Who is unreasonable here?

[FunkyColdMedina19]

So, as not to drip feed, lately my anxiety has been through the roof and has effected my life in numerous negative ways. I understand this may cloud my judgement.

Anyway, my Dp has had a day/night out planned for today for at least over a month. He said he'd be home by 10 but i took this with a pinch of salt.
Since i knew he'd be out all day, i arranged for me and dd (20 months) to go to my mums for the day/night and make our own plans. I took pjs for both of us as I knew there was a chance we would be staying overnight.

The compliacted bit (and very outing)...
My mum lives above a pub that she manages and I work at. When dd was first born, this is where we lived with her. Dd went to sleep at 8 oclock and my ds (17 yrs old) offered to keep an eye on her if i wanted to go downstairs and have a drink, there was a band playing. I took her up on this.

I spoke to dp at 1 a.m (kicking out time for us) ye said he was at home, in bed, and would see me tomorrow. He told me he was very unsettled without me and dd at home but understood that with my mental health the way it has been lately he understands im happy at dm. I told him i was just having a last drink with friends and was heading to bed soon.

As I was setting in bed i was browsing through facebook when I seen a mutual friend had uploaded a picture of several people in my kitchen. As i continued to browse, it became apparant that dp had had an after party at our house.

As me and dd are not there, I'm not too concerned that he has had his friends back there. My problem is that he lied. I have since text him and asked him if people are at our house. He replied 'one or two but they are leaving soon'
Ive seen the pictures, there are at least 10 people in my house.
I dont understand why he has lied. Although I've never stayed out before, I've never been strict about who is at our house.
Aibu to think hes just a stupid , horrible liar that needs a stern word?!

I’d feel the same op, since nothing untoward was going on he could have just told you the truth. I’d be upset at the ease at which he lied, I’d also be upset there was a party at my house without me.

The problem here is the anxiety because without sleep you won’t be able to rationalise anything and it will just descend into an argument. I’d have called him out straight away, but you should now just ask him face to face when you get home. In fact, don’t ask - tell him, whatever his reasons were for lying are no excuse, either he’s straight with you on every occasion or it’s over.

You’re anxious, lying just compounds that. Why should you be blissfully unaware of what’s happening and thinking he’s asleep in bed when that’s far from true? It’s a pointless lie which is controlling and patronising, you should be allowed to make up your own mind about how you feel. Maybe if he didn’t lie about things you wouldn’t be so anxious. It sounds as though you don’t know what is acceptable and what isn’t but your instincts are trying to tell you which is why you feel in turmoil.

You mentioned a bad relationship before, was lying and gaslighting part of that?

There are lies and there are lies. He probably lied to you so that you wouldn’t stress and you and the baby would get some sleep. Were there women there? Was it just blokes back for a beer? Infact I think my dh did the same thing once but it’s just because you’re a complete worrier and he was enjoying himself and didn’t fancy a stresshead conversation.

The thing that would bother me is that when he did lie, he was trying to guilt trip you. Talking about how he felt unsettled being in bed alone/but her understands about your anxiety etc. It is a little bit "off" with me that he would mention that anyway - it is a bit rich to go off on a big night out and leave your partner holding the baby, then complain when she suits herself about what to do that night - but the fact that he wasn't actually alone at the time tips it over into controlling and quite nasty IMO.

I’d be upset too OP as there was no reason to lie so you immediately wonder if he’s hiding something.

As long as the house isn't trashed surely he can have guests round too. And I would rather them drinking when kids not there. Anxiety is at play here.he probably didn't want to worry you. Don't go in all guns blazing. Ask him if he had a nice time. But ask if he can be with honest with you next time as it set of your anxiety.

I think you haven't slept, you've been worrying at this all night, your anxiety has built it up into something huge.

It wasn't a lie, it was an omission, maybe he has baggage from previous relationships that told him you wouldn't take it well.

Don't make it into a problem if it wouldn't have been one. Just mention calmly that you don't mind and he could have told you and you wouldn't have cared that people were over. You can mention that you'd rather know than feel like he wasn't truthful with you.