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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask you for your help leaving him?

40 replies

CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 09:07

I'm sorry to ask this a third time. I asked in the early hours of this morning and am worried my posts didn't get many views.

I'm 29, in a relationship with someone I am deeply unhappy with. I've been kidding myself in to thinking it'll all be okay. We own a house together and h has an 8 year old DD from a previous relationship.

My family live 200 miles away. I want to move back with them (it would be my only option really financially) and I want to stay there. I would live with my mum and dad for a bit who would be happy to have me there until I got my life sorted out.

DP is not a bad person. He had a snotty upbringing and this shows. He takes me for granted, never does anything around the house, talks sarcastically to me, and resents ever having to spend any money on me.

He is however a very good dad. He adores his son and I couldn't ask for more in regards to that.

I am desperate to move back to my family as I have nobody here. I moved here to suit him and his daughter/family. It isn't working for me and 3 years down the line I'm deeply, deeply unhappy and regretful.

My son is only 3.5 months old. What do I do? Move away? Or stay here and be unhappy for the next however many years?

I'm guilt ridden. I'm in always tears but trying to put on a brave face. I'm scared he'll scream and shout and badmouth me to everyone.

What do I do?

OP posts:

JollyAndBright · 10/02/2019 12:36

If the relationship is abusive then obviously that is a factor but I read the op at face value,
that he’s a good dad but a rubbish husband to Carlos and she is miserable, I didn’t read anything about abuse in the OP.

You should absolutely leave the marriage and do whatever it takes to make your life better and be happy.
You also have to do what is best for your DS, it sounds like that definitely means leaving you DH but it also means ensuring DS has the relationship with his dad that he deserves.

Original poster

CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 12:37

I don't think it is abusive. My friend thinks he's emotionally abusive but I don't see it as that. That's a whole other thread I guess.

OP posts:

mmmm25 · 10/02/2019 12:49

How are you supposed to go 50/50 with everything on SMP? Was this discussed beforehand or he has just decided that now? Go to visit your parents for a while, ( taking all paperwork), get some space to think rationally, maybe see a solicitor and take it one step at a time.
He doesn't sound very nice TBh.

MumW · 10/02/2019 13:06

I don't think it is abusive. My friend thinks he's emotionally abusive but I don't see it as that.
Listen to your friend, she is looking in objectively from the outside. Part of abusive behaviour is conditioning the victim to believe they are wrong/misguided and the asbuser is right.

That's a whole other thread I guess
No, it's all part of the reason you've asked help to leave.

Gather your paperwork and take DS for a visit with his grandparents for a week. You can get some help, catch up on some sleep, talk things through with your parents and contact Women's Aid for advice. Get out of the abusive situation and consider your options and what you want for you and your son.

Original poster

CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 13:58

@mmmm25 he just sprung it upon me. It was originally agreed he would contribute more. He's now changed his mind...

OP posts:

Shezza71 · 10/02/2019 14:10

If you have the support of your family you could arrange to go and visit for a couple of weeks.
Explain to your husband that you are struggling with the way the relationship is developing and now worried about your finances while on maternity leave and contributing so much. And that you're going to stay with your parents for a bit so you can both have some space and get your heads straight. Maybe in your absence he will see things differently and change his ways, if he doesn't you can then make the move permanent. As suggested before take all legal documents with you.

Gilead · 10/02/2019 14:17

A good father supports his child emotionally and financially. A good father shows respect to the child's mother. A good father demonstrates to the children how to treat their mother with kindness, love and respect. A good father is not sarcastic and rude to the mother of his children. A good father is not an idle bastard in the home he shares with the mother of his children.
I know this because I did it for over twenty years. Get out whilst you still can.

Original poster

CarlosCarlos · 10/02/2019 15:08

I feel sick to my stomach. It's so hard. I've thought about leaving since I was about 6 months pregnant. It was just too stressful. The ONLY thing stopping me from upping and leaving tomorrow is the guilt of him not seeing his son that often...

OP posts:

Gilead · 10/02/2019 16:48

That's his problem and his choice. If he were kind and pleasant and easy to live with you wouldn't be leaving would you...

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 11/02/2019 03:00

I have read your other threads and your partner sounds abusive! Please listen to those advising you to gather your essential documents and go stay with your parents for a break. You can make up whatever excuse you need to! When you get to your parents confide in them and contact woman’s aid for advice. I have a friend who moved from London to the highlands with her dd- to be closer to her family after a relationship break up. Her ex travels to the highlands during school holidays and takes their dd on holiday several times a year. I’m sure you won’t be expected to facilitate every contact! You may have to compromise and meet half way or take it turn about in dropping your ds off. Although contact will need to be with you there until your ds is old enough/ you have stopped breastfeeding (which the WHO recommends last for two years- so don’t let your hopefully stbxp try to bully you into stopping)

Nikkik77 · 11/02/2019 03:57

If I was you I would plan your move and sit down and talk to your partner and tell him how you feel and what you have planned, don't worry about what other people think they are not you and don't know how you are feeling and your friends will stick by you well real friends will any one that says anything bad I wouldn't worry about people like that, it sounds to me like you could do with a break away from each other then you can have a good think about what you want to do, could you stay with your family for a while a break tell your partner you are going to have a break and then sort out what you want to do. Good luck x

katykins85 · 11/02/2019 18:32

DO NOT TELL HIM IF YOU PLAN TO LEAVE!! That is absolutely the worst thing you can do when in an abusive relationship. Seek support from womens aid OP, and leave him safely. You can do this my lovely

katykins85 · 11/02/2019 18:33

Ooops sorry cross post meant this for another in my chat list!

MumW · 11/02/2019 20:04

leaving tomorrow is the guilt of him not seeing his son
That's very admirable, but ask yourself if if is giving you the same consideration.

You are on SMP as you are unable to work as you were carrying/are caring for his child yet he still expects you to shoulder half the household expenses - that's not in the slightest admirable, it's financial abuse.

He's not supporting you in any sense of the word. Go home where you have family support.

With respect to him seeing his son, I think he's made his bed so will have to lie in it if/when you finally have the courage to go. His happiness is no more important than yours. He's not giving a toss about your feelings so stop worrying about his.

MumW · 11/02/2019 20:05

One other question, are you going to be expected to foot the childcare costs so you can go back to work?

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