To want a baby?

[countrybutter]

I am 39 this year, and am single

I feel as if I would always regret it if I didn’t have a baby but it’s still a huge decision.

I pretty much raised my son alone. My now ex was an arse who did things like threaten to live if I asked him to look after the baby for a bit. So technically no I wasn’t single but physically I was if you know what I mean. It’s hard. Tiring. But that does not last forever and my son is an absolute joy. We go on adventures together and I wouldn’t change a thing. So if you want to do it do it. I wish you all the best and a joyful future

Um threaten to leave obviously lol.

If that’s what you really want in life then do it!
I think you’re more likely to go “oh I wish I’d had a child” on your deathbed than “oh I wish I’d had a bit more money”

It isn’t from me surfer

To be honest, a lot of you wouldn’t be approved to adopt your own children. You need experience with children, you need evidence you can finance a year off work, you need a suitable home so no siblings sharing rooms or similar, you need to prove you have support, you need all sorts! I tick some of those boxes but not all.

In actual fact you know what it got much easier when I kicked the ex out and all of a sudden I only had to think about my son and I. Most of the stress came from the ex being so difficult. He Left me to walk the dog with a broken leg and stuff like that. So doing it single in some respects is far easier than doing it with someone who doesn’t pull their weight

Lord I hate the “I can’t have a baby” “I want a baby”...why not adopt answer....you adopt if you want to adopt it’s not quite the same.

Anyway OP I’m interested to know why you
aren’t meeting anyone? I’m not saying it’s easy to
meet a man and settle down but raising a baby is bloody hard work even with a partner and I couldn’t imagine opting to do it alone.

Do you have much family support around you?

Only have you tried to meet a decent man in your late thirties who hasn’t got more baggage than Manchester airport?

No oyster which is the main reason I wouldn’t get through an adoption panel.

The childcare costs are not just for 2 years, more like 5 years+. Even when (free hours) nursery at age 3-4 kicks in, childcare around it can be almost as expensive. Same with school because depending on your time leaving home you might need wrap around care which can still be shockingly high.

I don’t know you or your situation. You might be a great candidate for being a parent or a terrible one but that never stopped anyone really. The outcome for any child is the level of privilege they have which sets the pace of life for them. And by privilege I mean a loving home, good, healthy supportive relationships, access to things that cost money, a good local community etc. You don’t need all of those but they do all impact how easy life is for your child as it grows and well into adulthood. An excellent parent can override some of those things but I can promise you it’s a LOT harder to be an excellent parent than you imagine when you get there.

I hope the 'adopt brigade' have all adopted themselves.

Fair
Point! I appreciate defo not easy but no one
Meets anyone at home, are you trying? Are you
Too picky?

Auntie I know but the point is not that a three year old suddenly doesn’t need care but that the costs are reduced a bit and then reduced again a bit when they start school and finally eventually are reduced to almost nil (but by then they want iPhones and jack wills) obviously it’s always going to be expensive, but for the first two years I would be paying over £1000 in childcare fees. That is as expensive as it will get.

OP with respect you don't seem to actually know much about adoption panels. If adoption isn't for you that's fine, but making statements as you have, such as you have to have experience with children, might put off other people who would be willing to.

Countrybutter, yeah it should go down a bit but don’t expect it to even half.

I know plenty about them jasper but I’m obviously not going to explain in detail what do you will just have to take my word for it. Anyway it is not a thread arguing about adoption it is considering being a parent alone.

Really, so an hour before and after school will come to around £700 a month?

Jaspar - this thread isn't about adoption, it's about OP's choices, which to outsiders include adoption. She can't do that for various reasons, which she has named and she is more than entitled to discuss them!

Anyone who was considering adoption and decided against it based on this thread would be very, very stupid.

HTH

School ends at 2 or 3 o’clock. Many parents need childcare till 6pm. And if you need to leave for work anytime before 8 you can’t use the breakfast club here so need a childminder which is more expensive plus they charge for drop offs. And often they won’t just do mornings so to get them you need to have them do your after school care too. Which can end up not being pro rata on time as you’d think. But no, probably not £700 for 1 kid.

Yes, many do, however I finish at 3 myself so can collect my child at 4.

I am honestly so sorry if I sound horrible here and I don’t mind (at all) people raising things nicely but the bossy, hectoring tone of some posts is too much. I am not stupid. I am highly educated and I earn nearly £50,000 a year. I do of course realise that a child needs care and that it needs to be paid for. Obviously, this needs to be taken into consideration. But these costs reduce as the child gets older - not stop altogether, but they do reduce. If you have been lucky and met a nice man and this has meant you didn’t have to go through this heartache then good for you; I don’t have that luxury

I would! You can manage the costs with a salary like that and some flexibility from work.

So as nobody seems to be - I’ll answer your question! No I don’t think you’re unreasonable wanting a baby! The only thing I’d take into consideration is that it can be bloody difficult as a parent and I’d make sure if I were going it alone that I had people around me to share the experience with - friend/parents/brother/sister - whoever it might be. I’d also consider whether having just one child might be very difficult for the child (esp if you don’t really have other people around you) once you’ve reached old age.

If it was a choice between alone or not at all I'd choose alone.

Before having kids though I didn't fully appreciate how tough it would be and how much it would help having the support of a partner and family. Just simple every day things like your partner entertaining the kids so you can cook or clean and you doing the same for him. Taking it in turns to be off with them when they are sick fucking constantly when they start nursery and mother in law taking a turn too. My boss would despise me if I'd had to do it all. My older child has a heart condition and has had heart surgery and many, many hospital appointments. You can't guarantee one with good health which adds additional pressures. I have no doubt you've considered all this but it's hard to appreciate how tough it is until you're in the middle of it.

Just go for it. You’ve got a good wage, sound sensible and you’ll regret it more if you don’t.

NC for this post so you'll recognise me!

I think I know you (PF?) and (if I'm right) I know you have been struggling with this decision for nearly 10 years, except we're probably getting to the now or never stage? If you are who I think you are, then I've always thought you should go for it. I don't think you will be happy unless you put your heart and soul over the next few years into attempting to have a child. I think you have an incredible amount t of love, time and patience to give and are financially secure enough to ensure you can do this. Whether you are who I think you are or not, I wish all the luck and love in the world...and this is kindly meant, stop agonising and make some appointments - do it!

When I had my 2 kids by donor 13 years ago, the rules were quite strict. I had to prove family support, male influences, financial stability, emotional stability, physical health -and I had to write a report which was submitted to an ethics committee. Things may have become easier since then, as donor conception is more mainstream when it used to be, but it’s worth looking into whether you would tick those boxes too