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AIBU?

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Original poster

to ask you for your help leaving him?

40 replies

CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 09:07

I'm sorry to ask this a third time. I asked in the early hours of this morning and am worried my posts didn't get many views.

I'm 29, in a relationship with someone I am deeply unhappy with. I've been kidding myself in to thinking it'll all be okay. We own a house together and h has an 8 year old DD from a previous relationship.

My family live 200 miles away. I want to move back with them (it would be my only option really financially) and I want to stay there. I would live with my mum and dad for a bit who would be happy to have me there until I got my life sorted out.

DP is not a bad person. He had a snotty upbringing and this shows. He takes me for granted, never does anything around the house, talks sarcastically to me, and resents ever having to spend any money on me.

He is however a very good dad. He adores his son and I couldn't ask for more in regards to that.

I am desperate to move back to my family as I have nobody here. I moved here to suit him and his daughter/family. It isn't working for me and 3 years down the line I'm deeply, deeply unhappy and regretful.

My son is only 3.5 months old. What do I do? Move away? Or stay here and be unhappy for the next however many years?

I'm guilt ridden. I'm in always tears but trying to put on a brave face. I'm scared he'll scream and shout and badmouth me to everyone.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Powerbunting · 10/02/2019 09:21

Is your plan to take your son 200 miles away from his (good) dad? Or for you to move 200 miles from your son?

Or for you just to move out and stay local (sounds like you'd still be unhappy there, but much of your unhappiness is relationship driven)

Original poster
CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 09:25

@Powerbunting I would be incredibly unhappy if I stayed local. I have no friends here and all of my friends/family/family friends are in the same place. A 3 ish hour journey away.

I don't think it would damage my son to move far away. He won't know any different and will still have a relationship with his dad. I would never discourage that.

My dilemma is that it would be miserable for his dad. It's easier for me to stay miserable and I'm not sure ethically if moving away would be right for DSs Dad...

OP posts:
Original poster
CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 09:25

I wouldn't move 200 miles away from my son.

OP posts:
Whatjusthappenedthere · 10/02/2019 09:27

could you go to your parents and take your son on the pretence of a days rest / mini holiday and take stock from there?

Uberbeeboo · 10/02/2019 09:29

Personally I would go. You have that option open to you at the moment and should follow your gut feeling. You are obviously in the wrong relationship and he doesn't sound particularly happy either, so the inevitable is just being prolonged. It may only get worse and it will chip away at your confidence and health and ultimately your son will suffer seeing his parents unhappy.

200 miles is a large distance but not the end of the world. You said he was a good dad, so you should help facilitate regular contact and make this clear when you leave. Good luck OP. Make your plan, keep your head, do not give a damn about what anyone says about you, it'll forgotten in a few months anyway. Be fair and honest, and explain to him why you're going and how it will improve things. Then go and grab your new life.

fibonaccisequins · 10/02/2019 09:32

Do you have copies/the originals of all your certificates (birth certificate, passport, bank statements etc) in a safe place? If not, start with those.
It doesn't matter if he badmouths you, that's his shit to deal with, not yours. People can think what they like.
Facilitating contact between DS and his (by your own admission good) dad will be the tricky part, have you thought about how you'd do this?

PositivelyPointless · 10/02/2019 09:32

If your h was genuinely a nice person he would treat you with respect.

He may seem like a good dad now, but just wait until parenting gets even more challenging and you have a second DC.

Get out now, as early as possible. It will only get harder to do so the older your DC gets.

Whatjusthappenedthere · 10/02/2019 09:34

You will regret leaving your son behind. Don’t do it, not even temporarily. I speak from experience. Your situation is very similar to mine, I made some very bad decisions which I live with every day. Go to your parents with your son and decide from there. Your DH May decide to make it very difficult for you to have a relationship with your son if you leave.

Original poster
CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 09:51

I wouldn't ever leave my son. He's ebf and not even 4 months old.

OP posts:
Ragnarthe · 10/02/2019 10:00

I'm not sure if it's a good idea to make such a big decision at the moment. Your baby is very young, you are no doubt completely exhausted. Did you feel this way before the baby was born?
Are you getting any rest? I would think there is a period of adjustment after a baby is born and it can take a while to settle down.
I'm not trying to say you are imagining stuff because you are tired but I just wanted to ask the question.
I was in a weird haze for ages after my first baby and if I had made any big decisions at the time I would have regretted them.
Could you arrange to go and stay with your parents for a week so you can have a rest and a break from your partner so you can have a think about things?

PurpleWithRed · 10/02/2019 10:01

He takes me for granted, never does anything around the house, talks sarcastically to me, and resents ever having to spend any money on me
I'm scared he'll scream and shout and badmouth me to everyone

A great dad does not treat the mother of his child like this. A great dad teaches his son that his mother deserves respect.

