Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is unreasonable here?

31 replies

FunkyColdMedina19 · 10/02/2019 04:46

So, as not to drip feed, lately my anxiety has been through the roof and has effected my life in numerous negative ways. I understand this may cloud my judgement.

Anyway, my Dp has had a day/night out planned for today for at least over a month. He said he'd be home by 10 but i took this with a pinch of salt.
Since i knew he'd be out all day, i arranged for me and dd (20 months) to go to my mums for the day/night and make our own plans. I took pjs for both of us as I knew there was a chance we would be staying overnight.

The compliacted bit (and very outing)...
My mum lives above a pub that she manages and I work at. When dd was first born, this is where we lived with her. Dd went to sleep at 8 oclock and my ds (17 yrs old) offered to keep an eye on her if i wanted to go downstairs and have a drink, there was a band playing. I took her up on this.

I spoke to dp at 1 a.m (kicking out time for us) ye said he was at home, in bed, and would see me tomorrow. He told me he was very unsettled without me and dd at home but understood that with my mental health the way it has been lately he understands im happy at dm. I told him i was just having a last drink with friends and was heading to bed soon.

As I was setting in bed i was browsing through facebook when I seen a mutual friend had uploaded a picture of several people in my kitchen. As i continued to browse, it became apparant that dp had had an after party at our house.

As me and dd are not there, I'm not too concerned that he has had his friends back there. My problem is that he lied. I have since text him and asked him if people are at our house. He replied 'one or two but they are leaving soon'
Ive seen the pictures, there are at least 10 people in my house.
I dont understand why he has lied. Although I've never stayed out before, I've never been strict about who is at our house.
Aibu to think hes just a stupid , horrible liar that needs a stern word?!

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/02/2019 04:52

Don’t over react. See what he says in the cold light of day. When he took a load of people home did he know you wouldn’t be there?

KC225 · 10/02/2019 04:55

He didn't lie though, he was at home?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, he didn't ask you to make yourself scare, you decided to go to your Mother's pub. And you were having a drink with your friends, he was doing the same but in your kitchen. Chances are it was a spur of the moment 'let's have one more back at mine' and he didn't mention it as your 'anxiety is through the roof' but there is always some idiot who has Facebook everything

Original poster
FunkyColdMedina19 · 10/02/2019 04:55

Wow, just seen how long my post is. Well done to anyone who has actually read it

OP posts:
flumpybear · 10/02/2019 04:57

I can't see the problem unless it's left in a tip and he expects you to clean up

Original poster
FunkyColdMedina19 · 10/02/2019 05:02

He knew me and dd were not at home when he took people back. I also thought that he knew me well enough to know that this wouldn't bother me, as it is his home too.

I understand that my anxiety may be clouding things which is why I've posted here. I just don't understand why he would lie. This is not something i would be harsh about. As me and dd are not there, if he would have said that people are back at our home that would have been fine (as long as house is clean tomorrow.)

I planned to stay at my mums as when alone, especially when dp is not around, my anxiety tends to spiral. I planned to stay at my mums as i knew i would be anxious that he was out and I didn't want to intrude on his night so i planned to be busy. I just don't understand why he would lie to me

OP posts:
Original poster
FunkyColdMedina19 · 10/02/2019 05:04

I just dont understand why he would say hes in bed when hes clearly hosting an after party at our house

OP posts:
Lovestonap · 10/02/2019 05:05

Maybe he thought you would get stressed out if you knew there were lots of people at your house? It sounds like you've both had a good night, maybe that's what you should focus on. (or maybe he's a lying toerag with form for gaslighting, only you will know)

Original poster
FunkyColdMedina19 · 10/02/2019 05:13

I don't think he's that type of guy (but then what do I know, I've been sucked in and abused before)

I just don't understand his reason for lying when it is not something that i would be bothered by. Im now thinking if he can lie about something as trivial as this, what else can he lie about. But then I am aware this is also prying on my anxiety

OP posts:
dustyfan · 10/02/2019 05:16

Sounds like he wanted a get together and didn't want you there, to be honest.

ChippyMinton · 10/02/2019 05:19

Could the photos have been taken earlier in the evening and then posted much later after everyone had left your house?

