment. She doesn’t know her medical history - and I was surprised the doctor even talked to her.

To be fair, I have been in a relationship for three years. I waited a year to introduce my bf to my daughter, and it was another year before he moved in. My ex put a lot of rules in place and I have done my best to respect them. My boyfriend would be ever take my daughter to the doctor or go to a parent teacher meeting.

My daughter is unhappy that she has to stay with this new family - and often either sleep on the sofa or a blow up mattress.

Our arrangement is not formal - we havent actually divorced yet. I am starting to wonder if I should try to change the custody arrangement to weekends for him?

Sorry this turned into a very long rant. As I said, I understand I would react badly to a new woman in my child’s life, but this seems so much so fast - this lady really seems to be overstepping.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 10/02/2019 14:46

I agree it's not that there is a new partner it's that she's doing the bulk of the parenting and your DD isn't happy and doesn't seem to have her own bed and space where she spends near enough 50% of her time...

Bluebell878275 · 10/02/2019 14:50

Hi..I'm all for sharing etc and I do think a step-parent could eventually help out with these sorts of things...but I think this is definitely an over-step on her part. I would not be happy about that either. I don't read that it's been done to wind you up, I think she's so used to doing it with her own children and realistically she has been spending a lot of time with your daughter by now, she probably thought she was helping. A bit mis-judged though really.

Perhaps a calm chat with your ex? You don't want bad feelings to start but at the same time it is too soon for her to be getting involved with doctors appointments.

Bluebell878275 · 10/02/2019 14:57

Apart from the appointment issue though, your daughter doesn't have her own bed? I don't think that's good enough for 50/50..she's going to hate that as she gets older.

Lovewineandchocs · 10/02/2019 14:57

I agree about the calm chat with your ex. Also, what rules did he put in place about your partner? If you’re still expected to stick to them, and have done so, it’s worth pointing out that the same rules should apply to his partner. I don’t think he should have cancelled half the childminder’s hours without discussing it with you either-maybe there will be times his girlfriend needs to take her kids somewhere and it won’t always suit for her to look after your DC. I think he needs to step up. The key issue is that your DC isn’t happy spending 50% of her time at a house where she doesn’t have proper space, so maybe it is worth revisiting arrangements as the DC’s welfare is paramount in these situations.

Ethel80 · 10/02/2019 14:58

This woman is definitely overstepping. Taking her to a medical appointment is really out of order.

Also, he should not be changing childminder hours without discussing it with you! Apart from anything what's he going to do if they split and the childminder has filled your spot?

I think I'd want to discuss it properly with him and lay down some rules. I'd also want to make it formal ASAP. You've been apart 5 years, it's time to get divorced.

Ethel80 · 10/02/2019 14:59

I missed the bed thing, why doesn't she have her own bed where she spends 50% of her time?

Original poster

Dippypippy1980 · 10/02/2019 15:00

My ex is very all or nothing.

When we first started dating he made a huge deal about his family ‘giving me my place’. I am mortified when I look back, his sister in law had just had a baby and he threw a temper tantrum when his brother asked for immediate family only on the first visit. He then made us visit within an hour or hyphen faking the baby home (unannounced) so I would see the baby at the same time as the other aunts. We had been dating for about six months. Looking back I am sure his sil hated me!

So he will insist this lady is given her place with my daughter. I suppose I could say to her that there are hints I am uncomfortable with - and medical appointment and talking to her teachers are on that list.

But should I co parent with her? Or should I change the custody arrangement?

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 10/02/2019 15:02

Before you go to the nuclear option of asking to change the shared care routine (and it would be ask as it’s no your unilateral decision than his).
I think you need to talk to him about things.

Remind him that he had lots of rules for your boyfriend and he needs to communicate better with you regarding his girlfriend.

That you aren’t happy with him cancelling the childminder, what would happen if his gf could no longer donut and the child minder didn’t have space for DD?

And that it’s unacceptable he hasn’t taken DD to her drs appointment and left it to his gf

TBDO · 10/02/2019 15:04

50/50 worlds best when there is cooperative parenting. Changing childcare with no discussion is not cooperative.

Your DD not having a bed and space in the home she spends 50% of her time in isn’t good for her - she must feel like a guest in what is supposed to her home.

Could you do some form of mediation to work out what’s best for your DD? Or would be be defensive and say everything is ok?

Ethel80 · 10/02/2019 15:05

You're not co-parenting with her, you are with him. I'm all for step-parents working together and parenting together but in a gradual and agreed way that everyone can be comfortable with. This is way too fast too soon and you need to protect your daughter from his whims, especially when she's telling you she's not happy with it.

Talk to him and see what he says and then make a decision on next steps from there.

I think you're right to feel unhappy about this, he sounds like an odd man.

Original poster

Dippypippy1980 · 10/02/2019 15:07

I think there simply isn’t room at the girlfriend’s house. She has a room at her dads house - but they never seem to sleep there anymore. It seems to be a blow up mattress on the floor of one of the children’s bedrooms.

My ex said my boyfriend could babysit - if I was going out then he should take my daughter. He also said the boyfriend wasn’t to attend school plays or take her to parties etc. He wasn’t to do any drop offs or collect our daughter from his house. Medical appointments didn’t come up - but I always do these on my time (our daughter has an ongoing issue which requires regular check ups).

Before we moved in together he said no to holidays with boyfriend overseas,.

OP posts:

Waveysnail · 10/02/2019 15:09

Why doesn't dd have her own bedroom at her dad's?

Ethel80 · 10/02/2019 15:10

So they've been together less than 5 months and they're basically living at the girlfriends house where she doesn't have her own space. This is so wrong and confusing for a small child.

Was your ex always so controlling?

