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AIBU?

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Original poster

STBXH - am I missing something?

43 replies

TooTragicToBeFunny · 09/02/2019 14:32

3 weeks before Feb half term, and with no prior discussions about the holiday arrangements, STBXH emails me and details why he can’t have the DCs his usual day that week and how he can only have them one day in particular and so that’s what he would like. 🙄

I tell him it’s too late, DCs have plans as far away close relatives visiting. I tell him he needs to forward plan, not just tell me 3 weeks before hand the one single day he can have them and expect that to be OK.

He then emails me whist copying in his mother, father and NEW GIRLFRIEND telling me he can’t believe I’ve “done this to me” etc etc and how we need to be more co-operative in future.

As background, we split 7 months ago, all left the family home 3 months ago. It was ‘agreed’ in early mediation months ago that school holidays would be 50:50 while term time he has them EOW and one night a week. In reality this hasn’t happened as I work around school hours and he has a full time job with min holidays.

Have I lost the plot or is he the one being ridiculously demanding??

OP posts:
Thehop · 09/02/2019 14:34

He’s being a nob and he knows it, that’s why they’re copied in now and not earlier.

Reply to original e mail copying them in and repeating your agreement.

Let them see what a thundernob he is being.

MitziK · 09/02/2019 14:38

If I were the new girlfriend, I'd be fucking incandescent that my email had been given to somebody's ex.

Original poster
TooTragicToBeFunny · 09/02/2019 14:40

Well seeing as she doesn’t want me to have her address - even though she has my DCs sleeping at her house on a regular basis - you’d think that would be an issue wouldn’t you? But he keeps copying her in... 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 09/02/2019 14:40

I would copy in everyone I knew into that reply and I would completely set him straight.

Original poster
TooTragicToBeFunny · 09/02/2019 14:42

I did consider copying in my entire family and BFFs on the basis that apparently our parenting discussions are an open forum. But that brings me down to his incredibly needy / clingy / pathetic level, doesn’t it??

OP posts:
Anon1258 · 09/02/2019 14:42

No need to be copying in the new girlfriend if he is just ranting and arguing, however if it does concern her and what will be going on In their house then i can see why she would need to be included. Also 3 weeks notice on change of plans is satisfactory IMO - just under a month to notify of one day being changed around- not so bad?

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 09/02/2019 14:44

Forward them all the earlier emails!

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 09/02/2019 14:45

Highlights the parts in which he is breaking your original agreement and being inflexible! Annotate the original emails! -that should shut him up

madcatladyforever · 09/02/2019 14:45

Hopefully he will get bored of this stupid behaviour sometime before the kids grow up. Sounds like typical divorce dickery to me.

Original poster
TooTragicToBeFunny · 09/02/2019 14:46

Anon1258 3 weeks would be acceptable if convenient, but it’s not, so, as he is the one with only 1 day out of 5 available to his children it’s his issue, surely?

And there is no “their house”. There’s his, and hers. My DCs seem to spent half of their time when with their father at her house

OP posts:
FiveRedBricks · 09/02/2019 14:55

3 weeks notice is plenty OP. It's not like it was 3 days. Yab a bit u tbh. How is he supposed to know before then that he'd need to change it? Have a crystal ball?

Original poster
TooTragicToBeFunny · 09/02/2019 15:00

To be clear, him cancelling his regular day is no problem. Him demanding ONE day and expecting me to change my plans to accommodate him - I’m struggling to believe thats a reasonable expectation

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 09/02/2019 15:02

He is being unreasonable.

He isn’t being unreasonable to ask but given you have already got plans, then he is being a twat to complain that you aren’t willing to change.

We have a rule between us that 4 weeks notice is always required for a change request unless particularly extenuating circumstances

SpanielEars070 · 09/02/2019 15:05

Being honest, I'd say giving you 3 weeks notice is quite fair of a day he can't have them.

But he can't expect you to then change your existing plans to fit round it.

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/02/2019 15:11

3 weeks notice isn’t unreasonable to start a conversation about whether changes are possible, but as you correctly identify, OP, it’s not reasonable to expect other plans to be cancelled.

He needs to be prioritising his responsibilities to his children when he makes plans and checking whether swapping days is possible before he makes other commitments.

Goldmandra · 09/02/2019 15:12

If he'd already agreed to have them for half of that week and now can't, the only thing he should be doing is asking if you are available to step in or should he arrange childcare.

He has no right to expect you to make them available for a different time, although it would be reasonable to do so if your plans could be altered to accommodate that. They clearly can't on this occasion, so he needs to either revert to the original plan or accept that he can't see them that week.

tickingthebox · 09/02/2019 15:12

cc all with a breezy
"It would be fine if we had nothing on but unfortunately as I told you in the first e-mail x & y are here for a planned visit that day so can't on this occasion. If they were regular visitors I would change but as they are travelling x,000 miles I can't really change at this short notice"

He's trying to make you look bad as presumably he's made a mistake in forgetting to ask and they all have something planned!!

namechanger2019 · 09/02/2019 15:14

3 weeks notice is enough for him to ask, but doesn't mean you should change automatically. Shame you are busy this time but you don't have to change plans if super inconvenient.

Byebyefriend · 09/02/2019 15:18

What do the children want? Can you carry on your plans if the children go to their dad's?

If your children would prefer to see their dad than other reliatives then I'd let them. Make sure they know that you'll back them 100% and NEVER tell their dad that they chose not to see him.

Visiting is not about the parents, you and ex chose to split it's got nothing to do with the dc.

Not divorced but was the pawn between divorced parents. I wanted to see my dad but sometimes I wanted not to miss out on other things. It was a ridged this is dads weekend no changes allowed.

IvanaPee · 09/02/2019 15:19

As I said in my previous email, we have plans that can’t be changed, unfortunately. Would you like me to cover your contact day for you? :)

Yabbers · 09/02/2019 15:20

3 weeks notice is plenty OP.

It really isn’t. We have to have our holiday care worked out loads in advance. I can’t just turn round to my mum and tell her DD is coming to stay for a week next week. Or if we are booking a holiday away, it’s done long before 3 weeks. We’ll have Easter holiday care sorted out in the next couple of weeks. Summer holidays (July) will be done by Early May.

And I’m not even a very organised person!

DameIfYouDo · 09/02/2019 15:29

I'd reply with 'You were supposed to have them for 5 days from xdate to xdate and have informed me you cannot take them. I have arrangements made as previously advised for xdate as per our agreement, as that is a date they are due to be with me. I suggest you alter your arrangements to facilitate the agreed dates, rather than expecting me to rearrange plans made for my scheduled time'.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 09/02/2019 15:29

He's not unreasonable to ask for a change of plans with 3 weeks notice he is very unreasonable to expect it. As it is you have plans that aren't changeable so it's unlucky for him and might have been avoided if he discussed it earlier.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 09/02/2019 15:30

@DameIfYouDo I think that response is perfect.
Take the high road and you'll come across so much better. His hysterics will only contrast even more starkly with your class and calm.

MustShowDH · 09/02/2019 15:32

As I said in my previous email, we have plans that can’t be changed, unfortunately. Would you like me to cover your contact day for you?

This

Followed by 'I know its sometimes hard for you to get time off to cover your agreed times, shall we sort out the rest of the years school holidays now to give you time to put plans in place?'