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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

STBXH - am I missing something?

43 replies

TooTragicToBeFunny · 09/02/2019 14:32

3 weeks before Feb half term, and with no prior discussions about the holiday arrangements, STBXH emails me and details why he can’t have the DCs his usual day that week and how he can only have them one day in particular and so that’s what he would like. 🙄

I tell him it’s too late, DCs have plans as far away close relatives visiting. I tell him he needs to forward plan, not just tell me 3 weeks before hand the one single day he can have them and expect that to be OK.

He then emails me whist copying in his mother, father and NEW GIRLFRIEND telling me he can’t believe I’ve “done this to me” etc etc and how we need to be more co-operative in future.

As background, we split 7 months ago, all left the family home 3 months ago. It was ‘agreed’ in early mediation months ago that school holidays would be 50:50 while term time he has them EOW and one night a week. In reality this hasn’t happened as I work around school hours and he has a full time job with min holidays.

Have I lost the plot or is he the one being ridiculously demanding??

OP posts:

redastherose · 09/02/2019 15:35

YANBU. 3 weeks is plenty of time but he should have asked if it was possible to change not demanded you agree to a date then complain to mummy and daddy that you won't play ball. He's being fairly pathetic and quite frankly his new girlfriend should be wondering who she's got involved with! This sort of dicking around is not acceptable, it shows the kids that they aren't being prioritised.

Tavannach · 09/02/2019 15:36

I can see why he's an ex.
Reply, attaching the earlier emails. Say you want all people in the conversation to have all of it. Say you're sorry but on that particular day you have already made other arrangements as it's half term and you weren't to know he would ask for access that day. Add that in future you expect all arrangements about your DC to made in confidence or via solicitors.
And speak to your solicitor.

goldengummybear · 09/02/2019 16:16

He is not unreasonable to ask but it's not OP's fault that he's asked for a day that isn't his and has given all his days to OP. OP could be away overnight with the kids, paid for childcare, organized meeting up with someone who's only available at half term...

shallichangemyname · 09/02/2019 16:23

The issue is that 3 weeks notice would normally be reasonable but here we have an unusual scenario because of visitors, whose visit you planned around his day.
So he's not at fault for asking and you aren't at fault for saying no.
But a "no, you've only given me 3 weeks notice" is v different from "I'm really sorry, we've got x visiting at half term and I had no idea you'd want to change your day so I've already made plans that I can't change. I would normally say yes, but I'm afraid in this instance it's a no"
Two very different ways of giving the same answer.

shallichangemyname · 09/02/2019 16:24

And OP, tempting as it is, I agree with you that you shouldn't stoop to his level copying new additional people in to your reply.

Original poster

TooTragicToBeFunny · 09/02/2019 17:13

shallichangemyname your ‘nicer’ response was what I first said when he called and asked. I said I’d double check plans etc. Then I said it couldn’t be changed and offered him another day. Then I got the first email about he couldn’t do anything other than the single day he wants and how it wasn’t fair he I was prioritising my family over his etc. That’s when I said “you don’t get to call me 3 weeks before a holiday, demand one single day and expect it to be OK”

OP posts:

Original poster

TooTragicToBeFunny · 09/02/2019 17:14

TBH this is just the latest in a long string of fuckery from him.

Today he has the DCs and my DD has a urine infection. Today she told me she’s still incontinent. STBXH didn’t know and is point blank refusing to discuss with me whether or he’s going to give her her prescribed antibiotics or whether he has taken her temperature or where she is going to sleep tonight.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 09/02/2019 17:28

I would just say school holiday dates need to be agreed at the start of each school year...

Give him first pick (within reason) then you are free to make plans, book holidays, visit family and friends. 3 weeks beforehand is too short notice.

IvanaPee · 09/02/2019 17:43

TooTragic, do you think he feels like you’re policing his time with the dc? I’m not saying you are! But checking her antibiotic intake and sleep etc - does it come across like you don’t think he can parent without your input?

Charliebong · 09/02/2019 17:50

Since Christmas my ex as decided that he can no longer give me a months worth of contact dates in advance (so he would give me all December's tea/sleepover dates mid November...there were never that many!). Once in January and once last week he texted me on a Saturday morning saying he'll have DD "today or tomorrow".

First time she was at a friend's sleepover sat-sun so couldn't see her. Second time she was having her hair done then I was taking her to cinema...so he couldn't see her. I told him last minute arrangements would not work.

...a few days later I receive a solicitors letter listing all my faults and informing me that court action could be taken if I persist in blocking contact!...you can't reason with the unreasonable.

Original poster

TooTragicToBeFunny · 09/02/2019 17:52

I’m sure he does and I’m sure that’s the problem. And no I don’t think he can parent her properly. She has a urine infection that I got her antibiotics for but she reacted to them before so I agreed with GP I would ask him to try and flush infection out for 24 hrs then see how she is. He didn’t know at lunch time she’s still dribbling wee (DD told me) and is refusing to discuss with me what should be the next course of action.

As regards the sleep - I mean at which house. They sleep at his girlfriends sometimes but I’m not allowed to know where that is.

So to recap my DC has a urine infection which is likely not being monitored effectively, I don’t know if she’s being given her prescribed antibiotics or where she will be sleeping tonight.

OP posts:

Original poster

TooTragicToBeFunny · 09/02/2019 17:54

Charliebong a solicitors letter means nothing! I’d like to see your ex pay for court action ordering you to make last minute adjustments to suit him!! He’ll get laughed at!!

OP posts:

Charliebong · 09/02/2019 17:57

I don't know what he's thinking...it's obviously cost him to get the letter sent...thank you for your support tootragic, it's not nice having these unnecessary issues is it?

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 09/02/2019 17:58

Suggest he sorts childcare if he can't have them - the gf perhaps??!!!

IvanaPee · 09/02/2019 18:05

Why doesn’t your dd speak to her dad about it? The poor thing

It must be so frustrating for you to know she’s ill and not have him just communicate decently with you.

Original poster

TooTragicToBeFunny · 09/02/2019 18:08

I think because it’s a personal “girl” issue and she’s embarrassed. She’s not that close to him

OP posts:

shallichangemyname · 09/02/2019 18:25

Set up a paper trail. All email. So if it comes to it you can show you were reasonable and he was an arse. Family lawyer here btw.

Livelovebehappy · 09/02/2019 21:43

The majority of exh’s unfortunately behave in this self entitled way. And no, 3 weeks isn’t adequate notice when discussing a school holiday date. If you work, booking days off in school holidays have to be done months in advance because they book up quickly. As he sounds like he’s frothing at the mouth with you for not falling into line with his demands, I would sweetly and patronisingly tell him you can’t accommodate his request on this occasion, and you are so sorry he is so traumatised by your lack of co-operation that it appears he has taken to copying in everyone and his dog with your conversation. Then stick a smiley face on the end of it. I always find that responding in a ‘smiley’ way to these situations is very self satisfying and will send him ballistic.

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