Go to your mum, take DS with you, be prepared for a storm in the short term but so what? If he screams and shouts and badmouths you to everyone they will all know that he is a nasty abusive bully and you were right to leave.

AnoukSpirit · 10/02/2019 10:11

A great dad does not treat the mother of his child like this. A great dad teaches his son that his mother deserves respect.

So much this. If you stay think of the terrible lesson he'll learn. Think of the damage it will do growing up with you increasingly miserable.

You sound incredibly isolated, and you are not being treated the way you would be by somebody who loved or respected you.

If you're scared of his reaction when you leave, then that's for a reason and it shows that things are not right here. Leave when he's not home, pack up the important stuff (birth certificates, papers, sentimental stuff) and go back to your family home.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

JollyAndBright · 10/02/2019 10:13

Would you be willing and able to make the trip back and forth to bring your son back to his father every week for contact?

Because if you move 200 miles away you will be expected to be financially and physically responsible for bringing him back for contact.

As long as you are willing and able to do that I don’t see a problem with you moving.

AnoukSpirit · 10/02/2019 10:15

And yes, short term stormy period is difficult, but looking long term which do you prefer - indefinite misery for goodness knows how many years, or short term difficulties in exchange for a calmer, happier, less isolated life in the long term?

Focus on the bigger picture, not the hurdles in the present.

Original poster
CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 10:18

@JollyAndBright not every week. Monthly yes.

OP posts:
AnoukSpirit · 10/02/2019 10:29

From Women's Aid:

Does your partner blame his use of alcohol or drugs, mental health condition or family history for his behaviour? You've excused his behaviour as being the result of his upbringing, I assume because he provided that excuse and you're repeating it. ("I can't help it, this was how I was raised, you need to stop being so sensitive.")

Does your partner constantly belittle or humiliate you, or regularly criticise or insult you? You've described this.

Has your partner ever kept you short of money so you are unable to buy food and other necessary items for yourself and your children or made you take out loans? You say he resents spending any money on you - for what kinds of things? Extravagant holidays or food and toiletries? Light and heating?

Have you ever changed your behaviour because you are afraid of what your partner might do or say to you? You're afraid of his reaction if you leave and you therefore haven't tried to leave. I imagine that won't be the first time you've changed your behaviour out of fear of his reaction... You won't have that fear from nowhere, so I expect you've seen him respond like that to you in the past.

If you answered yes to one or more of the above questions, this indicates that you may be experiencing domestic abuse.

There are a few others that sound like they could apply to you too...

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

0808 2000 247 if you want to talk it through with someone.

LakieLady · 10/02/2019 10:30

I'm scared he'll scream and shout and badmouth me to everyone.

Anyone whose opinion is worth having will know that there's 2 sides to every story and that no-one moves 200 miles with a tiny baby without good reason.

You sound so low, OP, I think it would do you good to go and stay with your family for a while anyway. You need some looking after, and you're not getting that from DP. When you're away, things may well seem clearer and you'll hopefully have a clearer idea of what you want to do next.

Make sure you take everything you might need with you in terms of paperwork, in case you decide you're not going back to him.

Good luck.

JollyAndBright · 10/02/2019 10:31

Every other weekend and one night during the week as that is the standard arrangement for NRPs.

At the end of the day your happiness is important and you need to leave the marriage if you are not happy.
But in relation to location, ultimately it’s not about you or your exh its about your son and he is entitled to a decent relationship with both his parents, you are within your right to move to where you are happy and have support but that should not impact your DS’s relationship with his father.
If you are not willing and able to bring him back for a minimum of every other weekend contact and then collect him at the end of it then I think you should seriously consider moving somewhere closer.

You said it yourself, he’s a good dad, he may be a rubbish husband but it’s not fair or your son to deny him the minimum contact he should have with his father.

AnoukSpirit · 10/02/2019 10:33

Lots of abused women describe their abusive partner as a "good dad". Does not make it true, it's just part of the conditioning.

Original poster
CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 10:46

He wants me to support myself and pay 50/50 towards bills and mortgage whilst on my maternity leave and on SMP... I can't honestly think of anything good about our relationship.

OP posts:
katykins85 · 10/02/2019 10:50

Be very careful just upping and going, a friend of mine did this and when her ex went to court the judge ordered that she move back.

Original poster
CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 10:55

I wouldn't just up and go though. That would be incredibly unfair I think...

OP posts:
Original poster
CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 11:11

@JollyAndBright surely that wouldn't be the arrangement for a baby under 1?

OP posts:
Original poster
CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 11:17

It's also hard as he has a DD who he has EOW. So that has to be factored in too

OP posts:
PositivelyPointless · 10/02/2019 11:21

Op, contact women's aid for impartial advice. I would echo Anouk advice.

I wish I had left earlier. You at least have a chance to make a break and be happy. You deserve so much more than this. Ypu only have one life.

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