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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To interrupt DSD's sleepover?

47 replies

twentytimes · 09/02/2019 17:19

My DSD(10) invited two friends round for a sleepover tonight, I think her first ever sleepover. Her dad had an emergency with work and had to rush off instead of being her as planned which she was definitely upset about. He's on a plane now so I can't ask him what I should do or get him to come back. We were told this morning that we weren't allowed to say anything or get involved because we would embarrass her and I had promised that I would stay out of the way.

When they arrived together they barely acknowledged dsd and just carried on a conversation between themselves as they went upstairs. They all came down after an hour to get something to eat, they stood next to each other chatting and it looked like dsd was just hovering near them trying to pretend she was involved. They only seemed to look at and speak to her to ask where things were or what they were allowed to have.
I been going up since then pretending to do stuff upstairs and I can hear both of the girls laughing and chatting to each other loudly but dsd is hardly saying anything. At want point she was saying repeatedly not to look at something and they did sound like they stopped but both laughed about it.

I'm pretty sure but obviously don't know for certain that they're not really her friends or being nice to her and that she is not enjoying it.

WIBU to go and get involved? I don't know what I'm supposed to do and really don't want to make it worse for her but feel awful allowing her to be excluded and feel uncomfortable in her own home all night.

OP posts:
ErictheGuineaPig · 09/02/2019 17:22

Has she got a phone? Could you text her and ask if the everything is going OK? Just give her an opener if she wants to subtly tell you her friends are being dicks

Shouldbecleaning92 · 09/02/2019 17:23

Can you pretend to call her downstairs for something and check she's okay?

Maybe send her back up with sweets or something so it looks like that was why you called her down.

WorraLiberty · 09/02/2019 17:24

Just call her down for a minute and have a word with her.

I'm confused about this though.... We were told this morning that we weren't allowed to say anything or get involved because we would embarrass her and I had promised that I would stay out of the way.

Say anything about what? Get involved in what?

BejamNostalgia · 09/02/2019 17:28

They accepted the invite so they can’t completely dislike her.

In the nicest possible way, have you considered DSDs role in all of this? It sounds like she is lacking in confidence and needs to learn how to be confident enough to introduce herself into conversation as an equal. She sounds shy.

BackInTime · 09/02/2019 17:28

I would subtly get involved and maybe try to speak to your DSD on her own to check she is ok. Can you suggest they watch a dvd or something downstairs so they are all within earshot and focusing on something together?

TheSheepofWallSt · 09/02/2019 17:28

I would intervene- go in with a tray of snacks, and get a visual on the situation.

If you think things seem off, ask (ask but tell iyswim) if they want to come downstairs and watch a film on the tv- say youll make yourself scarce but thought they might like to use the lounge- then hover in the kitchen so you’re in earshot.

If they’re being outright bitches, breezing in with a firm but breezy intervention will I’m 99% certain, be appreciated, regardless of what your dsd has said.

She’s asked you not to get involved, but at 10 girls are in a weird place, and sometimes skew more towards “child” than “young adult” and can be secretly relieved that you’re taking control of a situation without them losing face.

Mmmmbrekkie · 09/02/2019 17:28

It sounds horrible
However you absolutely do not want to make things worse
Call her down for some spurious reason and ask her if she’d like you to make up an emergency that means the girls need to leave. If she says no, completely leave it

Original poster
twentytimes · 09/02/2019 17:28

Thanks, I will call her down in a minute and try to talk to her but I can't imagine she would tell me if theres anything wrong, she'll pretend its fine now there already here so I don't do anything.

OP posts:
ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 09/02/2019 17:28

Most teens seem mortified at their parents' very existence, Worra; I suspect DSD was trying to tell them to vanish as much as possible! I know she's 10 but still....

Crockof · 09/02/2019 17:29

I agree, they are 10 you should be allowed to talk to them! I would get dsd down on a pretence like above and see what she wants. For future we always have a code word or agreed to ring at a time to give the kids a get out.

BackInTime · 09/02/2019 17:30

They accepted the invite so they can’t completely dislike her.

No necessarily true when it comes to bitchy girls.

TheSheepofWallSt · 09/02/2019 17:30

And as for the poster above “they must be friends if they came”- don’t be so sure.
I have a couple of horrid memories from my early teens of sleepovers with girls that were so far from friends it’s insane.

BackInTime · 09/02/2019 17:30

Not

TheSheepofWallSt · 09/02/2019 17:30

@BackInTime

I feel like we may have had very very similar teenhoods...

pinkyredrose · 09/02/2019 17:42

They sound like bullies, I'd definitely have a word with them. I wouldn't want them sleeping in with Dsd, who knows what they'll get up to. Look after Dsd, it's your house ffs it's fine to lay down the law.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 09/02/2019 17:44

Just for future times, 3 girls never works well ime.
Make it a 4 some next time.

HerondaleDucks · 09/02/2019 17:46

Your concern is so lovely! I would text her and ask if she needs anything, or say I have some snacks here for you to take up. See what she says. Hope she is ok!

whilethechiefputsshineonleith · 09/02/2019 17:46

did you call her down for a chat op?

Original poster
twentytimes · 09/02/2019 17:50

I called her down to ask if she was okay and if she wanted to me to make up an excuse.
She got upset/annoyed, said to leave it and ran back upstairs.

OP posts:
ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 09/02/2019 17:51

Sad at least you tried, op. She'll be embarrassed and upset, but that's understandable considering.

ApolloandDaphne · 09/02/2019 17:52

Shout her down on the pretext of asking if she wants some drinks/snacks. While she is there ask how it is going? Keep it light. She may not tell you anything but you can gauge her body language. However unless they are being obviously horrible to her there is probably little you can do to intervene.

ApolloandDaphne · 09/02/2019 17:52

Ah cross post. Just leave it now.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 09/02/2019 17:54

Just for future times, 3 girls never works well ime. Make it a 4 some next time.

Interestingly, the one time we tried that wih 4 boys (aged 6-7) it was an epic failure; the 2 alpha-male boys ganged up on the 2 others and were right arseholes. One of the alphas was mine, so I did not let it slide. It worked much better with a trio. I imagine this depends on the constituent members of said trio though....

Original poster
twentytimes · 09/02/2019 17:57

I will just have to leave it now unless she comes to or they are really obviously horrible to her. I feel awful though as she was obviously upset.

OP posts:
FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 09/02/2019 17:59

I would call her downstairs and ask her if she's OK. Poor DSD.

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