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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To interrupt DSD's sleepover?

47 replies

twentytimes · 09/02/2019 17:19

My DSD(10) invited two friends round for a sleepover tonight, I think her first ever sleepover. Her dad had an emergency with work and had to rush off instead of being her as planned which she was definitely upset about. He's on a plane now so I can't ask him what I should do or get him to come back. We were told this morning that we weren't allowed to say anything or get involved because we would embarrass her and I had promised that I would stay out of the way.

When they arrived together they barely acknowledged dsd and just carried on a conversation between themselves as they went upstairs. They all came down after an hour to get something to eat, they stood next to each other chatting and it looked like dsd was just hovering near them trying to pretend she was involved. They only seemed to look at and speak to her to ask where things were or what they were allowed to have.
I been going up since then pretending to do stuff upstairs and I can hear both of the girls laughing and chatting to each other loudly but dsd is hardly saying anything. At want point she was saying repeatedly not to look at something and they did sound like they stopped but both laughed about it.

I'm pretty sure but obviously don't know for certain that they're not really her friends or being nice to her and that she is not enjoying it.

WIBU to go and get involved? I don't know what I'm supposed to do and really don't want to make it worse for her but feel awful allowing her to be excluded and feel uncomfortable in her own home all night.

OP posts:

BackInTime · 09/02/2019 18:00

Oh well at least you tried and she is aware that you sense somethings up even if she doesn’t want to admit it. If these two are girls that DSD is desperate to be friends with she will not want to lose face in front of them or give them a reason to laugh at her. I would just see how it goes and keep an eye on them.

SileneOliveira · 09/02/2019 18:01

Agree that 3 never works. We have a sleepover guest here tonight - just the one. We have had two guests here once and it was a nightmare, someone always left out.

I also get the "don't even breathe in my direction" order from a child, I am the most embarrassing person on the planet even if i'm just offering drink and crisps.

MrsKyloRen · 09/02/2019 18:02

OP this happened to me at the age of 11, it was a weird sleepover and I wasn’t enjoying it, but my mum intervened and I have never forgotten the total embarrassment of it, and the treatments got from those girls afterwards was so much worse as a result. I would keep a careful ear out as much as you can, but I wouldn’t intervene unless there is actually bullying going on. Just my experience! X

christinarossetti19 · 09/02/2019 18:10

Can you suggest a film/Netflix downstairs, maybe a bit later? Just so there's something else for them to focus on and it's less behind closed doors?

If dsd really doesn't want you to intervene, then don't (unless there's obvious bullying etc) but give your dsd plenty of opportunity to debrief tomorrow in a way that won't lose her face.

Poor thing. Excruciating for her and you.

Gazelda · 09/02/2019 18:11

Poor her, and poor you!
I agree that you have to just leave it now. You've done your best.
And on reflection, she'll realise that she's learned that you have her back and will help her if she needs it, and that you will leave her be if she asks you to. She's got a great SM.

ShaggyRug · 09/02/2019 18:17

1st rule of tween sleepovers: with girls 3 is the worst number at this age. Never 3.

Secondly, they absolutely could dislike her and still accept the invitation. Some kids are mean that way.

Keep an ear out and try to get her alone to ask her if she needs any help or if she’s enjoying it.

Try to get them into the living room for a film so that you can be there too.

Ensure you NEVER invite this same duo together again.

ShaggyRug · 09/02/2019 18:18

Sorry just read last update. Ignore suggestion to talk to her. Put these girls on mental no invite list for future ref.

VimFuego101 · 09/02/2019 18:20

At least you tried and she knows you'll give her a get out if she needs one.

Lolalolacabana · 09/02/2019 18:21

Oh what a shame- sounds like she was looking forward to the night but what do you know of these girls? The prep talks she gave you makes it sound as if she was kind of nervous for the night.
She’ll probably enjoy a chat with you tomorrow

gamerwidow · 09/02/2019 18:23

You tried. She’s probably feeling a bit embarrassed that you’ve seen that the girls aren’t being nice to her poor thing. It sucks being the adult in this situation she’ll probably blame you for making an issue out of it. all you can do is keep being open and hope she admits she’s not happy about how it panned out so you can help her.