MerryMarigold · 10/02/2019 05:22

I think you need to let it lie until you can ask him about it. Ask him why he didn't tell you and made a big deal of missing you and dd. Also, after a few drinks, you roll not be thinking straight about this. That's always another side to things but you're going down one road and fixing on it. You have people in your life, Mum and ds. What do they think of this guy?

Original poster
FunkyColdMedina19 · 10/02/2019 05:24

No, the caption made it clear they were still at my house. I don't have a problem with people being there, I just don't understand why he would lie and say he is in bed when he was clearly still partying with people, especially as they are in our home.

OP posts:
Original poster
FunkyColdMedina19 · 10/02/2019 05:28

My Dsister (16, autistic and I'm her carer) likes him but thinks he is boring. My mum is still on the fence about him. She has acknowledged that he is a brilliant father and supports me when I need it but she thinks he can be immature and forget his responsibilities

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 10/02/2019 05:28

Maybe he doesn't know what will,/ will not trigger than anxiety. I have anxiety too and find it hard to predict myself. I hope he was just protecting you from worry and do tiff have a good night. Are you in the uk? O it's nearly time to get up!

Original poster
FunkyColdMedina19 · 10/02/2019 05:31

Yes unfortunately i'm in the uk. Im currently huddled on dm's couch just trying to settle myself. Dd and ds are snuggled up in bed together with the dogs at the end of the bed, im very jealous of them. This stupid anxiety wont let me sleep, wven when i know it is disproportionate

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 10/02/2019 05:31

You should tell her about the after party, not boring! Hmmmm...I don't know. Ask your mum in the morning what she thinks about this. Did she warn you out of previous abusive relationships? As an anxiety sufferer I know I tend to make bigger deals out of things than are necessary so if let it lie for now. And definitely ask dh about why lied.

MerryMarigold · 10/02/2019 05:34

Try and sleep. I usually channel the feeling of needing to get up and benign wanting to. Helps me feel that drowsiness and gratitude for asleep.

MerryMarigold · 10/02/2019 05:35

Benign= not

Original poster
FunkyColdMedina19 · 10/02/2019 05:37

Funnily enough, my dm adored my ex and always took his side (even when police were called)
My now dp is very laid back and just tends to let me get on with things where as my ex managed my every move. I think she feels i make too many foolish mistakes and he doesnt 'punish' me for them

Shes always been in mental/physical abusive relationships and sees them as the norm so.i take her advixe with a pinch of salt

OP posts:
Original poster
FunkyColdMedina19 · 10/02/2019 05:47

I just cant sleep with the idea that hes lied to me running through my head.

I honestly thought we never kept secrets, i feel weirdly betrayed not at what hes done because that is fine, but that he feel he had to lie.

OP posts:
Original poster
FunkyColdMedina19 · 10/02/2019 05:49

Either I'm more overbearing than I thought or he's a liar amd neither of them answers bode well for us

OP posts:
Original poster
FunkyColdMedina19 · 10/02/2019 06:03

Its now 6 am and I still haven't slept. My head just can't recognise this liar with the man i love and have built a life with.

I can deal with most things but lies are my downfall. I just dont understand why he would lie about something so stupid

OP posts:
jellycatspyjamas · 10/02/2019 06:07

Honestly I think your anxiety is at play here - if he’s an otherwise good guy I’d let it drop, maybe mention to him when you see him that you didn’t realise he had friends round and see what he says.

And there are loads of reasons for him not telling you, that aren’t necessarily about you being overbearing or him being a liar - have you had any kind of therapy for your anxiety? Now would be the time to use those skills.

Don’t see him until you’ve got some sleep - it won’t help your thought process to be sleepless and hungover when you talk to him.

Original poster
FunkyColdMedina19 · 10/02/2019 06:15

I've been in different kinds of therapys for around the last 8 years. Some reLly useful , some utter rubbish. That's why I posted here first, just to see where about my reaction sits. Hopefully everything will be clearer after some sleep

OP posts:
Mmmmbrekkie · 10/02/2019 06:16

Probably a bit drunk
Knows you suffer from anxiety
The people were already there
He took the easy option and omitted a detail.

I’d let it go