Lovewineandchocs · 10/02/2019 15:10

“Given her place” is one thing, but this is your daughter-yours and his, not hers. Again, he clearly wasn’t so keen for your partner to get his place, and you respected that. Medical appointments and parent teacher meetings, or anything at all to do with school, would be a definite no-no for me. I think it has to be someone with parental responsibility for the school or doctor to talk to them, and you’d both have to give permission for it to be anyone else? Any family lawyers or parents in the same situation on here will know better, though. I’d reinforce that I didn’t want his partner involved in those things or any other important decisions regarding your DC, and point out that your partner isn’t-because neither of them are her parents. Maybe try and resolve those things first before trying to re-negotiate a position away from 50/50 custody, but I would ask if there is anything they can do to make your DC’s time there more pleasant, as she spends half her time there it should be a home just like your house is.

Bluebell878275 · 10/02/2019 15:12

You co parent with your ex...she should be a helper to him and eventually perhaps you and her communicate. For example my DH communicates with his ex but sometimes she asks me plans etc because she knows that I handle that side of things as a family so it's probably best just to speak to me! This has only happened a handful of times after a few years of being together plus the relationship all round is quite hostile.
She may be on the scene for years to come so maybe try and have a chat with her too and judge it from there. She could actually become a help to you if your ex is difficult!

ChakiraChakra · 10/02/2019 15:14

She should definitely have her own need at both houses, has she never had one at his or has it changed?

Medical appointment is fair enough, he should have taken her to that.

School pick up I wouldnt mind.

Ethel80 · 10/02/2019 15:16

@ChakiraChakra they're staying at the girlfriend's house where there is no room for the OP's child.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 10/02/2019 15:16

Omg you hearing about medical info after his gf is fucking terrible....
He needs to step up.
What if their relationship ends? Your dd will lose her other parent effectively....

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 10/02/2019 15:24

YANBU she is overstepping and he is letting her. I would be fuming about the medical appointment personally.

I don’t know what I’d do about the 50/50 arrangement you have right now but I find it crazy when any parent, mum or dad, involves an adult they barely know in their child’s life. From a purely selfish point of view alone, it would kill the romance stone dead. Get to know each other for a long while before the mundane day to day stuff becomes a thing.

RandomMess · 10/02/2019 15:30

I would be focusing on DD needing a proper bed and her own space if she is staying there most of his contact time. That if he isn't able to attend medical appointments you would rather go instead.

I would point out that DD is missing her one to one time with him as it's gone from many hours to so few very quickly.

Original poster

Dippypippy1980 · 10/02/2019 16:58

THanks everyone. I think I will give him a call tomorrow and chat things through. My boyfriend suggested inviting them round for dinner - we haven’t really met the new girlfriend yet - but I think that might be a bit too much!

I am drafting a list.

She needs her own bed. If there is no space at the girlfriends house then they shouldn’t be staying there regularly.

Parents only at medical appointments and meetings/discussions with school.

Parenting decisions disucssed and agreed between the two parents (childcare, hair appointments etc).

I have a fear that this lady will pierce my daughters ears - her children (who are around the same age) both have this done and I am very against it until the teen years. So I need to pre-empt that somehow!

I suppose I am also a bit sad that this lady will Ben able to influ nice so much of my daughters life. I know this sounds snobby but she is very different to me. From what I understand she isn’t very focused on the children’s education, and has made a few comments about my career. My ex mil has commented that it is lovely ex has found someone who who he can take care off and who lets him ‘be the man’.

I have no problem with women who don’t work, but I want my daughter to have lots of options, and education and qualifications mean more options. It’s all very early for this but I am spiralling! Hey could break up next week.

OP posts:

ChakiraChakra · 10/02/2019 17:29

Your daughter HAS got lots of options. She can see you who is working, and dad's gf who isn't :)

Original poster

Dippypippy1980 · 10/02/2019 17:33

Just had a chat with my mum, so going to email the clinic my daughter attends in the hospital and say only parents should attend the appointments and have access to medical infrotmation.

My mum is quite cross that the hospital didn’t challenge her - but she may have said she was the step mum.

I am also considering going part time - and mum has said she will do a day a week (she has just retired). So might stop the childminder and ensure daughter spends more time with family. It is partly to compete tbh, but also we have all noticed daughter has been unsettled, so I think she needs a bit more quality time.

Having a big glass of wine and trying to settle myself. Boyfriend just suggested buying daughter a puppy - so we win😂.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dippypippy1980 · 10/02/2019 17:37

Chakira I am relying on this woman to ensure homework’s are done 50% of the time. I do reading etc, but it has never been great with her dad and if anything it’s getting worse. I know she is very young, but I can’t keep her up with her homework if I only have her 50% of the time.

Spiralling I know.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dippypippy1980 · 10/02/2019 19:33

Think I am the only one left on this thread but I find it therapeutic
!! I couldn’t wait till tomorrow - just off the phone with ex.

Didn’t go well. I stayed calm and started with the bedroom issue. He got very angry and accused me of trying to stop him staying at his girlfriend’s. I tired to explain the issue was my daughter having a space of her own, and getting a good nights sleep on school nights. But he stubbornly kept bringing it back to his freedom to have a girlfriend.

Then I mentioned boundires and limits to what the girlfriend should be involved in. He totally went off on one - started laughing and telling he girlfriend that I didnt want her to talk to his daughter. In the end I said he obviously wasn’t going to be reasonable so hung up.

I think I need to consider our custody arrangements. I am going to talk to a family solicitor tomorrow and ask for the name of a good family mediator. However, to b honest my aim is to reduce he number of nights a week my daughter stays with him. This arrangement would be okay for one night a week, but not three or four.

Feel like such a failure - but i need to focus on my daughters welfare. She needs one main home, a good nights sleep and a stable routine.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2