GB54 · 09/02/2019 18:25

I remember when I was that age and sleepovers of 3 always ended up like this!
I agree with inviting them downstairs for a film, that’s a good idea.

Skyejuly · 09/02/2019 18:27

I agree about a film. Not too early to send them home lol

brizzledrizzle · 09/02/2019 18:30

I called her down to ask if she was okay and if she wanted to me to make up an excuse. She got upset/annoyed, said to leave it and ran back upstairs.

Poor girl, at least she has a parent who has got her back and she now knows that you'll help her out if she does want a get out clause.

thewinkingprawn · 09/02/2019 18:31

I think I would subtely intervene - she is only 10. Call her down to see if they want snacks or something and have a word. 3 is a tricky number. It’s only a night though - even if she isn’t enjoying it, don’t embarrass her by intervening too much. Unless they are obviously being mean of course.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 09/02/2019 18:33

Even though she turned you down I think you did the right thing op. It's right she knows the option's there even if she doesn't take it. You sound lovely.

Original poster

twentytimes · 09/02/2019 18:34

They can and I think have been watching films on the TV in her room so it would be a bit weird if I invited them down to watch one in the living room.

OP posts:

Midnight21 · 09/02/2019 18:34

I'd be inclined not to hover or worry too much.
Even if there is an issue not doing her any favours by not allowing her to resolve (or not) herself.
Often found with my 3 girls (all 20's & 30's now) that I'd worry about them not enjoying something unecessarily.
Am a little confused by your DSD saying your 'not allowed..' No flippin way

Butterfly84 · 09/02/2019 18:42

You've tried OP and she now knows you're there if she needs you to get her out the situation. I agree with pps that three is a crowd, I would only do sleepovers of two or four.

Your DSD seems like she wants to try to make things work with these two friends so leave her to it for tonight.

BettyDuMonde · 09/02/2019 18:45

Well done for trying, even if you don’t feel you’ve achieved much.

I would recommend getting them out as early as possible in the morning and fonding something nice for your DSD and you to do together, giving her the opportunity to debrief if she feels able.

i’m a mum and a stepmum, and I appreciate your efforts in a crap situation (no DH around unexpectedly). You might not be able to do anything tangible tonight, but you are hopefully laying foundations that will make it easier for DSD to turn to you in future.

Lovemusic33 · 09/02/2019 18:45

Leave them too it, she knows where you are if she needs you. My dd was similar when she first had friends over, they were very noisy and dd got a bit fed up, she hasn’t invited them over since and instead just has one friend over (2’s company, 3’s a crowd), I’m guessing the guests are a little over excited which is why they are noisier than dsd. Just let it run it’s course and hope your dad learns from it (not to invite them again).

Blackbear10 · 09/02/2019 18:46

Could you suggest driving them for a late night McDonald’s, having all three in the car you can see the dynamics better and the two excluders will find it harder to ignore your SD in front of you and might start to make more of an effort with her?

sollyfromsurrey · 09/02/2019 18:53

Don't intervene unless one or the other actually do or say something wholly inappropriate (like a racial slur or flat out vile-nasty) and in that case, get the school and the parents involved so the girl is literally too scared/shamed to cause repercussions. Other than that, back off and understand that your DSD will be embarrassed at how obviously they are snubbing her and that you noticed. The best case scenario is that she will realise she doesn't need them as 'friends' and learn from this whole unpleasant experience. One day in the future, she may want to discuss with you but not while it is so raw as she will feel further humiliated. That will drive her to be horrible to you and possibly even keep her engaging with this group of mean girls to 'prove you wrong'. Just step back, know that other than feeling hurt, your DSD is safe and hope she will learn. It is through exactly this sort of horrible experience that we learn and grow. Only step in if it genuinely goes too far.

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